Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Take Me Home Tonight

Lots of kissing to be had in this episode

This is the week we have been waiting for - Hometown Dates. The show starts out with Emily doing a perfectly scripted rundown of the remaining 4 guys weighing their pros and cons. I have a feeling she does this every night before she goes to sleep - after saying her prayers of course". After some QT with Ricki, Emily is off again, because she is a loving mother who is on the hunt for a father. 
First visit is with Littlefoot's Polish family in Chicago. The duo tours around the Windy City, and Littlefoot is a total goober the whole time. 

This is so romantic

Emily is so impressed with the "cool" places Littlefoot, being a local, can take her - I guess her cool is a wood paneled Polish pub with fake ivy plants on the walls. 
I'd feel the same way, Em. 
After dining on a bunch of kielbasa, Littlefoot brings Emily to his house to meet his mom, dad and two sisters. His family seems very close and sweet. They sit down to a long table all seated on the same-side-of-the-booth. I am hoping this is for camera access, and not some Polish tradition. 

I'm so glad we can all sit on the same side of the table. It makes this awkward conversation even more comfortable. 

While Emily is being grilled by Littlefoot's dad, he is telling his mom that she is the one and his mom tells him to "kick ass" and fight for his woman. It is very inspirational. When alone again, Chris tells Emily that he isn't just falling in love with her like he said before, but he is in love with her. Blah, blah, blah... 
Emily travels to St. George, UT to meet with Jef with one F's family at his ranch, The Holmsted Ranch - get it, Jef Holms, HOLMSted. Jef describes the ranch as "like a few hundred acres". The like is said as a valley girl, who needs a a filler word for a moments pause. Jef with one F takes Emily on a wild ride in the Rhino to go shoot skeet. It's like dating a good ole' Georgia country boooy. Who would have thought.
Emily meets Jef with one F's giant Morman family. If having a lot of kids gets you into heaven, this family is first in line at the pearly gates. Emily can't get over the fact that he once dumped a girl because his family didn't like her, and won't shut up about making a good impression. Jef's brother, Steve, interviews Emily about her feelings on love and "the fundementals". I get nervous just watching. I feel like I'm back interviewing for jobs in Atlanta. 
Emily, did you bring your resume and list of references? 
After dazzling his family with how down to earth her lip injected, botoxed face is, the couple goes to a look out point to make out. One F takes a page out of crazy Jerry Maguire's book, and writes Emily a letter about all the things he loves about her. Emily wells up with tears, and says it is the nicest thing she has ever heard. And somewhere in Salt Lake, a girl is throwing her wine at the screen because it is exactly what Jef wrote to her years ago before he dumped her because his family didn't like her. 
Kiss me with your one F
Arie is the next in line, and he has Emily meet him at the race track in Scottsdale, AZ. Emily thinks he looks "stupid hot" in his racing suit. They go for a spin around the track, and Emily is dazzled. 
What an adrenaline rush! Kiss me, Arie!
Arie preps Emily to meet his family. Basically he says they are crazy Euros and probably won't like Emily. 
My family will probably think your accent is embarrassing and trashy
When they get there, Arie's mom starts talking to him in Dutch. And I feel like I am at the nail salon having two technicians make fun of my feet in Vietnamese. 
Emily sits politely by until Arie's gives a made up translation about what they were talking about. Arie's mom pulls Emily aside to ask her what she didn't learn in US Weekly about what went wrong with Emily's TV relationship with Brad. Emily gives a vague answer about "fundamentals". I am sensing a theme. 
The night ends up going great and the couple makes out before Emily departs for her next date. 
Sean is the last man to have his hometown date with Emily. He takes her to Dallas, TX to meet his family. He wins major points in my book, because he has a boxer (obviously, not as handsome as Ryman, but really, who is?) 
They arrive at his house, and his niece is beyond excited to see him which is precious. His family seems adorable, and Emily has a hard time with how perfect he is.  Golly Gee. 
We learn that the Sweet Sean house is super into pranks. Sean decides to play a funny little joke on Emily, and tell her that he still lives at home with his parents. Emily grits her teeth and pretends to be okay with it, but in her interview is mortified that this could be happening. They walk into his messy "room" and he says, "I wish my mom would have picked up a little bit"  and introduces his stuffed animals. Funny, funny, Sean. You must have learned from your dad and his ole Texas armadillo for dinner prank. 
It could be a lifetime of that crap, Em. 
After dinner, it is time for Emily to go. Sean gives her a kiss goodbye, but suddenly realizes an entire episode has gone by without his shouting into the streets. Gasp! So he runs through the streets of his subdivision following Emily's suburban calling her name. He opens her door and gives her one last kiss. Emily swoons, and I gag. 
Back at the rose ceremony, Emily has a really hard time choosing this round. She pouts with her duck lips and whines to Chris Harrison.
She rightly chooses to send Littlefoot home. Thank god! He is shocked and dismayed. I get a little nervous when he glares at the camera with his murderer eyes. I have a feeling we will be seeing this guy on a 48 Hours: Mystery on ID in the coming future. 
This is not the last you will see of me and my looooong neck!

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