Tuesday, June 12, 2012

London Bridge Is Falling Down

My friend Ann shared this HYSTERICAL video with me. Ben Stiller and a slew of celebs do a spoof of the Bachelor. It is awesome
Emily's journey to love continues in London. I am not really understanding her demanding the show be based in Charlotte for Ricki's sake, if she was just going to take her on the road with her like an extra piece of baggage. oh, yes I did. 
Sweet Sean gets the first one-on-one date - cue the guys to sit around and talk about how they were all slighted and are more deserving than Sweet Sean. 
For their date, Emily takes SS on a tour of London's landmarks. Sweet Sean earned major nerd points for exclaiming: "London's calling and I'm gonna answer" 
Stop being such an American, Sean

As they walk through London, Emily recites lines about the city as if she was learning to read using a guide book. "This is West.min.ster Abbey", "This.is St.Pauls.Cath.e.dral". Sweet Sean is so taken by her ability to overcome tough words by breaking them down into syllables and sounding them out, that he reenacts William & Kate's first kiss. (I am sure this is also a poorly veiled attempt by ABC to show that all women want to be princesses.)
I bet this picture turned out really well. 
The couple then goes to the Tower of London for an intimate dinner. Emily beings reading her guide book again, and talks about how Henry VIII beheaded 2 of his wives here. Romantic. After dinner, Emily declares that she doesn't have butterflies in her stomach, but instead she has them in her heart. I have butterflies in my heart too, Emily, only it's called a heart murmur. Emily's murmuring heart is so taken with Sean, he gets a rose, and continues to the next round. 
The group date box arrives at the hotel for Ryan, Ari, Alejandro, Kalon, Doug, Chris, Wolf, and Travis. The guys all miss the Shakespeare reference, because it talks about a rose, and the only rose they can think about is a rose ceremony. 
The group date activities continue to get more painful, and this one is no different. The guys must act out scenes from Romeo & Juliet for a crowd of confused onlookers. Kalon takes his casting as one of the Romeos very seriously, declaring "I was born to play this role". I'm sure you were Patrick Bateman, I am sure you were. 

Ooh sword fights!
Arie lost major points in my book by being WAY too nervous (and humiliated) about his role as Juliet's nurse. It was pretty embarrassing to see a grown man whimper about looking silly in front of Emily. 
Jerry Maguire finally gets his kiss with Emily. Too bad it was part of a play. His ego didn't let this bother him though. He saw it as a chance to show off to the guys -- and Arie.
After they have all sufficiently looked like idiots, Emily takes them to the obligatory group cocktail party. A sick Emily, takes this time to make out with each of the guys. It took everything in me to not throw shoes at my tv yelling that that being a hussy on multiple continents is how a pandemic starts! When Ryan gets his alone time, he gives Emily a necklace to show he is "taking the real approach to this" and that they aren't just attracted to each other. Nice, Ryan. Women love jewels and assholes. You have this in the bag. 
While Ryan and Emily are talking, all hell breaks lose with the morality police. It comes out that Kalon referred to Ricki as "baggage". The guys struggle with whether or not to tell Emily. Daddy Doug, being the mature father, calls a group pow wow to talk about how as a father, if anyone said that about his son...  DD runs off an tells his mommy Emily. Emily is so mad she can't stop licking her Restylane stuffed lips. 
This is my angry face -Emily
Emily walks out and asks Kalon to defend himself, to which Kalon doesn't - and I actually like him for this! It takes a real man to not backpedal on calling a woman's child baggage. Bravo, Kalon. Emily tells Kalon to "get the F@*$ out." while going all "West Virginia hood rat" on him. Something tells me she offended someone saying this...

Daddy Doug tries to be Emily's shoulder to cry on, but she shoves him off and goes walking through the cold streets of London in a white mini dress. No rose is given out on this date, because Emmy-pie is too upset that no one in the group stood up for her. Tattle-tales win all in this game. The guys go home defeated. 
Jef with one F gets the final one-on-one date, the first for One F. Finally he has his opportunity to pimp out his water company. For their date they have traditional afternoon tea and an etiquette lesson - again, is Emily looking for a gal pal or a husband? The etiquette lesson does not go as planned, and they "spontaneously" head to the pub for a pint and fish & chips. The Ricki baggage situation comes up, and Jef says if Ricki is baggage, then she is a Chloe handbag - WHAT?! I don't think there is a straight man out there that would reference a Chloe bag, let alone know what it is. Between this and his blue knee highs from last episode, I am seriously questioning his heterosexuality. 
The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 4
Jef with one F, you are making Kalon look straight
They leave the pub and have dessert in the London Eye. During the whole date I couldn't stop thinking about how awkward that must have been with a camera crew 3 feet away in the glass egg. Once they are back on land, Jef goes in for the most long winded speech before a first kiss since the 6th grade. Emily is smitten, and Jef with One F gets a rose.
In the end, Alejandro went home. Like none of us saw that coming.

Next episode it looks like Emily does nothing but make out in Croatia (and the pandemic continues...)

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