Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bachelor Recap: Hearts Cold Like Ice

I thought tonight's episode was only an hour, because it started at 9, but oh no. It was still 2 hours. I was just up really late. I was also very irritated that it interrupted my DVR of Smash & The Mindy Project. Mindy got sacrificed, because Mr. Fonty will actually watch that one with me, so I taped it on his DVR. Let's hope one of his nerdy science shows doesn't bump it. ABC, let's not do a 2-night event ever again. 

The group travels to the freezing tundra of the Canadian Rockies, and you can see the irritation in the girls' faces that they continue to be heavily clothed and can't let their ta-tas hang out. 
For a second episode in a row, we get Sean in a (two-tone) henley instead of shirtless. He does a lot of private exploring while looking pensively out to the lake thinking about his future wife. 
The girls settle in at the well-plugged Fairmont, which really is quite breathtaking. 
Lindsey brings in the date card. Daniella thinks she is a shoe-in for the one-on-one, because she has cried to Sean about how she hasn't gotten one yet. 
But, shock and awe, the date card goes to Catherine - who also hasn't had a one-on-one, but hasn't complained, so it wasn't a major plot line.  Daniella cries.
Catherine's date starts with her wearing a thin jersey sweater waiting for Sean on the arctic tundra. This looks like a terrible start to a date. 
And then the date gets even worse. Sean arrives in a Snow Bus. He is driving it and making Dad jokes on the loudspeaker. We see here, as if we didn't know before, that Sean is a huge loser. 
They go out and play on a glacier in whipping wind getting pelted with snow all while wearing onesie snowsuits. Catherine is a great sport. 
Oh, but, my friends, her snow play date has paid off. For the boozy romance part of the date Sean picks Catherine up in a horse drawn carriage and takes her to an ice castle built just for ABC them. Complete with roses frozen in ice pillars. It is just like another of my favorite magical fairy tales, Beauty and the Beast. 
Personally, after a day in the freezing cold, I would have wanted to sit by a fire not in a block of ice, but not Catherine. She "never gets cold when (she is) with him". She is a step ahead of Tierra, because based on the 600 previews we have seen, Sean's love alone can't keep Tierra warm. 

