After Party Glitter

Happy Leap Day!
The fashions got even flashier at the after parties. Some stars stuck with their Oscar gowns, but others, thankfully (cough, cough, Cameron Diaz) changed their clothes. Lots of stars just showed up to party, and took the opportunity to try out some risky ensembles..

Ole! Salma Hayek is wearing to world's most expensive Mexican restaurant uniform.  Whoever told her to accessorize her peasant girl dress with a side braid should have asked if she wanted chips with that.

Oh, gee, J. Lo. Didn't expect you to have your boobs hanging out. What a fashion surprise from you. Good thing you wore your serious sexy face, or I wouldn't have recognized you. 

I bet J. Lo is pissed that Irina Shayk out-boobed her. Does that skirt make anyone else want to sing "Under The Sea"?

Ladies, for a reference, this is how you don't do colorblocking for spring.

Katie Holmes looks downright adorable! I love her dress and hair, and her styling is perfect. I am loving all these structured metallic belts. I wonder if Suri styled her. Tom Cruise while botoxed to frozen perfection, seems to be aging backwards.

Kate Beckensale's George of the Jungle dress is a travesty. But she is so stunningly gorgeous I barely noticed. Can someone get me the name of her dermatologist?

 

Mena Suvari.. Mena Suvari... This dress is bad, like the baby chick version of Bjork's swan dress, bad. However, I think it wouldn't have looked so awkward if it was on someone 10 inches taller and fell mid thigh. Maybe then it could be pulled off as cute and flirty if it was paired with hot pink shoes.

Whoever is Amy Adam's stylist should be shot. Her Oscar dress and necklace last year was frightful. And this year, she was allowed to leave the house in a dress from the fitting room floor of Forever 21. Her stripper shoes aren't even the same shade of silver!

Karolina Kurkova is taunting me that I will never be a blond Amazon woman. If she can pull off a silver ankle length jumpsuit, the girl really can wear anything.

Was January Jones a judge on Project Runway episode, and I missed it? The prize must have been that she would wear the winner's creation made from one of her Mad Men costumes, and transformed for "today's woman". That is the only reason I can think of that she would wear this bizarre, dowdy outfit to Vanity Fair.

Thank you, Lily Collins, for showing me why short people shouldn't wear ball gowns. I really wanted a dress like this for Prom '99, but my mom said, "No". Now I see what she saw.

I heart Elizabeth Banks, and I love her even more after her cameos on 30 Rock. She looks ah-mazing in her green polka dot ensemble. While I am not one to stand behind feathers on dresses, I like the rest of the dress and her makeup enough to over look it.

Is anyone else thinking about Chaquita bananas? Serena Williams is single handedly making me never want to work a muscle again, especially my gluteus maximus. This booty is way more WWF than WWD.

And this is why Marissa Miller is a supermodel, and none of us are...

Wow, Minnie Driver reveals the father of her child 3 years into his life, and then steps out in this gorgeous number. Minnie, I hope this means you have a comeback on the horizon. I could really use a follow up to Circle of Friends.

Kate Hudson missed the Oscar's telecast, because she had a big appearance at the Ice Capades. She had an important couples skate with Elvis Stojko. Luckily, she managed to put on her gorgeous red dress, and made it to the party. Too bad she forgot to take off her skating nylons.

Did a 70-year old woman with lots of plastic surgery replace Cameron Diaz when I wasn't looking? Seriously, what is wrong with her face? If this is what plastic surgery does to a woman, I'm taking it as a public service announcement. I do love the orange dress. It has a fab zipper down the back. Just wish it was on Jessica Biel... oooh ZING!

 

Shailene Woodley, we get it, you were in a movie based in Hawaii. You don't need to dress in costume for the next year.

While I think she needs a little meat and a good tan on her legs, Kate Bosworth looks gorgeous, and look at her cute man!

 

Diane Kruger is always the coolest girl in a room - and she got Pacey Ritter.

A picture is worth 1,000 words.

What I wouldn't give to be hanging with this crew. Do you think Steve brought out his banjo?

I thought having a child would bring Rachel Zoe to the real world, and make her understand the gloriousness of a cheeseburger, but sadly, she seems to be thinner than ever.

