Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Tunesday With George: T. Hardy Morris

T. Hardy Morris -- Audition Tapes
Audition Tapes is the hauntingly beautiful and honest solo debut album from Dead Confederate frontman Hardy Morris. The production is a perfect fit for these unique songs, and Hardy's voice is chilling throughout. Harmony vocals from Thayer Sarrano and Matt Stoessel's pedal steel add just the right touch.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: Des Gets Dumped By Another Guy Being Paid to Like Her

Des' dudes in their pastlives as models

The Bachelorette is traveling to Antigua this week for her fantasy dates with the final 3 guys: Chris, Brooks, & Drew. To recap, the front runners are as follows: One writes limericks he considers to be deep odes about love, another, despite talking like a chipmunk, can't if even decide if he even like Des, and the last is gay. And yet, in this crowd Des sees her husband. The episode teaser shows the clips we've seen of Des crying for 8 weeks. If this is yet another ABC ploy for ratings I will throw tomatoes at my TV.
The show begins with a recap of where Des has been this season. It's basically a montage of her getting dumped by guys who's only job is to drink beer, wear v-necks, and pretend to like her. I'm not sure what this says about America's Bachelorette.
After the dumping brigade come the "falling in love montages". I fast forward through this part, because when it comes to a lot of these moments, seeing it once is more than enough.
First up for the fantasy dates is Drew. He skips like a first grader to meet Des for their date at... a windmill. Drew gets the obligatory "exploring!" date. They cruise around in a Jeep Wrangler. Drew obviously feels right at home; all he is missing is an "Orange Mocha FRAPPUCCINO!"
As their voice overs talk about falling in love, they limbo with some Caribe drinking locals atop a mountain. I have no idea where the producers found the pieces to put this whole scene together.
Drew says he has found his soulmate, and he would get down on one knee tomorrow. I've seen more believable declarations of love on Degrassi Junior High.
The sun sets, and it is sexy boozy time. Drew and Des enjoy a kiss that takes up way too much television airtime. Drew is obviously overcompensating. It is raining, so they can't have their romantic dinner on the beach. But don't worry, "rain will never ruin my night with Drew", says Des.  
Des decides to get right out with it an give Drew the fantasy suite card at the beginning of their date. Hussy.

They talk about love and marriage and kiss on the couch. Des then leads him to her room, and the camera follows them as they sip champagne on her bed. More aggressive making out with a camera 3 inches from their locked lips. If they get this down and dirty in front of the cameras, it's going to be a wild fantasy night. Drew kicks the camera guys out, so they can talk about nail polish and french braid each other's hair. 
While Drew and Des are making magic, Brooks is confessing that he is not into Des, because she is lame. In his confessional, Brooks says he is nervous about the overnight, because he is a Mormon, doesn't have lurv feelings for Des. To sort out his feelings, Brooks heads home to SLC to see his mommy and sister.
His family tells him that he should be able to not just say it, but feel like he loves someone he is proposing to in one week. These are some brilliant women. I can't believe it took family wisdom to make this clear to him. 
The producers, now high five-ing at Brooks' ratings gold, plan to have Chris meet Des next, so they can drag out the Brooks story-line as long as possible. Chris and Des walk along a rocky beach. Des is wearing pants, a bikini top, and a fringe vest. Another stellar wardrobe pick. A helicopter comes and picks them up where they fly to a Barbuda for a... wait for it... picnic! original idea, ABC.
They talk endlessly about every second of the hometown date. After every detail of their last date has been raked over, they make out in the surf and write their names in the sand, and then it's back to the waves for more making out. 
At dinner they cheers their pina coladas to "falling forward". Des super subtly says "let's talk future". Chris basically tells her that his life in Seattle, and she can join him. He bumbles the words out, and you can tell he would feel much more comfortable if his lines were in rhyming couplets coming from his journal. Chris says a line no man has ever said before: "Des makes me feel vibrant". I would have expected this kind of boyish jubilation from Drew.  Since they have run out of dates to talk about, the couple plays a word game about their time together.  
Des pulls out the date card that says exactly what it said to Drew. Hussy. Chris says he would like to use the overnight card to stay up and watch the stars with no expectations. Des looks disappointed, because she wants to get down two nights in a row. Threw gritted teeth, she says watching the stars is what she wants too. Liar.
 But before they can retreat to their room, Chris  has a "something to share" with Des. Surprise, surprise, it's another poem for her written in his JOURNAL. 

