Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Men Gossip

At the beginning of the Bitching Women Men Tell All, Chris Harrison drops the bomb that next week will be a three hour finale. Good god. How in the world can they milk 3 hours out of the proposal?
The camera zooms around the room showing throngs of screaming women. Apparently, you can sign up for tickets to this taping? The women clap with the enthusiasm of a group of middle age fat ladies at male revue night on a Carnival cruise. It's both depressing and incredible.

Chris Harrison opens the show, and I am not sure if he is on a sound stage in Studio City or receiving a message from the city of Gotham. 

Chris and Emily reflect over the season and he gets her opinion on the guys. They then watch a reel of "lost" footage, including a clip of The Egg Guy asking Emily to sing his egg good night on night two. Can someone tell me how she did not get sent home immediately? 

We also see clips of Emily trying unsuccessfully to dance with Littlefoot. It is so awkward. I really wish we had seen more of this kind of thing. It only adds to my hatred for him. 

After the return from commercial, we are treated to a very extended preview of Bachelor Pad. I have never watched Bachelor Pad and apparently this is the 3rd - and obviously most dramatic - installment. I've heard from insiders that Bach Pad is filmed in 2 weeks. Which is pretty amazing considering that one of the no-name contestants said that people are "falling in love" all over the place. Sorry, Lind-ZI, I think in the real world we call that whoring it out. 
And the number one whore on Bachelor pad appears to be Mr. Mature, Littlefoot himself. Somewhere Daddy Doug is watching the night vision footage shaking his head at what a 25 year old LF is. 
For the first time EVER, Bachelor Pad is letting super fans into the house. I find this incredible. Almost as incredible as how trashy the super fan's dress is:
Sorry, did I say that dress was trashy? I meant this chick's Madonna gloves were - and for the record, I believe in this scene, she was saying "If you're looking for a dope chick. She's right here".
In addition to falling in love, there are challenges on Bachelor Pad, one of which seems to include a ribbon dance... I'll let the picture speak for itself. London Olympics has nothing on ABC reality television.
And it wouldn't be a Bachelor episode without some beefcakes. Guess the mansion doesn't have a gym.  
After the preview, we get back to the task at hand, calling out guys for being embarrassing all season long.
The guys all yell at Kalon for committing what seems to be a common trend on the bachelor - "Not Being There For The Right Reasons". To which I have to ask, who is really on this show to find love and not be on tv and live in a mansion where you hang out by the pool and drink beer all day? At least some of these guys admit it. The worst character in bachelor history is (obviously) the main jerk to Kalon, but I can't hear anything he says, because he has a huge nasty stain on his left shoulder. Steve, you're on TV, the least you could do is wear is a clean shirt. (this picture does not do it justice)

next villain up is Ryan. Ryan stares adoringly at his angular facial hair. He can't believe how good his spray tan looks on TV. It will look even better when he competes on his local WRKT Augusta Bachelor Competition. When questioned about what he really meant when he talked all his BS, Ryan basically rehashes what he said line for line as if that is a defense. And then it becomes quite clear, that he doesn't think he looked like a jack ass at all. Dawson Leary accuses Ryan of Kalon-ism, and said he was on the Bachelor for "the glitz and glamour". And here I thought glitz was for women and the gold chains of college baseball players. 
Then we go to Littlefoot who is a total whiny snooze. His murderer eyes watching himself get dumped are the only terrifying interesting thing about his segment.  
Then the carnival cruise audience erupts into a fit of excitement as Sean is called up, and we meet our next Bachelor. ABC barely tries to hide this fact. 
Emily talks about how hard it was to let Sean go, and the camera finds the only ethnic woman in the audience to shake her head and say "Mmmmm. giiirrrrrrllllllll". They needed to do some damage control after Emily got rid of the vaguely black guy in the first episode. 
Sean tells Chris that he is ready to find love, and a woman faints in the aisle, ABC producers high five in the control room. Next season ratings gold. 
 Emily comes out to confront the men and she looks pretty smoking. I'm tired of bandage dresses, but this is The Bachelor and at least she pulls it off.  

 She talks to each of the guys, and Ryan is totally creepy. She tells him he is a sweet talker and he has no idea this could have a bad connotation. He says she better believe he will be sweet talking his wife every day and will "chase her around the kitchens.. little spoons". What? Come again? I really hope I can stream Bachelor Augusta.
"Haha. This is what a smug asshole looks like"
After all the dumped men have talked, we see the montages of Emily's love with each of the remaining men, and again, i think the ABC producers should win Emmy's for using recycled material in every episode without anyone noticing. 
Counting the minutes until I waste a full 3 hours of my life next week. 

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