 

Maybe I have a thing for polka dots, but I LOVE this dress. Claire Danes' hair and makeup is perfect too. Somewhere Angela Chase is really proud.

 

Hey, Paula.. If you have to squeeze your knees in your pose, your dress is too short. And just so you know, you're not a teen being honored at the Teen Choice Awards, so take off your feathered mini dress, and put on something that covers up your hefty physique.

 

There was a lot of the same look at the Vanity Fair party. Namely this sheer panel black dress-ness.
These are two girls I think can pull off anything, and even they fail and end up looking like Morticia Addams.  

 


The worst offender by far though, was Ginnifer Goodwin. Is she trying to something for a roll? Is Kid Rock looking for a chick to ride on the back of his motorcycle in a Biker Boyz remake? I also really love the ill suited necklace. It's like someone gave her free swag on the way in, so she threw it on.



Not very many people, and by this I mean, no one, could pull of Emma Stone's peplum dress, but I love it on her.
I feel the same way saying this as I felt about Paris Hilton, but Kim Kardashian looked really pretty. I am so proud of her for covering up and looking sophisticated, and for once, not looking like an extra on Ice Loves Coco. Keep it classy, Kimmy.

 

Tunesday With George: Punch Brothers

Punch Brothers are often described as "progressive bluegrass", but on their newest album Who's Feeling Young Now they progressed so far away from bluegrass it's hard to use that second word in the description anymore. Except for their instrumentation, of course: Chris Thile on Mandolin, Noam Pikelny on Banjo, Chris Eldridge on guitar, Paul Kowert on stand-up bass, and Gabe Witcher on fiddle. This album is wide-ranging, atmospheric, and at times feels more classical or jazz-based than bluegrass. Their playing, as always, is incredibly deft.

Oscar the Glamourous

I think my favorite moment from E! Live from the Red Carpet was watching P. Diddy (yes, this is the correct name for him this month) have his Jeeves lint roll him while he checked himself out in the limo window. Diddy was so impressed with his reflection that he licked his lips in approval. Classic.

But, being an award show, not everyone can win. So, I thought I would up the odds, and give out a few awards of my own.

Best Dressed: Hands down, Michelle Williams, in a peplum cut Louis Vuitton dress. The simple styling and small brooch are perfect. This dress makes me want to get married again, so I could wear it in white. Who would have ever thought Jen Lindley would have come so far?!?

Best Use of the Evening's Trends:  One-shoulder, sequins, and white/nude-tones were very popular on the carpet this year. Mila Jovovich managed to wrangle all three trends and look like a true movie star in her Elie Saab gown.

Worst Non-Use of SPANX: I am sure that Penelope Ann Miller has a fabulous figure compared to a normal person, but she is living in HollyLand where perfection is a prerequisite. You cannot tell in this picture, but on television, she was all lumps and jiggly stomach bumps. All P.A.M needed was some SPANX to suck it all in. Well, I shouldn't say all she needed. Her Badgley Mischka dress is a total disaster that for some reason reminds me of a criss cross halter top a stripper may wear. So pretty much I have just called Penelope Ann Miller fat and told her she dresses like a stripper. Oops.  

Worst Use of SPANX: Cameron Diaz has been looking pretty haggard lately. Her Gucci Premiere dress isn't totally terrible except there is a very visible line of where her SPANX end. Is the SPANX Line the new Panty Line? Talk amongst yourselves.

Best Big Girl Dressing: Yep, I went there. I am so glad one of the "larger" girls on the carpet figured out that draping, rouching, and layers don't make us think you are thinner. Octavia Spencer's Tadashi Shoji is gorgeous and very figure flattering. My only criticism is that she couldn't walk in it which made the victory walk to her statue rather ungraceful.

Cutest Couple: If I lived in LA, I would want Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann to come to all my dinner parties. Judd would tell funny stories with Leslie piping in funnier tidbits in her cute voice making the whole table laugh while we ate asparagus and pot pie.

Worst Oscar Statue Costume: Marchesa either does their dresses really well (see Olivia Wilde and Sienna Miller) or really, really, horrifically wrong (see Andrea Riseborough and Lea Michelle) . In Stacy Keibler's case, she falls into the latter. Someone forgot to tell her they give gold statues out, they don't come on George Clooney's arm.  