Seriously, where does ABC find these guys? It's going to be a long night. They move from the table to the hot tub where they give each other Eskimo kisses.
It's the next day, and Des' voice over talks about how she likes the other guys but has real feelings for Brooks. At the same time Brooks is preparing to meet with Chris Harrison to tell him that he, like many men before him, realizes Des sucks. 

Chris gets all Dr. Drew on Brooks, and tries to see if Brooks' parents' divorce is the real reason he is hesitant to get married. Brooks shoots this down, and says it really is just Des. She sucks that much. This conversation lags on for a solid 15 minutes. 
Brooks sighs as he sees Des on the beach. I would make that face too if someone I was dating wore a tie dye crop top and white cut offs in 2013. Brooks talks in a whisper as Des holds back tears about being dumped again. She is officially The Least Desirable Bachelorette in Bachelorette History. 

Des cries about how she has never felt completely loved by anyone, and for the first time she was hopeful - hmm... Des, you were hopeful for love from the one guy who wouldn't say it to you? I think you are your worst enemy. Des says "you broke my heart", and Brooks' response is: "I'm glad you're honest with me". Ha!
They leave their beach side perch, and Des walks Brooks out, but not before making him feel even more like an A-hole. Through tears she tells him she hasn't given her heart to anyone else, because she wanted to save it for him. Wow, bet the guy you propose to next week is going to be thrilled to hear that! Did that poem you wrote with Chris mean nothing to you?!
Des and Brooks hug goodbye as a subtle heartbeat sound thumps in the background. Then to really drive home what a jerk he is, Des says "You can go. I'm going to sit by myself." Then she races (pigeon-toed) to the end of a boat dock to cry it out. Cut to Brooks who is hyperventilating trying to pump out the tears. Through gulps he says, "Those times we had together.. I miss them already... I miss them a lot." All 45 minutes they have spent together is racing through Brooks' mind. 
And that's where we leave it. Tune in next week for the dramatic finale. 

Friday, July 26, 2013

Fake T*ts Hot Tub

**First, shameless self-promotion. Please vote for Hip Pops for Best Dessert in the Athens Banner Herald. You can vote everyday, and I don't care how many miles away from Little A you are. VOTE HERE**

Well, my friends, I am so very glad I did not make that promise to be a better blogger, because I sure wasn't this week! The Bachelorette was the "Men Tell All" episode, which I find to be exponentially more mind numbing than the actual show, so I chose not to write about it. Sorry I'm not sorry. At least Mr. Fonty got his Tunesday to me on time... sadly, it took me 55 hours to post it.
Blogger (which I use to post this blog) allows me to see search queries that bring people to my site. Most of the time it's normal things like "Fonty Fest" or "J.Crew Necklace", but I just noticed that someone Googled "fake tits hot tub", and found (I am presuming gender) himself at FontyFest. Not sure exactly which post he was directed too, but I'm pretty sure he was disappointed and didn't stay long. Sorry, bud.
Morning Sun
We're getting out of the humid/torrential downpour that is the Summer of 2013 in the south, and are headed up to Sapphire with a big group of friends - 15 adults, 5 kids, 2 babies, and probably about 8 dogs. With highs in mid-70's, it's going to be heaven!
To keep meals simple, each person is bringing a portion of the dinners. Being the hostess, I put myself in charge of the entrees. When cooking for a big group, I like to pick things that I can either prep or make entirely in advance. Doing this has 3 benefits: 1. The dish looks simple, so guests don't feel like you were put out. 2. The dirty dishes are cleaned up before anyone arrives. 3. You can enjoy a glass of wine - the entire reason you have people over in the first place! 
One night we will be having a lightened up version of my favorite pasta dish, The Pioneer Woman's Pasta ala Betsy. I've shared this dish before. Instead of the heavy cream, I will be using Greek yogurt. This dish can be prepped in advance, so all I have to do is boil the pasta and reheat the shrimp and sauce. For the second night, I consulted my best friend who is the most effortless hostess you've ever met (she gets it from her mom). Glynnie recommended this Flank Steak with Lime Marinade from the domestic diva herself, Martha Stewart. 
Flank Steak with Lime Marinade
Courtesy of Martha Stewart
Flank Steak with Lime Marinade
Serves 4
1/3 cup Lime Juice
2 Tbsp Soy Sauce
2 Scallions, sliced
2 Tbsp Ginger, minced
1/2 tsp Red Pepper Flakes
1.5 lb Flank Steak
Mix lime juice, soy sauce, scallions, ginger, and red pepper flakes in a ziploc bag. Add the flank steak. Let marinade for an hour, flipping occasionally. 
heat grill to high. Remove steak from marinade and season with salt and pepper. 
Place on grill. Cover. Flip once. Cook 6-8 minutes for medium-rare. 

