Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Let The Limos Roll

Feast your eyes, ladies, this is the last time you'll see Sean with his shirt on. This season is about baby oiled pecs.
The shows opens with a long montage of Sean pumping iron, jogging in a city park, and climbing rocks at the beach in Dallas(?) while shirtless, of course. Sean's nipples are going to get a lot of airtime this season - maybe as much airtime as Sean's V-neck tees. The man has a v-neck in every shade. In this episode alone, we saw: royal blue, kelly green, heather orange, heather blue, grey, navy, and a grey and yellow stripe courtesy of Ari, all of which were pushed up to maximize bicep display.
Sean Lowe Bachelor Topless
Sean's "good friend", Ari, who was also dumped by Emily, stops by to give dating, dumping, and make out tips to Sean. The two ham it up in their tight v-necks, and we get a glimpse into what guys who shop at Ed Hardy together talk about while sharing a Monster energy drink. 
Ari, I really like your v-neck. Where did you it? American Eagle? I thought so.

The limos arrive, and out roll the ladies. First out is AshLee, a professional organizer. Who in her bio, we saw sitting pensively on the couch thinking about her tough upbringing and being adopted at age 6. I foresee many conversations about the importance of family and marriage - the kind of things you get deep about after 30 minutes with a guy. 
Robyn seems like a giant engineering dork that thinks the word "quirky" is an endearing way to describe someone who is completely obnoxious. This is a common nerd misconception. She gets out of the limo with intentions to do multiple back walkovers to Sean, but fails on the second one. it hilarious and excruciating at the same time.
Lord, please let Ashley P. be the first to go home. We meet her during her montage where she is asking all her friends why she's single. (Never a good sign.) Then being the Inspector Gadget the producers are, they share a few ideas for us. 1) She introduces us to her cat 2) And "the man in my life: Christian Grey". I gagged.  This girl is 50 shades of obnoxious. When she meets Sean she pulls a grey tie out of her boobs. The symbolism is completely lost on Sean, and it is amazing. 
Jackie, the cosmetic consultant puts on some bright red lipstick and leaves an annoying grandma kiss on Sean's cheek. Luckily Selma came to the rescue and pulled a hankie from her boobs to wipe it off. Did they plan this? And for the record, I called it that Selma would be using the girls in the first episode. 
Leslie calls Sean a "hunk", my favorite word for a guy courtesy of my mom. I wish she wasn't dressed like a Cache model with a sparkly dress that falls 2 inches too short, so it reveals her dye-able Nina shoes. She could have earned a few points. 
Daniella comes out looking super trashy with hair that just got down in the limo on prom night She teaches Sean a high five to remember her by, too bad he will never remember the stupid high-five.
Kelly, the cruiseship entertainer, from Nashville embarrasses the country music industry by singing an acapella original song. I think her spray tan could have sang for itself. She is the most unusual shade of orange.
Katie come out next in a cute hot pink dress and teaches Sean some yoga. Namaste. I think you'll last a while, Katie.
Taryn confesses she hasn't watched the last few seasons (liar! anyone who wears ruching like that loves the Bachelor).
I found this picture online of Taryn. The tatt, the rock n roll sign, the pose... oh god. 
Catherine is adorable and also calls Sean a "hunk". She was one of my front runners until she got inside and talked for more than 3 seconds. Wamp Wamp... 
Lacey brought Sean a heart of lace (get it?! OMG!) to remember her by. It looks more like one half of some hanky pankys. She proceeds to spend the rest of the evening sitting so her dress exposes her legs all the way up to her lulu. I'm guessing trying to share her other piece of lace...

