Chris Harrison arrives at the house to tell the girls what they already know, that there will be 2 one-on-ones and a group date. The first solo goes to the 4th Kardashian sister, K-Selma. At first, I thought Selma was really cute, but the more air time she gets, the more she becomes the resident princess - "I feel like a princess", "Sean is my Prince Charming". Gag! Black Leslie cries, because she hasn't had any time with Sean except for when her team lost at volleyball, and she wept in the van on the way home. Leslie, you don't see Jackie crying and she hasn't even met Sean yet.
Sean has picked Selma for a rugged date, because she told him that people judge her, because she is so pretty (and the prettiest princess in the whoooole land). Do people really say that crap? S&S arrive at the airport to board a private plane sponsored by BlueStar. Sean still won't tell her where they are going, so they sit awkwardly across the aisle. Maybe springing for the G-6 with a couch would have been a more romantic choice, BlueStar. Selma is wearing her finest workout gear after all.
The jet lands, and Selma is expecting to arrive at Miraval for a day of couple's massages, but instead she walks out to the desert in Joshua Tree, CA. Selma doesn't do "heat.at.all". She complains about this in a confessional while wearing a Chanel bag chain as a halter bra.
They head out to the great outdoors, and Selma complains and eeks at every bit of nature they touch. Sean points at rock face in the the distance, and says they are climbing to the top. Selma pisses herself.
As they begin their ascent, it is like watching turtles move. This could be the longest date in history, but then Selma is inspired by the spirit of her fairy godmother, and gets a burst of confidence that catapults her to the top. On their way up, as Selma grunts, Sean tries to flirt with a line no woman will ever hear again, "you look cute in that helmet". They make it to the top, and I am actually pretty impressed. As they victory hug at the peak, Selma's fake boobs pop out of her Lululemon.
While talking about how proud of themselves they are, Sean tries to ignore that his manhood is encapsulated in a harness - If there is one thing we have learned in 435 seasons of The Bachelor, it's that the producers love a good harness cupping.
The couple is plucked off the top of the mountain, and pull up at an airstream park for dinner. Selma tries to pretend she is excited about the "country glam", because pretty princesses only do the most glamorous things with their Prince Charmings.
Selma confesses to Sean that because her family is conservative Muslims, she won't kiss on camera. But, apparently having silicone in your body and having your tits hang out on national television is okay.
While Selma wrestles with how to tell Sean she won't kiss him in the most appropriate baby voice, the group date card arrives at the house. The date card goes to: Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda , Ashley, Sarah, Tierra. Tierra gets feisty and forgets proper grammar, or most likely this is just how she talks in her trailer park: "I don't need no chaperones". When she finds out she's on the group date, Tierra pouts.
Sean and Selma continue to stare deeply into each other's eyes as Sean strokes her cheek and they don't kiss while Selma baby talks. I've had it with Selma-boo-baby-bunny-bear.
Sean gives her the rose even though she won't put out. Selma baby talks some more, and in his confessional, Sean says "her eyes are basically asking me to (kiss her)". I think we learned about a line like this in sorority date rape class - No mean "no!", Sean. In the words of my crisis support friend Adair, "Consent is sexy... and required". Even if your kiss will wake Selma from a 100 year sleep.
Sean arrives at the house to pick up the group date girls. He takes them to a warehouse for a roller derby. I'm gonna say this is not the best choice for a house full of crazy betches who are out for blood. Brilliant work, producers. AshLee, the adopted professional OCD girl, is not excited. This is "not her cup of tea". But you know who is excited? Tierra and Amanda, the Bash Brothers: (That's a slide tackle, not a fall. These chicks mean biz-nay)
Tierra tells us she has "aggression building up from living in the house". I'm pretty sure this is how a Dateline murder story of the 1973 massacre at Kappa Kappa Delta starts.
Sean makes one armed Sarah cry, because despite not wanting to be limited by her disability, she realizes that roller skating is really hard with one arm. Her adopted OCD bff AshLee gives her the confidence that she can do it. It's like watching live action footage of Annie, just one down-trodden foster kid helping another.
Amanda evil giggles about bashing the heads in of her competition...
and then wipes out landing on her chin. Amanda, I believe we call that Karma. I hope Tierra can carry out the mission without you.
Once Amanda is loaded in the ambulance, Sean decides that Roller Derby is a terrible idea, so he tells the girls the date is now a "free skate" I can't wait for the lights to go down, disco ball to drop, Lionel Ritchie to come on, and the DJ to announce it's time for the couples' skate.
Before commercial break, we are teased with Tierra eluding to her mental instability. The fancy boozing part of the date looks like it is going to be juicy.
Back on the date, The girls sit around a coffee table and tell Tierra that she should get into Roller Derby. She can barely converse because she is so focused on the rose, but this roller derby comment sends her into a quiet, bubbling fit of rage. Amanda returns and does not in fact have a broken jaw. Her cute red blouse and yellow floral skirt is adorable even if she is crazy business. Sean pulls her aside, and she milks the sympathy card. He doesn't buy it, and only gives her a kiss on the cheek. Amanda says she wishes she hurt her tonsils: (True story)
At the mansion, the doorbell rings for the one-on-one date, and it is for Leslie H. The date card comes with diamond earrings, and Daniella scowls in rage. Doesn't Sean know that trashy, drunk blondes usually get sugar daddy diamonds?
