Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bermuda, Bahama, Come On Pretty Mama

And this is why you are my best friend, GUC:
Glynn Connolly

to me
I heard on the radio this morning that Emily is the most expensive bachelorette ever and has a $350,000 wardrobe budget that has been exceeded.  One of her dresses cost $40,000.  WHAT.  I hope to god we haven't seen that one yet.  I assumed these dresses were purchased at pageant stores or from eDressMe.com.  Apparently the nude mesh used in creating extra long iceskating outfits is pricey.  

Only designer cutoffs for Em. 
The crew heads to Bermuda this week. The show begins with Emily and Ricki frolicking in the beach grass getting ticks, and we see where the creepy logo originated from:
After Emily ditches Ricki to her tutor, a bike brigade of bachelors on Vespas come ripping through town. The men arrive at their well plugged Rosewood Hotel in Bermuda, and they freak out in excitement about sharing a suite with 14 dudes. 
Daddy Doug gets the first one-on-one date, and the guys use this time to rile him up about the possibility that he may be sent home if he doesn't dazzle Emily. DD has no sense of humor and is steps away from clocking Arie before Emily comes to the suite. Off they go on their date, but not before Emily could feel the tension in the room. She has such a woman's intuition. Emily takes Daddy Doug shopping in town and to a perfumery to smell scents. Is she looking for a gal pal or a husband? The couple then sits on the steps in town and writes a letter to Daddy Doug's much talked about son. 

Emily has concerns that Daddy Doug is too perfect, since his only flaw is being too good of a dad and not washing is girlfriends' cars enough. Gah! I HATE when my boyfriend won't bikini car wash my vehicle. deal breaker. Sadly, Emily is sucked in by Daddy Doug whoring out his child, and gives him a rose on their date. 
The group date is announced, and the boys are competing on the high seas for alone time with Emily. They guys are split into 2 groups, and the winner gets a date with Emily and 3 other dudes.

The yellow team wins the top prize, and the red team, comprised of Sean Travis, Chris, & Charlie, is sent packing. Charlie begins to weep in the van on the way home while talking about how embarrassed he is that his team lost. 
Charlie, I'd be more embarrassed that I cried in an Econoline van on reality television without alcohol as an excuse - and as a MAN.
At the date party, Jerry Maguire continues his reign of one line terrors, and calls Emily his future trophy wife. But, being a jock-ass isn't enough to deter Emily though. They spend time cuddling on patio furniture, and Jerry Maguire lets Emily know he has high expectations for her. Direct quote: "As the bachelorette she's been given a lot of responsibility, and I want to see her do a lot with it." He is somehow alluding to how young girls will look up to Emily. Is there a reality TV Barbie? Emily admits that something about him is off and he is rude and pompous, but still she keeps him, because she is a girl, and girls love assholes.
emily maynard
Arie steals Emily away, so they can cuddle and make out under a crocheted rug. They look deeply into each other's eyes and talk about their connection, because this is what people do in 7th hour they have known a person. 
Jef with one F is up next. He holds out on a kiss, but tells Emily when he thinks about her, he likes her. So, in addition to girls liking assholes, we learn that girls like when guys play hard to get, because Emily give Jef with one F the date rose. 

Wolf and Nate have the dreaded 2-on-1 date where one of the guys won't make it out alive. The group goes cliff jumping, and then head off for dinner in a cave where all 3 share the same side of the booth, making the date even more awkward.
John Wolfner, Emily Maynard, and Nate Bakke in The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 4

When the food arrives, Nate flexes his culinary chops, and declares: "Is this "Kin-o-a? I think it's Kin-o-a. You guys like Kin-o-a? It's a very good fiber." Sorry Nate it is "Keen-wah". If you are trying to wow a woman with your food pyramid knowledge, at least be able to say it - and talking about fiber on a first date is about as hot as telling a woman you have athlete's foot. 
To ease the double date awkwardness, Emily takes Nate aside for some alone time. Under the stalagmites, Nate begins to tear up talking about his parents love and rock solid marriage. I am not sure what is about this show, but will someone please tell these guys that crying on the first date does not make you look in touch with your emotions, it makes you like a pansy. 
Emily then talks with Wolf. She says she likes Wolf's confidence, and that he "is who he is". Em, we're talking about a man who refers to himself as an animal in quotations and uses wolf metaphors: “I don’t have to float in the middle of the pack." 
Finally, Nate gets the boot, because Emily does not see herself with a wimp in a Don Johnson pink shirt and a white blazer.

The thunder rolls in just in time for the drama of the rose ceremony. Two men will not be making it out alive. Emily wears a white jumpsuit styled with far too many baubles from the Bermuda flea market and a cheap phony pony. 
emily maynard's white one shouldered jumpsuit
This rose ceremony is epic. We see Daddy Doug and Littlefoot have a pissing match over who is the more mature man. Littlefoot says it is not the years you've lived but the moments that shape your life that mature you. I swear these guys pour through high school yearbooks to come up with this crap. 
Also at the rose ceremony, Jerry Maguire continues to be a high school bully. He sits by the fire stroking Mike's ponytail talking about how he has an "in" with the media at home - home being Augusta, GA - home to a bunch of rednecks, Walmarts, Fatz Cafes, and one fancy weekend out of the year at The Masters. I would love to see a local version of the Bachelor based in Augusta. Jerry Maguire reveals that he really came on the show to be the next "Bachelor Ryan". Which would actually be kind of awesome for the insulting lines alone. If Mike were a real man and wasn't too busy brushing his hair 100 strokes a day, he would have told Emily Ryan's "real intentions".
And the thunder rolls just in time for Chris Harrison to pull Emily away to the deliberation room. I was so excited we got to finally see the lineup of framed pictures - please note the beachy rattan frames. Great set design, ABC. 
In the end, Emily sent Charlie and Mike home. Charlie cried AGAIN and Mike brushed off the rejection knowing his luscious locks have bigger dreams to catch. 

Emily Maynard Toasts Her Guys in The Bachelorette Episode 4 Rose Ceremony in Bermuda
Off to LONDON!

1 comment:

  1. Have you seen this bachelor parody?? Amazing.