Monday, January 7, 2013

It's Back...

Who is in the ice blue Jessica McClintock?!
I hemmed and hawed over whether I would do Bachelor recaps. To be honest, I think Sean is a snooze, but more importantly, the recaps are a lot of work and I am getting lazy in my 30th year. But then I thought better of it. With 25 desperate women, vying for one cheeseball, the comedic foddor is endless. So ladies (and Kelly Steedman), for you, I will be sacrificing my time and brain cells for the 26th season of The Bachelor.
Let's all get to know the cast of characters:
We all know Sean, this year's Bachelor

AmandaAmanda is a fit model. And while she looks cute, I appreciate her down home girl flannel, her choice of occupation doesn't quite fit her Mother Teresa Q&A answers
What was the most romantic present you have ever received and why?
I was offered a prada bag or the same amount of $$ donated to a charity that we would volunteer at (I went with the second)
AshleeAshLee F. (yes, the is how she spells her name.) says she could take up to 3 hours to get ready. It must take a long time to get her hair that shade of grey. 
Ashley H.Ashley H. says she is a fashion model. Apparently she only models for slutty Halloween costumes, Flintstones being her favorite.
Ashley P.Ashley P rounds out the Ashely trifecta. She is 28, but with her use of emoicons and exclamation points, I am guessing the guys in her favorite chat rooms think she is 17 (Because she's a Leo)
"Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Yes! extremely I wear my <3 on my sleeve and tend to let my emotions rule over my head and romantic attention (I am a Leo)."
BrookeBrooke fills 2 criteria: token black girl and token short hair. Her answers are pretty normal, so it's too bad she'll be out in the first round. 
CatherineCatherine is cute and her answers are only mildly embarrassing. Let's see where this one goes.
DaniellaDaniella is apparently from near my home town. I am sure she's friends with my little brother, but that won't stop me from saying, I have a feeling this one is going to be the house trouble maker. Something about that sneaky smile. She also stole her embarrassing moment from a YM "Say Anything"
"What is your most embarrassing moment?
Falling flat on my face in High School in front of my biggest crush!" 

DesireeDesiree, aside from having an unfortunate name, is a "bridal stylist" and list Eat Pray Love as one of her favorite book. Desi, I can smell your desperation from Internet Explorer
DianaDiana is 31, and thinks Taylor Swift is extremely talented. Enough said. 
JackieJackie who is a "Cosmetic Consultant", despite her strange occupation has normal answers. Another possible front runner. 
KatiePoor Katie was documented saying "Biggest Loser" and "Extreme Makeover" are 2 of her favorite shows. Katie, no one, especially a single woman looking for love shares this with the world. 
KellyKelly is "Cruiseship Entertainer" and her favorite book is Sassy, Single, and Satisfied. I think I am really going to looooove Kelly. 
KeriannKeriann's hair is too long. 
KristyKrista is a model and she is going to flirt really hard with Sean. 
LaceyLacey is a graduate student who is really pretty and had semi-normal answers. Sean is going to keep this one around for a bit.
LaurenLauren is a journalist who loves Katie Couric. I bet Katie would agree that going on The Bachelor is a great way to be taken seriously in the news. 
LesleyWith her hooded eyes and extension packed hair, Lesley isn't earning any points with me. Her Q&A even demonstrates her annoying girl practice of giving a statement as a question: What's your biggest date fear? Talking to a brick wall?
LeslieLeslie is a poker dealer from Florida, and with guns lie that, it looks like she may be in charge of shaking down card counters too. 
LindsayLindsay is a substitute teach from North Carolina. Her answers weren't that bad to the questions, and I respect that she tried to pretend she has a job even though "substitute" screams, I quit my preschool teacher job to get on TV and be discovered by EXTRA! find true love
PaigePaige has a job that I can only imagine is becoming a lost art - Jumbotron Operator. I didn't watch Bachelor Pad, but from her description, I think she was one of the super fan contestants. Something tells me she going to have endless hours of wisdom for the girls like "Make sure you're here for the right reasons" and "Don't trust her. She's just playing the game".
RobynRobyn's a little horsey and her guns scare me, but her responses to the questions are benign enough.
SarahSean, be afraid of Sarah. Not only does she looks about 10 years older than her 26 years, but she seems incredibly high maintenance and needy. Honey, if this is your expectation about a man, I don't think marriage is for you: 
I love it when my date... : Compliments me!!! - Guys are forgetting how important it is to tell a girl how she looks! She spent a long time getting ready for you. Tell her you notice!!! Calls me rather than texts, plans the whole date without asking me anything. Gets creative, teaches me something new, shows me who he really is. talks and initiates great conversation. 
Sarah also "tried fitting in several university "type" colleges". Any person who doesn't like college has something wrong with them.
SelmaI think Selma is going to come in hot with her fake bobs on full display. I'm guessing something short, low-cut, possibly pink with rhinestones.
TarynTaryn's got a 14-point checklist on what's she's looking for in a man. I'm sure 6'3", blonde and a total goob goes without saying. What is your ideal mate's personality like? Optimistic on life, fun and open to new things, motivated, organized in his finances but not too uptight about them, can joke around when the time is right. 
TierraHey Tierra, your name means Earth. I bet you are going to use this to your advantage to show all the girls how "Down to Earth" you are. You're so down that apparently you missed the spelling part of middle school. If it were me applying to meet my soul mate for the world to see, I think I would have spell checked.
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
My future soul-mate! I just want to meet him already. Someone who it is just as naturual and we are best friends!

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