The icing on this trip is that on Monday, I will be receiving a whole shipment of furniture for the guest house. I will be sure to send some before and after pics of the new space.

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Tunesday with George: The Shouting Machines

The Shouting Machines - Grownass Man
The Shouting Machines is a Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) side project, a loose, laid-back affair that teams him up with longtime friends Phil Cook (of Megafaun, and Vernon's pre- Bon Iver band DeYarmond Edison) and Brien Moen (Peter Wolf Crier).
Vernon and co. aren't trying to break any musical boundaries with Grownass Man, just play some groovin', riff-y, soul-laiden bluesy rock and have a good time.

unrelated video:

Friday, July 19, 2013

Hello, God. It's Me FontyFest

Indianhead Motel, Wisconsin
I have been a terrible, terrible blogger lately. It's been a rough couple weeks, and making fun of the Desi-pie and the boyZ is about all I have in me. 
I have, however, been doing quite a bit of online shopping. Here are some of my latest finds:
Personalized Kids Converse Chuck Taylor
I know, really. Stop it with the monogrammed cuteness! I have feet fit for a midget, so I was able to snatch up a pair in a size 3. But if you are a normal human, you can purchase these for a tiny human in your life at Open Sky for $80. 
I've been living in maxi dresses from Gap. I bought 5 in varying prints and colors. They are the perfect thing to wear in the day then throw on a statement necklace to dress up for the evening, all the while hiding the fact that my legs have not seen the sun in weeks. 
I just received this blazer in the mail last week, but I have already worn it 3 times. It is super light - some completely unnatural polyester/rayon blend, I am sure - but the lightness makes it summer appropriate. It's obviously a Zara product seeing that threads are already loose and the aforementioned material, but what it lacks in quality, it makes up in a bold statement and cheap price at $59.99. Zara sizes tend to be on the smaller side, so size up. 
Louise Dress Mod Flower
I am a huge Annie Griffin fan, and not just because she is Mr. Fonty's cousin. I would say at least 1/2 of the clothes I wear (and get compliments on!) regularly are Annie's. This dress happens to be my latest personal favorite. (I am actually wearing it as I type). I wish there was a picture of the back, because it is a racerback with an exposed zipper. To die for adorable. Some others I am rocking these days: Leigh Blouse with Tuilp Back, Stripe Blouse with Preppy Nautical Flair, Carol Blouse eyelet blouse with a square neck, Kate Lace Blouse, and the Mimi Seashell Tunic was made for a beach vacation. 

I hope you all have a great weekend. I can't promise I will be a better blogger next week, but I'm raising a glass of wine to hoping!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Tunesday with George: Roadkill Ghost Choir

Roadkill Ghost Choir -- Quiet Light
The debut EP from this young Deland, FL based group is not to be missed!

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: Singing, Dancing, and Drawing to Love

Ladies and Kelley Steedman, it's the episode Bachelorette trailers tease us with, Hometown dates. Des is traveling all over the US to meet the families of her 4 potential suitors. One man and subsequently his entire family will get the boot. 
The show opens in Dallas where Zak is walking towards the camera like a Neanderthal in a wrinkled blazer. He talks about loving Des and doodles in his sketchbook.

Des enters, walking pigeon toed wearing a striped crop top and cropped leather jacket with ugly boots is the picture of a Today show "before" on a segment titled: "How not to wear strpies/cropped shirts/boots/dress yourself". 

