Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Bachelor Recap: Tierra Loses Her Sparkle

Last date before hometowns. Eeek! The women be freakin'!
Sean "breaks the rules again" (what a naughty devout Christian bad boy) and has the group fly together to St. Croix, the next stop on Sean's quest for a wife. 
The girls settle in, and Tierra can't handle sharing a bed with any of the other girls, so she sets up a roll away in hallway. What a martyr. 

Des rushes in to the room with the date card. It is the first one-on-one and it goes to AshLee, so she can talk about adoption with Sean. Tierra, in her jealousy, sings a parody of "The Boys Are BAck In Town", but replaces "boys" with Cougar, because she is creative enough to point out that Ashlee is in her 30's and single, unlike 24 year old Tierra that thinks she can score a TV career from this needs to be married. 
AshLee's date card reads: Let's get carried away. And AshLee lets us know that she always gets carried away with Sean, whether it is physically or emotionally. This girl is all about those emotions (and adoption).  
Sean meets AshLee on the beach in front of a catamaran. He says "ever since AshLee let me lead her blindfolded, I've seen a whole new side of her". Did he not see the crazy loon that we all saw? 

As they swim out to the boat, a voice over of AshLee talks about abandonment issues and being adopted. It took all of 2 minutes into the date before we heard about foster care. Buzz Kill... 
When the catamaran docks, they jump off into the water in what has become a signature shot of The Bachelor. 
When they are cuddled up on the beach, Sean asks AshLee about Tierra, because every girl likes to talk about another woman on a date. Smooth move, Rico. AshLee takes the bait and reveals that Tierra sleeps on a cot and breathes over them as they sleep.
This turns Sean on, and they make out in the surf like it's an Eternity ad. 
Then make out in the water
At the Buccaneer Hotel, the next one-on-one date card comes, and it's finally for Tierra. ABC Sean has planned a day exploring the streets of St. Croix. Tierra is pissed that she will have to deal with "small bugs and her makeup melting off". She complains to the girls that she wishes she had a better date, because she loves boating. The girls roll their eyes, because everything Tierra does makes them roll their eyes. 
The sun has set, and it's boozy romantic time for AshLee and Sean. He's chosen his purple-maroon v-neck for the occasion. Sean asks AshLee what other skeletons are in her closet before he meets her family. And low and behold, it isn't just foster kids and adoption papers for AshLee, she has one more confession for him about her troubled past. AshLee furrows her brow the best way her botoxed forehead can and skirts around spilling the beans building up the tension. Finally she tears up and tells Sean she was married at 17 as a high school junior. She built it up as though she got Hep C from a tattoo shop or has a secret a 15 year old child. 

It's kind of amazing to see Sean initial reaction where he says, "So you were a married high school junior?!?" You can see his head reeling of all the innocent choir practice he was attending as a junior while this chick was getting married. But, he regains his composure and tells her it's no big deal (but deep down, we know it is). Sean kisses her fears away by their bonfire on the beach. 
Once the divorce is swept under the rug, the date goes to the next level. The couple feels so passionately about each other they scream at the top of their lungs that they "LOVE ST. CROIX!" and then AshLee gets wild and screams that she "LOVES SEAN!". What a one upper. 
 It's time for Tierra's date, and she meets Sean in town (you know she's pissed he didn't pick her up in a helicopter). Tierra prances in like a redneck who says "pity" for "petty", wearing a tie top, jorts and 8in wedges. She complains to the camera about the weather and how thirsty she is. I think what Tierra really wants is another cheeseburger.
Sean takes Tierra shopping which is her favorite thing to do, and she loads up on all the local market crap. They get matching shark tooth necklaces, and I officially lose any respect they may have lingered for Sean. 
A Carnival parade comes down the street, and Sean and Tierra bump and grind to the beats. Sean is smitten with her personality, because if we have learned anything about Sean this season, it is that he likes his dates to be fun loving and do embarrassing things that would never be required of someone when dating. 
The date takes a serious turn when they sit on city steps eating a sno-cones. Sean asks Tierra about the girls and she says they are jealous. Because girls only hate other people when they are jealous, not because someone might be bat shit. 
Sean seems to have bought the jealous card. Not sure why or how, because it is a proven fact that no girl is ever jealous of the fattest girl in a house. They have a romantic dinner in an old sugar mill. Tierra hasn't had enough drama on her date, so she calls Sean out for being "distant" on their shopping date. Sean says that the drama in the house may be holding him back. The Tierra-erist rages inside.  
Back at the house of besties, Catherine, Desiree and Lindsey get a group date, leaving the one-on-one for Lesley. 
Tierra and Sean move down towards the beach where Tierra tells Sean she is falling for him. Little does she know that just 24 hours ago, AshLee was shouting her love from the very same beach. 
At 4:42 in the morning, Sean shows up for the group date surprising the girls, because he wants to see them makeup free. he very kindly takes their pictures moments after waking them from a deep sleep. Tell me again why these girls like this guy...  
Sean takes the girls to lookout point to watch the sunrise. This spot is the furthest east point in the United States, so they are the first people in the US to watch the sunrise, which I actually think is pretty cool. As the sun rises, they toast mimosas and start the adventure road trip part of their date. Sean has planned a day touring the island from one end to the other. 

