Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Bachelor Recap: Fun in the Sun

As per usual, the show opens with Sean shirtless trying out for his job after The Bachelor, BoFlex promoter. I think this footage may have been borrowed from the first episode, but then again the only thing Sean does at home may just be workout. 
The girls squeal as the doorbell rings and the first date box arrives. Lesley M (the one from DC) gets the first rose. She is my front runner, mainly because she seems normal in comparison to the other girls in the house - I'm looking at you Tierra. The hop in the limo and go to The Guinness Book of World Records. I have flashbacks to family vacations when my little brother was allowed to pick the day's activity. It would have only been better if they climbed the stairs and looked through the eyes of the world's tallest man. Lesley is a good sport pretending like this is a fun first date - or as Sean puts it "doing what a normal tourist would do". Yes totally normal if you are my 7 year old brother, Scott. Sean finally gets to the reason they are there, explaining that his dad is featured for setting a world record for traveling the US in the shortest time. And then, since it is The Bachelor, they have to do something embarrassing. And this time, it is trying to break the world record for longest on screen kiss in front of about 100 people. worst nightmare? Yes. The record to beat is 3:15. I think any middle schooler in a basement could beat that record without even trying.
At first, their confessionals are normal and they talk about how awkward it is, but then as the record drags on into minute 2, the kiss takes on greater meaning for each of them.  The kiss has become a metaphor for how compatible they are and how they officially have a connection - they literally cued the dramatic love song music during this transition. Sean comments that he is comfortable around Lesley about 75 times - FRIEND ZONE. Date continues on a couch surrounded by candles on the roof of The Roosevelt, typical tourist stuff. More kissing and talking about how compatible they are ensues. 
Meanwhile back at the ranch, a date card arrives for Kacie B., Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsey, Daniella, Jackie, and Tierra. 
When Sean arrives, the 12 girls scream in delight and head to the beach to awkwardly play beach games while begging Sean to take off his shirt. He obliges and starts doing push ups with the girls on his back (for realz).  

Chris Harrison comes and ruins the muscle beach fun. In typical dramatic fashion, he informs the girls they are about to play a game of volleyball for Sean's heart aka one-on-one time. Amanda "knows what it takes to win on and off the field". ZING! Daniella is already talking like she wasted at noon. The girls get geared up with a zinc oxide "S" on their bodies - S for Sean, duh-zies. 
The game is an embarrassing display. Taryn, who I didn't know existed, says this is the most important volleyball game of her life - as opposed to that ABC Family junior high game you played that had under-themes about a teammate beating cancer? The Blue Team is victorious and the red team heads home in tears - actual weeping from Kristy.
Kristy made me nervous her rack of fake eyelashes were going to peel off. Leslie H. was so strong on the beach, cuddling Kristy, but her tough facade crumbles on the way home and she cries in the backseat of the Econoline van.

Sean takes the blue team to his house. Lindsey over-exaggerates her 2 hour long relationship with Sean by thinking she is falling in love with this guy and she will just die if he doesn't love her back. Sean and Lindsey make out while death gripping each other's heads. Next up for make out time in the grotto is Desiree. Desiree tells Sean that she has a banging body in a bikini, is really fun, but is also deep and spiritual and is exactly what Sean wants. Well, guess Des doesn't have any confidence issues. More giggly making out. 
The date card arrives to the disgruntled group of girls at the house. It is for AshLee. Tierra pisses the girls off by reading it with her gut hanging out and joking Selma was on the date too. Sarah blows this way out of proportion.
Back at Blue Team Date, Amanda corners Sean, and she too is very confident. She tells Sean she is the one for him, and that if he marries her, she will bring a light and airy atmosphere to his world. uhhh-huh.... 

The rest of the blue team/Crazy Jealous Desiree over hears this. Desiree talks about how Amanda is creepy and here for the 'wrong reasons'. Amanda comes back from her one-on-one time with Sean, and declares that she will get a rose. Kacie B. uses the drama between Desiree and Amanda to her "advantage". She runs to Sean to blow the spat out of proportion, and explains that their squabble causes her to "not be able to be herself". Sean basically tells her that she is being ridiculous and dramatic. Kacie B's "plan" totally works against. Booyah, Kacie B., you couldn't hack it in the first Bachelor season, and now you've failed again. Guess we'll be seeing you on The Bachelor Pad.
Sean gives the date rose to Lindsey and Kacie B. cries.
AshLee, the adopted personal organizer, puts on her lip gloss for her big one-on-one. The girls sit on the couch in sweats drinking spiked smoothies watching her get dressed. While AshLee is waiting for Sean, Tierra falls down the stairs like Ty in Clueless. AshLee is pissed that Tierra steals her thunder when Sean arrives (in a pink v-neck). 
EMTs arrive and put Tierra in a neck brace and on a stretcher. AshLee is convinced she did it on purpose, and rolls her eyes when Sean and Tierra canoodle in the gazebo. The somewhat heavy Tierra sits with her legs up in a pair of white short shorts, not an attractive camera angle - or outfit. 

Sean takes AshLee out in a Jeep Wrangler with no top and she is pissed that her hair is ruined. They go to Six Flags and have the place to themselves. WHAT A DREAM! AshLee couldn't seem less excited. She's such a snooze. I guess I'd be pissed if I was wearing a fancy mini dress and heels too - did she not get the memo that her date would be wearing a v-neck tee and cargo shorts?  
To add insult to injury, Sean has 2 chronically ill girls join them on their date. I'm pretty sure AshLee wanted strangle them. 
Sean's "favorite band" the Eli Young Band come out. After they ditch the kids, AshLee is thrilled she has one-on-one time. She can't wait to get sympathy points from Sean for her troubled past. They both start tearing up talking about AshLee's adopted family. And.. AshLee has won her way to at least the final 5. Sean gives her the rose, and she weeps as she says she's falling in love after one date. They slow dance to Eli Young - Sean has put a very masculine hoodie zip up over his v-neck. Gag, my dinner is threatening to make a second appearance. 
The 3rd elimination cocktail party starts. Sean enters and the girls squeal. Sean pulls Sarah aside for a surprise since they didn't have any one on one time this week, and he surprises her with her french bulldog, Leo. 
Nice move, Sean. Tierra is next up wearing a heinous, trashy Wet Seal dress and what appears to be high heeled combat boots. 
Tierra gets super pissed when Desiree or maybe it's Selma, they are basically the same person to me, interrupts he QT. So after a quick Des/Selma-Sean make out, Tierra steals him back. The other girls get jealous that she is getting a round 2 with Sean. Lesley M. interrupts, which leas to a game of musical bachelor. Desiree is still waiting for Sean to come back and starts crying. 
Kacie B., wearing a wet suit cut off just below her butt cheeks with a matching neon hair tie, apologizes for her behavior and "wants to move forward". Needing to "move forward" and "wipe the slate clean" after spending 6 hours with a guy is never a good sign. 
AshLee and Selma come in and sit down, and Kacie B. nearly has a coronary. And with that, it is time for the rose ceremony... However, I knew there had to be a hiccup, because the show had 15 minutes left. ugh. When the rose ceremony begins, Sean immediately pulls Kacie B. aside. The girls start a whisper circle that he took a rose with him. But much to their delight, he has pulled Kacie B. aside to send her and her neoprene home. So, back to the rose ceremony. 
Out This Week: Kristy, the Ford model and Taryn, the girl I didn't know existed. Rough night for the Red Team. 

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