This girl needs to learn a little something about proportions. I thought Emily's cutoffs and Frye boots was bad, but I will take that over sausage casing any day. 
Zak launches into a story about his dream the night before -- AKA "The worst topic ever". Does anyone like hearing someone else's dream? Even if I am the star of said dream, I lose interested after "It was our house, but not really our house..."
After ranting about his dream, he races off and comes back with an Sno-Cone truck. I didn't even know such a thing existed, but apparently this is the family biz. Personally, my mom never let me eat frozen treats from a truck, because she said they were obviously laced with drugs. I wonder what this says about the fact that I now run a popsicle business... Freud? But I digress, Des and Zak drive around and give out sno-cones to a group of kids. They both say what a great mother/father the other would be.
After the after school special, Des goes to Zak's house to meet his mom, dad, brother, and sister. They ask how Zak introduced himself, and Zak explains the abs gag. His family is visibly horrified and his sister calls him "a weird-o". Suddenly I like this family a lot more. 
As the cocktail hour rolls on, each family member pulls Des aside to learn her intentions and give their campaign speech for Zak. She talks with his sister about how their relationship started as a friendship. It went a little something like this: Meeting 1: Guy shows up without a shirt, but she has to keep him, becuase that is better than suit of armour guy. Meeting 2-5: They meet while hanging out with a minimum of 10 other dudes. Meeting 6: They go on fantasy date where he strips down to his underwear. Meeting 7: He is on a date with another dude and doesn't even come out on top with a 50/50 chance and a sketch book of memories. I'd say only spending 1 day alone together is what one would call a friendship, Des. 
The night goes from bearable to cringe-worthy when Zak begins to strum his guitar. He has written another original song for Des, but this time, he has enlisted the help of The Partridge family. 

His brother and sister are on terribly off-key vocals while Des looks on in horror with tears in her eyes. 

If it were me, I would have tears of pain and beg the camera mand to get me out of there. As Des escapes my private hell leaves for the night, Zak gives her a promise ring he has been carrying since Atlantic City - all 5 weeks! She cries again and he says "I love you" repeatedly to make himself believe it. 
Next up is Drew's family in Scottsdale, AZ. Des awkwardly runs towards him in a strip mall. At first I thought, really a strip mall is the best backdrop you could find for their meeting? And then I remembered they are in Scottsdale. That is the only backdrop. 
Drew aggresively man handles Des' face. They sit looking googly eyed at each other. 

It's the moment of truth where Des will accompany Drew to pick up his severely mentally handicapped sister, Melissa (sweet name girl). Des says "ooooohhh... I'm like really excited". It's almost believable. Melissa walks out overcome with emotion. She starts flipping Des' hair, and you can see Des visibly shudder, but pretend to be cool with it. 
They get to his house, and everyone ignores Melissa - way to treat your "angel" - as she toddles in. Guess TV cameras tromp disability. 

Drew's adorable niece runs straight to the door, nearly slide tackling Melissa, to get to to Drew. 
The family sits around for a meet and greet where they discuss when "Drew knew". I think if this conversation ever happened among any first meeting of a family, I would literally die. Then Drew is pulled away by his mom. Buying into this whole charade, she gives Drew her blessing to pursue Des. Meanwhile Drew's dad asks Des if she believes in angels. This somehow is in reference to Melissa (who they have locked in the kitchen since she arrived) and links back up to getting married. I am not sure how he did this. He really is a master manipulator. I wonder if Drew pulled his dad aside at any point and let him know he sai don national television that his dad has cancer and didn't want anyone to know...
Drew walks Des out and tells her he loves her repeatedly in a grotesque episode of love vomit. He eats her face one last time, and she is off as his voice over closes out the scene saying the next time he sees his family he will be an engaged man. Bold statement for such a wimpy man. 
After Scottsdale, Des shoots up the coast to Oregon to meet Chris' family. They walk (pigeon-toed) around the baseball field where Chris used to play. He sets up some batting practice for Des. She tries to make a joke about there being "a lot of balls". Chris is way too mature to pick up what she is putting down. They paste on those lame eye black strips. 

As a surprise, Chris pulls out some chalk, so they can write some Tebow bible verses on their face. Always ready for the obvious love pun, Des doesn't miss the opportunity to use the line "you're a catch" while on the field. A red blanket is laid on the pitcher's mound where the couple have a quiet romantic moment. Des - totally copying Zak! - whips out her sketch book of their moments. They are literally drawings I would have done in the 5th grade as part of my California Gold Rush segment. 