First stop, the sugar mill where he just ate dinner with Tierra. Is Sean sick and twisted? The rest of the stops involve various tourist destinations that even the most Clark Griswold of dads wouldn't require of his family. Personally, this seems like the lamest date in history. 
While touring a treehouse, Des and Sean are hitting it off swinging together leaving Catherine and Lindsey in the dust. 
Des yells "Shotgun!" first, and gets to sit up front with Sean. They chat in the front seat of the jeep and Lindsey and Catherine get jealous (again). The road trip part of the date ends, and they arrive at the beach to watch the sunset. Lindsey and Sean do Dirty Dancing catches in the sand, because Lindsey is so SILLY. Oh my god, tee hee, can you believe she was the girl in the wedding dress at the first rose ceremony? tee-hee tee-hee. She's come so far. 
Sean, being the most intuitive man on earth, can tell something is on Catherine's mind. And he's right. She hasn't told him that her dad would not be at her hometown visit. We thought a tree falling on a camp girl was her big, dark secret, but it is actually that her dad tried to attempt suicide in front of her when she was 14. Then they see a dolphin and the tension is broken. 
At the Buccaneer, Tierra overhears AshLee and Lesley talking about her, and Tierra puts together the pieces that AshLee told Sean she is a psycho, thus creating a distance between her and Sean. Be scared, Ash, be very scared. 
Des tears up talking about how much she loves her family. You can tell she thinks her tears make her a shoe-in for the group date rose, but Sean shocks us all and gives the rose to Lindsey. Des is SHOCKED. 
 As a group they walk along the beach, and Des's pigeon-toed stride makes this activity look even worse than walking around an abandoned sugar mill. 
Sean meets Lesley for their one on one. Sean says the kiss-of-death line "our relationship is not where it needs to be right now". Yet somehow, Lesley is falling in love with Sean. They walk around their own "secret garden" stopping to make out. Lesley chickens out on telling Sean she loves him, maybe because she doesn't actually love him after.3.dates!
Sean notices her nerves, because he is the most intuitive man on earth. As they walk hand in hand, we know Lesley is outta here. It doesn't appear that Sean and Lesley had sexy romance time.. either that or it was so boring it got edited out.
Sean's sister comes to help him out with his decision. Sisterly advice: "Don't end up with the girl, no one likes." Good advice, sis. 
 While Sean is talking to his sister, Tierra confronts AshLee. In her confessional, she defends herself saying, "Girls are jealous. Men love me." and then makes fun of AshLee's age again. 
AshLee makes some comment about the looks Tierra gives the girls and Tierra defends herself saying she can't control her eyebrows. She then drops some of the best one liners in the season talking about how her parents advice before going on the show was, "Tierra, you have a sparkle. Don't let those girls make you lose her sparkle". Suddenly, I'm rooting for a Tierra hometown date. 

In the midst of their fight, Sean goes to the house to get Tierra to meet his sister. Sean walks in and finds Tierra crying with no tears.. again! She turns it on saying she has such a big heart and she's scared of the process and gives him her creepy smile. 
She says that she can't stop thinking about the distance between them on her date. 
Sean goes outside to pace and look pensive. He returns to the house to tell Tierra he wanted to introduce her to his sister, and she launches into more crying with no tears. Then Sean drops the bomb that he is finally sending Tierra home. Thank God!
Tierra gets in the car bawling saying "I can't believe they did this to me". And then the Greatest exit Line in Bachelor History: "I told myself going into here, nobody will take my sparkle away."
At the rose ceremony, Sean decides to skip the cocktail party, because his decision is made - see ya Les. The producers create drama by making AshLee think she is out for telling Sean Tierra is crazy. She says she only did this, because she is adopted and how she feels she needs to protect people. I do not kid, she managed to bring up adoption again. 
The Final Rose comes down to AshLee and Lesley.
OUT: Lesley, but the drama didn't end there. 
AshLee says getting the rose means she can trust. Just like the blindfolding meant she could trust and the reaction to her confession meant she could trust and Sean looking at her on a group date meant she can trust.
At the end, Catherine has a breakdown about Lesley leaving, because if he doesn't want Lesley, why does he want her? This "rocks her whole belief system about what he wants". Come again, Cath? 


  1. These are so good. I loathe The Bachelor (see a recent Black Laser post), but these recaps are so spot-on that I keep coming back for more. Excellent.

  2. I could not have said that better myself. I really enjoy FontyFest from time to time but had not read a Bach update till today. It made my afternoon, this is hilarious. Thank you Melissa, thank you.