Worst Tux: It's a tie between Jonah Hill and Matthew Lillard. Jonah Hill looks like an extra from the movie Casino, only his bow tie is a weapon from the enemy that is slowly asphyxiating him. And sadly, Matthew Lillard left his coat in the limo and had to borrow an extra from Jonah Hill's even fatter-than-he-currently-is days.
 

Best Tux Jacket: I loved Christopher Plummer in The Beginners, and I was so happy to see him win the big award. He looked classic and regal in his velvet tux coat - take a note Angie, this is how you do velvet. I do wish his wife would have left her carpel tunnel wrist guard at home though.

Worst Granny Dress: I feel badly saying this, because Jessica Chastain was charming and adorable in her red carpet interviews, but someone please tell me why she continually dresses like an 80-year old. I realize I am supposed to gush over her Alexander McQueen dress for the sole reason that it is McQueen, but I just can't get the image of Michael Jackson hip thrusting in his Thriller jacket out of my head..

Best Red Dress on the Red Carpet on a Red Head: There was a lot that could go wrong here. Red on the red carpet? Risky. Red on a red head? Yikes. Red giant bow inches from your face? Scary. But cute Emma Stone  pulls it off. She looks chic and effortless.

Best Use of Color: While her smashed breasts are a bit distracting, I adore the green shade of Viola Davis' Vera Wang gown. Such a great color that I am guessing the fabric sold out at the store, and they only had enough fabric to cover her nipples.

Best Superhero Masquerading as a Movie Star: Judy Greer went and did it again. She looked so great at the SAG awards, I thought we were past this. I can't decide if I should focus on her terrible 90's Aunt Becky hair or her crime fighting suit.

Best Use of a Trash Bag at the Oscars: I have no idea who Anne-Sophie Bion is, so that means she is probably in The Artist. Well, Sweets, we will need some words to explain why you are wearing Glad Force Flex down the carpet. I hope you didn't get the scented kind. They give me a headache.

Cutest Attendee and WINNER: I was so glad to see Bret McKenzie win for Best Original Song. I've had a crush on him since Flight of the Conchords.

Most "Hmmmmm" Causing: I really don't know if I hate Gwyneth Paltrow's Tom Ford dress. On one hand, she looks very pretty, but then I see the cape... but then I think, I don't hate that cape... but the I realize she is in a cape... Maybe she should have lent her cape to Judy Greer to complete her ensemble. I do, however, hate her cuff bracelet. I feel like this is always the bracelet people try on in jewelry stores in reality television. Gwynie, you have better access to baubles than Nini Leeks, show it.

Most Likely to Make Me Chuck a Chips Ahoy at the TV: I can't stand Angelina Jolie. This goes back long before Team Jen/Team Angie. I don't understand how a few adopted kids can make people forget that she carried a vial of blood around her neck and made out with her brother. Maria Von Trapp must have worked over time to make her this dress out of the Abbey's finest velvet curtains. Too bad for Ang, Maria was too busy falling in love with Captain to finish the fitting.
The dress itself was bad enough, but then she had to go and get all Lea Michelle with her leg poses. Did you see she even did it while presenting?!? Someone please tell her to wipe her serious, sexy face off and tuck her skelator legs back in her dress.

 

Best Fit: Giuliana Rancic looked stunning in Tony Ward. The dress fit her like a glove. I bet Bill is so in love with her tonight.

Worst Dressing for Her Age: Jane Seymour is looking good for her age, no doubt, but she would look a lot better with a higher neck. It doesn't say much about the perkiness of her gals if you barely get a peak with a V that deep.

Most Ironic: Did anyone else find it odd that when presenting with Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez made some line about clothing being "Tight enough to fit a woman, but loose enough for a lady" while her nipple was trying to peak out of her skin tight gown? Jenny, go back to the block.

Best Bridesmaid Dress:  My mom, Mrs. Cookie, is going to be mad at me for this. Penelope Cruz was one of her faves, but I think this color makes the dress look like she belongs in the cast of Bridesmaids. She'd be taking home the best man tonight, but still a bridesmaid.

Santa! Get back to the North Pole. Mrs. Claus has been looking everywhere for you!