He says this is only something they have. which we all know if false, since Des used the pages from Zak's sketchbook.
They arrive at Chris' house and Des tells the family she tweaked her back on one of their dates. Oh really? Well how fitting, Chris's dad is a chiropractor! When Des is finished with her adjustment, it's Chris' turn in his dad's office. His dad gives him a nose adjustment - something that I A) did not know existed and B) would have to be paid $10,000 to get on television. We get a shot straight up Chris' boogie filled nose. It is one of the top ten most uncomfortable hometown date moments. My body physically cringed. 
Chris's mom talks in a very breathy voice and stretches ever word out like it is a chore. Her sit down with Des is painful to watch. She says that his old girlfriend really broke his heart, while inside his entire family tells him everyone hated his old girlfriend - including his grandmother. Burn! 
Chris joins his mom for a sit down. At this point I get really bored by Chris's family, and I fast forward. I return back to the Chris Family at dinner where his mom is crying at the table about their love. blah, blah. blah. Chris and Des make out after dinner at his car. It is fully sunny out, so maybe this was a wine-laden event was less dinner, and more lunch. 
Last stop on the Tour de Bachelor, Salt Lake City, Utah to hang with the wimpy Blake Sheltons. At first I thought, just because Brooks is from SLC, does not make him a Mormon. But then he, rather unconvincingly, says he is excited for Des to meet his 32 brothers and sisters. The stereotype is confirmed. Since Brooks seems less than into this relationship and because Des is a girl, this means that he is her front runner. She goes to great lengths to get his attention and passes him a note in the shape of a rose. The note list their best moments or some such nonsense. The line "Cloud Nine" is obviously listed. This couple makes me gag, and it isn't just because Brooks says "like" as much as a 14 year old teen mom on MTV. 

Brooks takes Des on a canoe ride in a public park. Pretty sure the "lake" is man made and 7 feet wide. He says this feels like they are really together and "just spending a Sunday afternoon". Hey, Brooks, if you were really together, you wouldn't be canoeing in a moat on a Sunday. You'd be watching football and Des would be doodling wedding dresses in her journal. 
Brooks brings Des into his decidedly Mormon family. Suddenly, we see where Brooks gets that high pitched voice. The entire family could voice small rodents in a Pixar movie. 
Brooks' mom notices "the tender love look" between the two of them. As the evening progresses, Brooks and Des both receive cliche love advice from various family members. 

Then Brooks sits down with his mom, and she says the Des asked if Brooks was ready to get married. Brooks responds with "I feel closer to that than I ever have." Evasive, politician answer Brooks. You are earning your place as America's next Bachelor. The evening at the Tabernacle ends without Brooks saying "I love you".  
Des brings in her brother who sabotaged her relationship with Sean last season. She says she hasn't seen her brother since last season. Wait, wait just one second... is this the girl who talks endlessly about family? But she hasn't seen her brother in a year? What a family bond you have with your only sibling, Des. 
They sit on a couch and he looks at her with disdain that definitely runs deeper than the scripted Bachelorette conversation.  
After they have a talk, he says he is here for her and wants her to find someone if it's meant to be. This scene was very built up by ABC with clips in the trailer twisting this interaction to his sabotaging Des. As usual, this was all a ratings ploy. 
Des meets Chris at The Beverly Hilton for the rose ceremony. Because he is wonderful, Chris points out that Brooks still hasn't said "I love you" while all the other men, Des included, have said the L word. She says she can feel the love, she doesn't need to hear it. I call bull sh*t. She's just being a girl and wants the guy that doesn't want her.   
Chris meets each of the guys and talks to them about how much they love Des. Each tells Chris there is no way they are the guy who will be sent packing.  
As we cut to commercial, the guys are lined up and Des says in a voice over "there's nothing holding me back from meeting my husband", and we see her brother lurking in the doorway. dum dum duuuuuuum

When we come back from commercial, we see no sign of her brother for the rest of the episode. This is getting ridiculous, ABC!

Roses are given out. The final rose comes down to: Zak and Drew. It goes to Drew. I am not surprised That one member of the Partridge family was sent home. Looks like a promise ring and an original song sung in harmony by your entire family isn't the ticket to love. Shocker. Des forces out tears as she walks him out. 