Paige, the former Bachelor Pad SUPER FAN!, is totally creepy (as expected) and has an undeserved confidence.
We meet Tierra and her purse dog in a montage. She nearly weeps when she hears the bachelor is Sean. When she gets out of the limo, she shows Sean an open heart tattoo on her finger and tells him she hopes he can complete it. Somehow in 3 seconds, Sean decides to confer with Chris Harrison in the most shocking limo introduction ceremony EVER, and gives Tierra a rose. Damn, girl. You're so down to earth! The girls obviously freak when she enters the room. Wow, instant way to have 25 enemies.
Amanda who wore the plaid shirt in her portrait has an adorable black and white dress on and is precious with cute lipstick and a bright smile in person. Front runner for me. I can't wait to see her season's fashions. 
You Go Girl!
KeriAnn is next up and looks like the 3rd Duff sister, only stoned and with one of those triple barrel waves that were so popular my freshman year of college when we all wore black yoga pants and neon turquoise tube tops to pledge parties. 
Poor Desiree, as predicted is introduced in her montage trying on wedding dresses and talking about Prince Charming. She seems so cute, such a bummer she's going to be the wedding freak. When she stepped out of the limo, Desiree brought pennies, so she and Sean could make wishes in the pond. I am sure she wished for a tiara and fairy godmother. 
So Sara, that I said seemed super high maintenance only has one arm. Guess that warrants her talking about how she takes so long to get ready... She doesn't even address it in the opening, but during their one on one time she discusses it. Sean gives her a rose, obviously. 
Sean and Sarah During The Bachelor 2013 Premiere Cocktail Party
Brooke, the token short hair girl which is actually a terrible wig, struts out of the limo and introduces herself like only a phone sex operator could. I think she thought this was at an audition for extras in Dreamgirls.
Woah. Diana makes Bachelor history being the first single mom of 2! She definitely going to drag out the drama of telling Sean she has children. But, Diana makes it pretty obvious how she has manage to have those 2 kids...
Sean and Diana Talk at The Bachelor 2013 Premiere Cocktail Party
Lesley seems pretty cute and normal. I'm hoping the campaign signs were a producer forced gimmick. She comes out of the limo in an adorable dress with a lame football trick, so she could check out his butt. I'm letting it slide because she looked cute.
Kristy, the Ford Model is playing the role of conceited, pretty girl this season. In her montage, she dropped the line, "girls will be jealous of me" and used "Best from the Midwest", not once, but twice. It won't be long until the girls are excluding her from margarita time by the pool, so they can talk behind her back.
Sean and Kristy During The Bachelor 2013 Premiere Cocktail Party
Guessing they didn't teach sitting like a lady in model school
Ashley H is in the light blue Jessica McClintock. She lays the flirt on heavy when she gets out of hte limo, and she lays it on even thicker to get a rose inside, but Sean denies her. 
Lauren's family owns an Italian restaurant. 
Lindsey, the substitute teacher, came out in a full wedding gown and veil. I am sure this idea was funnier when she was planning it with her friends. She seems to instantly regret it and proceeds to nervous laugh for the rest of the episode.
Chris drops the bombshell that another surprise contestant is on the way. It is Kacie B, from Ben's season! I have no idea who this girl is, but apparently Sean is excited to see her. None of the girls know who she is either, but when she reveals herself, the claws come out. 

At the getting to know you party, Sean does the unthinkable and shakes up the rose rules. He chooses to hand out the coveted flowers the minute he feels a connection with a girl. This causes a shock and panic to spill through the house as the girls start counting "first impression" roses. Tierra was the first to get one when she got out of the limo. Next up is Desiree, who is pretty charming during their one on one time. The girls freak - or are "mean-buggin'" according to Catherine (I told you I liked her until she talked). I believe it was Paige, The Bachelor Pad reject, that makes the comment to Deisree's face: "I mean you're stunning, but that isn't the 'first impression' rose, it's just a rose." Hisssss. Sean starts handing out roses willy nilly to - Robyn, Jackie, Lesley, Selma, Sara, and some other people I forget.
Taryn is the girl of the season who weeps, because she doesn't "compete" with other women for a man. I'm not sure what show she thought she signed up for. Call me crazy, but even in seasons past the plot was the same. And let's be real, you're the girl in a hot pink bikini down on all fours on the back of a boat, I think you've competed for a man before, T-ryn.
As the night rolls on, the ladies get smashed. Namely Hilary Duff's sister and the girl in the wedding dress - but really, wouldn't you? I have a bad track record in costumes too, Lindsey. The real lush though (which came as no surprise) was the Shade of Grey girl, Ashley P. She gets bombed and starts doing a body roll against the door jam and shaking her rump to get Sean's attention while he's talking to Paige. She later eats it down the stairs. I sort of wish the producers would make him keep her for the entertainment alone.
Even though the majority of the girls have a rose, Sean holds a rose ceremony for the remaining 7 B-team roses and the loser ladies. It's pretty awkward watching him rank the girls - and I already love the competitive hierarchy that is set. Way to create drama, Sean!

Going Home: Ashley P. (no surprise there), Brooke, Paige (guess experience doesn't count for much), Lacey, Lauren, KeriAnn, Kelly (I know the singing didn't help, but your unnatural orange tone and job as cruiseship entertainer may had to have something do with it), Ashley H. & her Jessica McClintock

My friend Molly shared this gem with me:
Occupations of Bachelor contestants, in order of appearance:
Personal Organizer
Cosmetics Consultant
Real Estate Developer
Poker Dealer
Commercial Casting Associate
Cruise Ship Entertainer
Yoga Instructor
Hair Stylist
Health Club Manager
Graphic Designer
Oil Field Account Manager
Graduate Student
Jumbotron Operator
Leasing Consultant
Fit Model
Bridal Stylist
Advertising Executive
Community Organizer
Salon Owner
Political Consultant
Fashion Model
Substitute Teacher
Ben's Season
**Greatest first episode in YEARS.

If you didn't DVR the episode, I hope you saw the genius Crate & Barrel ad campaign created by my brilliant friend Katie K. You can think of her every time you see this:


  1. I love you for many reasons, but especially this comment, "I have a bad track record in costumes too, Lindsay."

    And go KK!

  2. This is, honestly, the best thing I've read in ages.

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