But, being an award show, not everyone can win. So, I thought I would up the odds, and give out a few awards of my own.
Best Dressed: Hands down, Michelle Williams, in a peplum cut Louis Vuitton dress. The simple styling and small brooch are perfect. This dress makes me want to get married again, so I could wear it in white. Who would have ever thought Jen Lindley would have come so far?!?
Worst Non-Use of SPANX: I am sure that Penelope Ann Miller has a fabulous figure compared to a normal person, but she is living in HollyLand where perfection is a prerequisite. You cannot tell in this picture, but on television, she was all lumps and jiggly stomach bumps. All P.A.M needed was some SPANX to suck it all in. Well, I shouldn't say all she needed. Her Badgley Mischka dress is a total disaster that for some reason reminds me of a criss cross halter top a stripper may wear. So pretty much I have just called Penelope Ann Miller fat and told her she dresses like a stripper. Oops.
Worst Use of SPANX: Cameron Diaz has been looking pretty haggard lately. Her Gucci Premiere dress isn't totally terrible except there is a very visible line of where her SPANX end. Is the SPANX Line the new Panty Line? Talk amongst yourselves.
Best Big Girl Dressing: Yep, I went there. I am so glad one of the "larger" girls on the carpet figured out that draping, rouching, and layers don't make us think you are thinner. Octavia Spencer's Tadashi Shoji is gorgeous and very figure flattering. My only criticism is that she couldn't walk in it which made the victory walk to her statue rather ungraceful.
Cutest Couple: If I lived in LA, I would want Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann to come to all my dinner parties. Judd would tell funny stories with Leslie piping in funnier tidbits in her cute voice making the whole table laugh while we ate asparagus and pot pie.
Worst Oscar Statue Costume: Marchesa either does their dresses really well (see Olivia Wilde and Sienna Miller) or really, really, horrifically wrong (see Andrea Riseborough and Lea Michelle) . In Stacy Keibler's case, she falls into the latter. Someone forgot to tell her they give gold statues out, they don't come on George Clooney's arm.
Worst Tux: It's a tie between Jonah Hill and Matthew Lillard. Jonah Hill looks like an extra from the movie Casino, only his bow tie is a weapon from the enemy that is slowly asphyxiating him. And sadly, Matthew Lillard left his coat in the limo and had to borrow an extra from Jonah Hill's even fatter-than-he-currently-is days.
Best Tux Jacket: I loved Christopher Plummer in The Beginners, and I was so happy to see him win the big award. He looked classic and regal in his velvet tux coat - take a note Angie, this is how you do velvet. I do wish his wife would have left her carpel tunnel wrist guard at home though.
Worst Granny Dress: I feel badly saying this, because Jessica Chastain was charming and adorable in her red carpet interviews, but someone please tell me why she continually dresses like an 80-year old. I realize I am supposed to gush over her Alexander McQueen dress for the sole reason that it is McQueen, but I just can't get the image of Michael Jackson hip thrusting in his Thriller jacket out of my head..
Best Red Dress on the Red Carpet on a Red Head: There was a lot that could go wrong here. Red on the red carpet? Risky. Red on a red head? Yikes. Red giant bow inches from your face? Scary. But cute Emma Stone pulls it off. She looks chic and effortless.
Best Use of Color: While her smashed breasts are a bit distracting, I adore the green shade of Viola Davis' Vera Wang gown. Such a great color that I am guessing the fabric sold out at the store, and they only had enough fabric to cover her nipples.
Best Superhero Masquerading as a Movie Star: Judy Greer went and did it again. She looked so great at the SAG awards, I thought we were past this. I can't decide if I should focus on her terrible 90's Aunt Becky hair or her crime fighting suit.
Best Use of a Trash Bag at the Oscars: I have no idea who Anne-Sophie Bion is, so that means she is probably in The Artist. Well, Sweets, we will need some words to explain why you are wearing Glad Force Flex down the carpet. I hope you didn't get the scented kind. They give me a headache.
Cutest Attendee and WINNER: I was so glad to see Bret McKenzie win for Best Original Song. I've had a crush on him since Flight of the Conchords.
Most "Hmmmmm" Causing: I really don't know if I hate Gwyneth Paltrow's Tom Ford dress. On one hand, she looks very pretty, but then I see the cape... but then I think, I don't hate that cape... but the I realize she is in a cape... Maybe she should have lent her cape to Judy Greer to complete her ensemble. I do, however, hate her cuff bracelet. I feel like this is always the bracelet people try on in jewelry stores in reality television. Gwynie, you have better access to baubles than Nini Leeks, show it.
Most Likely to Make Me Chuck a Chips Ahoy at the TV: I can't stand Angelina Jolie. This goes back long before Team Jen/Team Angie. I don't understand how a few adopted kids can make people forget that she carried a vial of blood around her neck and made out with her brother. Maria Von Trapp must have worked over time to make her this dress out of the Abbey's finest velvet curtains. Too bad for Ang, Maria was too busy falling in love with Captain to finish the fitting.
The dress itself was bad enough, but then she had to go and get all Lea Michelle with her leg poses. Did you see she even did it while presenting?!? Someone please tell her to wipe her serious, sexy face off and tuck her skelator legs back in her dress.
Best Fit: Giuliana Rancic looked stunning in Tony Ward. The dress fit her like a glove. I bet Bill is so in love with her tonight.
Worst Dressing for Her Age: Jane Seymour is looking good for her age, no doubt, but she would look a lot better with a higher neck. It doesn't say much about the perkiness of her gals if you barely get a peak with a V that deep.
Most Ironic: Did anyone else find it odd that when presenting with Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez made some line about clothing being "Tight enough to fit a woman, but loose enough for a lady" while her nipple was trying to peak out of her skin tight gown? Jenny, go back to the block.
Best Bridesmaid Dress: My mom, Mrs. Cookie, is going to be mad at me for this. Penelope Cruz was one of her faves, but I think this color makes the dress look like she belongs in the cast of Bridesmaids. She'd be taking home the best man tonight, but still a bridesmaid.
Santa! Get back to the North Pole. Mrs. Claus has been looking everywhere for you!