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Tunesday with George: Hurray For The Riff Raff

Hurray For The Riff Raff -- My Deepest Darkest Neighbor
Alynda Lee Segara's New Orleans based outfit Hurray For The Riff Raff is truly on the rise. They have been touring hard and wowing audiences for a few years now, and their 2012 release Look Out Mama gained them a lot more attention.
There will be a new studio album from them probably in 2014, but everyone satisfied until then they have released My Deepest Darkest Neighbor, which is an cover album of songs that inspired Alynda...including songs by Hank Williams, Townes Van Zandt, George Harrison, Lucinda Williams and more.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: On Cloud Nine

I've sort of had it with the guy who puts together the trailers for The Bachelorette. Please don't get my hopes up that I am going to see Desiree weeping on the side of a cliff after having been left by yet another guy. If your show is so boring that you have to twist scenes and take conversations out of context, then maybe you shouldn't be airing it. I came in expecting a lot of tears, but all I got was another episode of Des and the boys. 
The fog rolls, the waves crash... America's bachelorette screams off the edge of a boat. Must mean ABC has taken us to Madiera Island, Portugal. Last date before the hometown dates. 
This week we must endure 3 one-on -ones and a 2-on-1. However, the stakes have been lowered. No one will be sent home rose-less on any of the dates. 
To add some interest to the show, Des has invited "her friends" from last seasons to give her advice - Katherine, Lesley and Jackie. Glad to see Des was only friends with the normal girls in the house - well as normal as you can be to go on a dating show that has failed 20 out of 24 times. 
The girls sit on a balcony and watch the guys play in the pool. Katherine breaks out the binoculars to check out the fresh meat. 
As if this wasn't like high school enough already, Des begins to give out superlative awards to the guys. They went as follows:
Best Kisser: Drew (as if we didn't know she was into those dark alley assaults)
Most Athletic: Chris
Most Successful: Michael
Best Body: Drew (Zak is going to be so pissed!)
Best Eyes: Drew
Most Adventurous: Zak
Then Katherine asks something that was bleeped out - she is the "vegan who likes the beef" after all), whatever it was, the award goes to Chris.
Drew cleaned up in the sleepover pillow talk. 
Brooks is up for first one on one. Des shows up in her ugliest outfit to date, made worse by her terrible flesh tone orthotic wedges. 
Brooks is feeling more "pensive" after seeing Des create relationships with other guys. 
The couple cruises along the Madiera coastline in a Smart car. They drive to a cliff top above the clouds for a picnic on a tartan blanket where they talk about moving in with each other. 
Desiree continues her cliche onslaught with the pearl: "We didn't just break through the clouds. I feel like Brooks and I had a breakthrough in our relationship." 
But not to be out done, Brooks one ups her with: "It feels good to be lost in cloud nine with you"
The couple stands on the edge of the cliff and shouts out to no one "We're on Cloud Nine!". I'm sensing a trend. 
At the house, the date card arrives for Chris. He sniffs the letter in excitement. 
Des and Brooks settle into the second half of their date. She is wearing an unflatteringly short skirt more suited for Emily the Bachelorette. 
She says she is falling in love with Brooks. Yep, falling in love with a guy wearing a black t-shirt, under a chambray button down, under a diarrhea and navy striped cardigan sweater. As if this outfit wasn't dorky enough, he repeats his Cloud Nine comment again saying on top of the mountain, they were "by definition on Cloud Nine". 
Brooks begins to babble about Des meeting his family. You can tell by the rambling that he is having reservations about bringing her home. The awkwardness is compounded by how they each say "family" 3 times in every sentence. 
They then do some SAT prep work: "Like is to Love" as "Skipping is to Running". Des tells Brooks that she is running into love --- but wait for it... Brooks is "BEHIND in his emotional process". First time in Bachelorette history, someone has said "I love you" to a one of the masses, and not gotten it back!
Brooks uses the cloud nine comment again as they leave dinner for a firework show. Des reenacts the fireworks in her confessional saying that she "feels fireworks" when kissing Brooks. Too bad Brooks doesn't feel the same way, Desi.  
Time for the next date. The guys watch Chris and Des patter off to a yacht. They whine about Chris and Des holding her hands, and Michael with his anger issues, takes it to the next level saying "I'll break his knees". On the boat, Chris and Des repeat "We're boating... We're BOATING" and "So cool" for the next 5 minutes. Riveting television.  
Des says she wants to spend this day seeing what their future life would be like. I don't think that a season of the Bachelor makes you successful enough to be spending a random Tuesday on a yacht off the coast of Portugal. Des, let's rememeber your roots. You grew up in a teepee. How quickly jetting off to European islands can make her forget. 
