Dreams Do Come True

I wish someone had warned me that the Bachelorette would be 2 hours every week. I thought the first couple episodes was a 'getting to know the guys' thing, but no luck. This has truly become a labor of love.  

"Littlefoot, go past the mountain that looks like a Longneck and there you will find the Great Valley of dating."

Emily's first solo date was with Little Foot. She kept telling him how good looking he is. Does he look like a different person in real life? Because there is no way she is knocked over by his close-set eyes. The date was a pretty standard first date - strap yourselves into a harnesses, scale a 50 story building in a lightning storm, eat dinner and talk about marriage and babies, and have a "private" concert in a parking lot. At dinner, Emily pinned the rose to Chris' really manly baby blue henley, and the couple was off to a Charlotte parking lot to listen to country crooner, Luke Bryan, while the city watched from behind a barricade. It's here the date officially became my worst nightmare (yes, I am afraid of heights, but the entertainment took this date to new lows) as Luke Bryan sang the deep lyrics "girl you make my heart go boom, boom/dancing on the tailgate in the full moon/that kind of thing makes a man go 'mhmmm". Chris swooped in to give Emily a kiss just in time for Luke to begin his painful ballad. And the crowd went wild.

At the end of their date, Emily exclaimed: "I've never had a date like this". Oh really Emily, you haven't climbed a building to eat dinner on a rooftop, and then danced to a country singer with half your city watching you? Wow, you haven't lived.
While Emily and Littlefoot were repelling, the other guys got their date box. Tony Prince Charming got a lot of face time when the date card was announced. In reality television this is usually an indicator of that person being booted or getting the top prize. My hopes were pinned on him getting booted. 
The next day all the guys, except Kalon and Arie, meet Emily at a park. She has a football and a soccer ball for them, because dudes dig that sports stuff. Jerry Maguire sees Emily with the football and jumps on the opportunity to show off his skills, while Doug and Sean sit in the corner talking about how they don't aggressively talk to women. Travis brought is his egg, now named Shelly, and Music Mike from Austin sported a sporty half pony tail. And they're one big happy family. 

Mike, stop it with mid-head ponytails

Emily walks away for a moment leaving the guys freaking out over her absence. She returns and brings in her friends to size up the men. I bet her friends were as disappointed as I was in her pickings. Really America, this is the best you can do for women? 
The guys brought their A-game to impress Emily's friends, and of course Stevie O'Shea broke out the pop and lock. Sean didn't get a date last week, so it was good to finally meet him. And while he is scared to talk to women, he seems squeaky clean and pretty genuine. He was so nervous talking to Emily's friends, but seemed to ease up once they made him take off his shirt and do push ups (you think i'm joking, but this here is the truth) 

Just another day in the park.

One of the girls liked him so much, I think she will leave her husband for Sean if Emily dumps him. 
The dates gets even dreamier for the guys when Emily unleashes a herd of kids on them. Ryan, bored with the rug rats, interrupts girl talk and fumble big time in front of Emily's friends when he confesses that he wouldn't be attracted to her anymore if she got fat. I believe the direct quote was: "I'd still love her, but not love on her". Good work, Ryan. At the end of the play date, Sean got all the girls' votes. 
Emily then takes "her boys" to a cocktail party in Charlotte. Daddy Doug shares with Emily that he grew up in the foster care system and has a overcome a lot to make something of his life and be a contestant on the Bachelorette. But, Emily's time is taken by Tony Prince Charming who got choked up with crocodile tears talking about how much he misses his son. (He misses him so much he forgot to wear a shirt under his sweater.) They dragged out his scenes way too long. I wish I could tell you more about what he said, but I had to fast forward.

Prince Charming's plan seemed to backfire big time, because while he got more one one one time with Emily, she took this opportunity to DUMP him! It was insanely awesome. After Emily kicked the dead weight, Sweet Sean got the rose for the date, and Daddy Doug was pissed. 
Arie got the next one-on-one date. I was looking forward to this one, because I think Arie is best catch thus far. The couple goes to Doooooollywoooood! If you live in the south, you have seen the ads for the crown jewel of Pigeon Forge, TN. Christmas in Dollywood commercials are some of my favorites. This date was genius. But really, how can Emily say this is her favorite place, but have never been on a roller coaster? That is like saying you love bakeries, but have never tried a cupcake. 
The couple spends the day dancing to 3-piece jug bands and eating cotton candy. The producers then surprise Emily with a private show by Dolly Parton. Dolly wrote a special song about finding lasting love in 6 weeks on a reality television show while Arie and Emily awkwardly danced.

After their concert, the couple makes out on the carousel, and Emily is totally smitten by Arie. Winn-ah, Winn-ah, Winn-ah!

At the rose ceremony, Emily pulls Kalon aside since he didn't get a date this week. She calls Kalon a "genuine guy". I could not think of a more pretentious, non-genuine person. He cuts Emily of when she is talking, and Emily is not impressed. She coined my favorite line of the night: "I like tall, skinny and funny, but not tall, skinny and condescending". Luckily his helicopter arrival is still awing Emily and Kalon got to stay. 

Emily's friends wisely told Travis to get rid of his ostrich egg, Shelly. So he had Emily ceremoniously smash it. I wish this meant she she smashed Travis and his faux hawk's dreams of being her husband, but I'll take the baby steps.

RIP Shelly

Alessandro or Alejandro not sure which, got sent home for calling Emily's daughter a "compromise". Luckily, Arie was there to kiss away her tears. The guys saw it and freaked out. Ryan "never saw himself competing against a guy like Arie" calling him a "dainty man". I love this high school jock mentality. I bet Ryan put a lot of scrawny kids in their lockers and then chest bumped his dude friends wearing letterman jackets. 

Stevie ended up being the only guy eliminated in the rose ceremony, and I couldn't be happier. I am sure there is a Snooki at one of the bat mitzahs you DJ that will love you, Stevie.