On the group date, Tierra's fury reaches a boiling point, and Robyn and her start to fight about how Amanda fell. I have no idea what this has to do with either of them. I guess the Bash brothers stick up for each other... Tierra whines on a couch with Sarah and AshLee, but isn't actually talking to either of them, and then storms out in booty shorts her thunder thighs should not be wearing.
Tierra tells us she is walking out, but wants to find Sean first. Too bad he's too busy making out with Lindsey. Sean and Lindsey are really hitting it off oblivious to Tierra's freak out. Lindsey trades her wedding dress joke-ster self for a bikini clad slut-ster, and tells Sean they should strip down and get in the hot tub. The scene flashes to Tierra in hysterics about how she "CAN'T.DO.THIS.ANYMORE!".
It's amazing producing. Sean and Lindsey change clothes and are walking to the hot tub when he notices Tierra crouched in the corner of a warehouse. Sean rushes to her side leaving bikini-clad Lindsey to fend for herself. She returns to the girls pow-wow in nothing but a two-piece. It's amazing.
Tierra has a heart to heart with Sean. It's so overly dramatic and boring I could barely watch. Sean decides he wants her to stay and drops the line "you know what I know? You like me. You know how I know? I can tell by the way you look at me". Gag! Sean leaves as Tierra sits with the creepiest satisfied smile on her face, because she knows she has won and is getting a rose
The girls freak as Sean departs with the coveted rose.
And that is apparently the end of the date, because when we come back from commercial, Sean shows up to the house wearing a heinous vest. Leslie, wearing her diamonds, is completely awkward and a total nerd. They walk outside and she freaks over the "hot" sports car. The "Pretty Woman" line is dropped about 6 times before they even get on Rodeo Drive. Not sure why any girl wants to be compared to a hooker, but these are women on a dating reality show, so who knows. I guess Hooker is the new Princess. Walking down the street, creepy tourists in the background take iPhone photos for their daughters.
They head into Badgley Mishka, where Leslie is apparently only allowed to try on the ugly pageant dresses. Each dress is more heinous than the next. She picks a pleated mess, and they celebrate by slow dancing in the store. Even Richard Gere wasn't romantic enough to slow dance with his hooker! The whole scene is beyond awkward and Leslie's nerdiness makes it exponentially worse.
Sean takes her next door to Neil Lane to pick out a Julia Robert's necklace. And her transformation is complete.
Sean makes Leslie "feel more like a woman than she ever has in her life". He's "everything she could wish for and more", she said dripping in diamonds. You realize, this isn't Sean, this is ABC and Neil Lane, correct?
Leslie and Sean bond over how they are relationship groomers, and all their past loves went on marry someone after they dumped them. Normal first date stuff. In his confessionals, Sean keeps saying he is not feeling it, romantically.
Sean grabs the rose giving Leslie false hopes that he will be keeping her around. Twirling and dangling the rose like a Pavlovian experiment, he tells her he did everything he could to be romantic but the date is still a flop. Harsh, Sean, harsh. It's really actually heartbreaking. Leslie is shocked.
Saying goodbye, she gives him the necklace back and gets in the limo minivan - how far the mighty the fall.
Cut to Indigo Guys playing Sade (no joke!). Where were these guys during dinner when they needed the romance?
The bag courier arrives at the mansion to get the Smallest Bag In Bachelor History. Good thing Sean took Leslie shopping. She only packed bikinis!
We come back from commercial, and it is rose time. Sean and AshLee giggle and peck at each other's lips for five minutes. Next up is Robyn, it's time for the chocolate line we've been teased with for a week - "I've got some chocolate. Do you want some? Which chocolate do you want?" Sean doesn't see color, so I don't think he even got it. Since her joke failed, Robyn pounces on him and goes right in for the kiss. She claims that he kissed her, but on my end it was all her ripping at his neck.
Tierra gets worked up because her ta-tas keep falling out of her dress about the girls attacking her and confronts Robyn and Jackie, the girl who has had a few one liners in 4 episodes, but has never actually talked to Sean. Tierra won't let "high school, pity (sic) stuff" get in her way. Robyn and Jackie "make up" with Tierra, and then go out to the fire pit to continue to talk shit with Desiree and Daniella. No high school, pity stuff going on here.
For her last ditch effort to get his attention, Catherine tucks a letter sealed with a kiss in her thong, and has Sean pull it out. They walk 10 feet out of dodge, so they can make out with no one looking. Apparently the old thong flashing trick still works. I've been been out of the game so long I thought those tricks were dated.
As Sean walks away to stare at framed photos of the girls and make his decision, Tierra talks about taking the girls down with zero joking. I have chills running down my spine. Dateline should really be watching this girl.
Sean gives out the roses, including one to Jackie who can only be kept around, because she does the other girls' make up, because we haven't heard her say more than 8 words. The final rose is up and it is down to Daniella and Amanda.
Out: Amanda, looks like cracking your chin doesn't win the man.
{Some notes: I have officially added "Tierra" and "AshLee" to my spell check dictionary. I see this as a low point, and hope you all appreciate my dedication. And, Good God! Next week is a "2 Night Event" my brain may explode.}
This little nugget of juice on the background of each of the girls is great. Leslie's mugshot is classic! Which contestant was a teen bride and which threw a salt shaker at her former boss?! I couldn't make this stuff up!