The date card is delivered to the guys' house. It goes to Michael. Yikes, a whole day with Michael. Sucks for Des. Tension builds between Drew and Zak who will be competing on the 2-on-1. 
The yacht arrives at a remote island, and they set out to a picturesque flower meadow for a standard issue Bachelorette picnic. Des chose to compliment her BP dress with  white Keds. Will someone get this girl a stylist? 
Chris brought a surprise for Des. Yes, a surprise of the poem variety. But this time, they are going to write a poem together, put it in a bottle, and then throw it into the Atlantic - where it should be for no one to ever find and read again. Their creative process was so cringe-worthy that I nearly lost my dinner listening to them rhyme. 
Des, wearing a near replica of the unflattering outfit from the night before, and Chris arrive at a winery for dinner. Chris is literally panting in fear of telling Des he loves her. He then decides that their joint poem wasn't good enough, so he wrote Des a poem to say "I love you". This poem, titled "Individually Defined", obviously references their 5 minutes on the roof of the hotel again. It must be hard to creatively rhyme "roof" 14 different times. 
After dinner, romantic acoustic guitar picking plays as they walk through a garden and stop every few feet to make out. 
Now it's time for Michael's date. Des seems about as excited as I am to watch Michael on screen for 15 minutes. Michael got the "exploring" date this week. In a voice over, Michael says: "If you were on a scavenger hunt to find the perfect woman, and there were 47 criteria to find that perfect woman... Desiree has 48." Something tells me that Michael is the kind of guy who actually has a list of his 47 bullet points for said perfect woman. 
They walk around town, and Michael talks robotically off his script about love and feelings - of which he has none, because  he is the male Vicky from Small Wonder. To add some excitement to the date, they ride a wicker sofa down the winding alleys of Madiera. 
Inspired by the sofa on wheels, Michael rattles of love cliches like, "Love is a wild ride" and "Love is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes you are out of control". Somewhere Chris is laughing at this simile amateur. 
ABC has set up a full dinner spread complete with bistro lights in an alley, and Michael, says "awww.. that's nice" with about as much enthusiasm as you would have for someone's gaggle of stray cats. 
Dinner conversation flows to natural topics like diabetes, absent fathers, and tombstones. The happy stuff you talk about when getting to know someone. Michael is toast. 
The 2-on-1 date begins with The Bachelorette's favorite activity - a competition. This week's competition pits the men against each other in go-karts. Des is at the finish line with the checkered flag - the least attractive flag girl of all time. Zak kicks Drew's butt. Drew is pissed, because like many men before him, he wants to use this date to tell her he loves her. 
Zak's prize for driving a tiny car the fastest was to get one on one time with Des first. They walk to a scenic lookout where Zak pulls out a sketch book. He has put together a picture book of all 7 of their memories.
 Zak says he didn't tell Des he loved her out of respect for Drew. Guess he isn't aware that Drew is ready to drop the L-word. All's fair in love and war. 
Drew and Des sit atop a piles of tires while Des fishes for compliments about Drew's family liking her. 
Drew may not have a picture book, but he has an even better ace in the hole - his disabled sister. Drew asks Des if she will go with him to pick his sister up from her special people home when she meets his family. You think I am joking, but this is for reals. 
After their talks, Des has a safe zone rose to give out, and it goes to.... Drew. Zak, devastated, retreats to draw a picture of a heart split in half bleeding down his rock hard abs. 
We come back from commercial, and it is time for the rose ceremony. Des meets Chris Harrison, and she gets teary eyed talking about being in love with Brooks. Chris points out the main issue - that Brooks did not say "I love you" back on a show where people say "I love you" after meeting someone for 20 minutes. Des says this makes her "unsure". Yeah, I'd say it should Des. Not to quote an embarrassing self-help book, but has Cosmo and Sex in the City taught you nothing? "He's just not that into you!"
Cue the dramatic musical score, it's Rose Time. The final rose comes down (predictably) to: Zak & Michael. And even more predictably, Michael is sent home in the limo. He reads off his devastation script with no voice inflection saying he is heartbroken. Michael tells Des no girl will ever match up to her. Do I need to remind him that he went on one, ONE(!) date with this person?!
In the limo, Michael whips out his cell phone to call his mom, and tell her that he got dumped before the home town dates. To which his mom, who talks like Janelle's mom from Teen Mom, says "Here we go again". Ha! So supportive. 

See you all at the hometown dates.