At the Fairmont, the group date card arrives for: Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsey, Selma, Lesley, & Daniella. Des is so giddy with excitement that she has the one-on-one, she does a really poor job of feigning sympathy for Daniella, who still has not had on-on-one time. 
Things get serious back at the Ice Castle when Catherine shares that when she at summer camp at 12, a tree fell on a girl walking in front of her, killing her. Catherine explains this has taught her to live life to the fullest, and tell guys she "likes the beef". Sean is so touch by her beef comment story, that he gives her the rose, and they make out under a fur throw on an ice couch. Sean declares that Catherine has melted his heart - I am not sure if this is just an ice castle pun or if Sean thinks he is a cold-hearted Prince Charming who needed a princess to break the spell on his heart. These girls are rubbing off on him. 
The next day, it is time for the group date. AshLee breaks into sprint to be the first to hug Sean. She's not letting Selma wraps her silicon boobs and legs around her man again. The girls see three canoes and all have PTSD flashbacks remembering the Montana Wilderness Jamboree. They quickly count that one girl will get to ride with Sean, and Lesley jumps at the opportunity. Selma bashes her in a confessional even though she would have done the exact same thing except with her legs in a Sean bear hug. 
Always full of surprises, Sean has the girls participating in a Polar Bear Plunge. The girls have to submerge their heads to complete the task. You can see AshLee freaking out about ruining her hair. 
Selma decides to sit this one out saying, "call me a princess, I don't care". Actually, Selma, that's exactly what you want us to call you.  
The girls strip down to their bikinis and head towards the icy water. 
Tierra's bikini is exactly what I would have picked out for her. A pink Disco ball only seen on house booty dancers at Senor Frogs. That body should be wearing one of those knee length speedos Missy Franklin wore at the Olympics. 
AshLee begrudgingly does the plunge despite Selma trying to talk her into the boring dark side.  According to AshLee, doing the plunge makes her emotionally vulnerable, because "no one in (her) life has made her want to do something for them." Wow, guess we know who gets the selfish award of the group.
The water must have been laced with LSD, because they all came out acting like they just had a religious experience. 
Tierra claims she can't breathe and requires EMT support (again) Sean barely reacts while Lesley cuddles up to him. 
Tierra's dramatics live up to the preview hype. It is hysterical and so put on. I wonder if she knew she had all that mascara running down her face and wanted it for dramatic effect or if she was pissed she forgot the waterproof that day. I'm guessing she's glad, because Tierra commits to the role.
Tierra is taken to the hotel to drink hot cider and put on some Totes Toasties. As she comes to, Tierra croaks, barely able to contain her smile through her 2-year old pouting lip: "Missed.time.with.him". It's the fakest BS I have ever seen. But, I hope this picture lives on well beyond Tierra's Bachelor days. 
Seeing Tierra, Des and Catherine are nervous that everyone is in such bad shape, but the rest of the girls come back hooting and hollering still enjoying their buzz. As the girls complain about Tierra, the camera flashes to her downing a cheeseburger in bed with an oxygen hookup.. like that ass needs another cheeseburger... 
Sean comes to the hotel to see Tierra and tell her to rest up and skip the date. The girls freak and Tierra cackles inside that her plan worked. 
Lesley spills love cliches and tells Sean (who is wearing another unbuttoned henley) she has feelings for him. He eats it up hook, line, and sinker. 
Sarah is up next showing her cards really early. She shares pictures of her family and growing up. Sarah launches into how she wants him to meet her family, which becomes her kiss of death. 
Sitting in bed, having finished all the cheeseburgers room service has to offer, Tierra decides to head to the buffet party to get more food. She gets dressed and highlights her blue lips with frosty lipstick - or maybe she just likes 90's lip shades that match her disco-kini.  
As all the girls are talking about how much they hate Tierra she enters the party. Sean walks in and whisks her away. The girls freak and AshLee just might have a coronary. Finding the humor in it, Lesley coins the phrase "Tierra-rist" which is amazing.
While Sean is talking to Tierra, Lindsey comes and interrupts. She walks him out to the hot tub to make out. When they return from kissing in a tree, it's time to give out the date rose, and it goes to Lesley. Tierra's rage is palpable. 
The girls settle in back at the hotel, but Sean surprises them by stopping by. He is here to send someone home. dun dun dunnnnnn. Sean pulls Sarah aside to tell her she's a bad kisser and he needs to break up with her by watching her cry and then putting her in a limo. Sarah, you're better off without a man who wears a down vest under a blazer over a sweater, over his favorite henley. 
Sarah really is so endearing, it is hard to watch. I think she may actually be someone that came here to fall in love. A purist in the reality world. I hope you're looking at this, Tierra. 
After the drama, it's time for Des' date. 
Sean and Des walk along a wooded path which looks very difficult for Des, because she is super pigeon toed. She must have a lot of thigh chafing. (this picture does not do it justice)
They reach the top of a mountain and Sean tells Des they are going to repel down the mountain to a picnic. Sean thinks repelling is a metaphor for their relationship. 
Des is terrified  but as she gets her groove on, she too gets in the spirit and relates their adventure to their blossoming relationship. 
Des is, like, so fun and so wild and crazy. (This is what she would say when she is showering herself with compliments. Des' favorite activity) She challenges Sean to a tree climbing challenge and they climb a tree to each other's hearts. 
I've got a bone to pick with Des (aside from how overly confident her ego is). Des acts all innocent, but I am hip to her game. She pretended to be "questioning her feelings for Sean" in Montana, when in reality, last episode she made comments about how Sean seems to give roses to girls who are struggling with the "process". And look at this, who gets the one-on-one after pretending to be upset? Des. She is just as manipulative as Tierra. I've got my eye on you, Sneaky.
(I notice there are 40 minutes left at this point. I have no idea what drama is left to unfold at the rose ceremony.)
After climbing a tree and making out, Sean and Des arrive in a teepee that perfectly fits a couch where they can make out some more. However, if it were me, I could never kiss a guy who borrowed a sweater from my closet. No matter how cold it was. 
Des loves tooting her own horn - Sean: "You are so positive." Des: "I knoooooooow!" She then goes on to talk about her poor upbringing and how they had to live in tents. She refers to herself as sooooo humble about 6 times. Hey, Des, the least humble thing is to call yourself "so humble".
Sean is smitten with Des' answers about growing old with her best friend, and he gives her a rose. 
Then the drama kicks up for the rose ceremony.
Selma lets us know that despite her mother's reputation and shaming her family, she is going to kiss Sean tonight. She "has to bring out the big guns". Umm... I think they are already out, Selma...
Lindsey gets her alone time with Sean and is super annoying and.... tee-hee tee-hee... tries not to kiss Sean tee-hee... tee-hee. it's soooooooo hard.... tee-hee. I'm Lindsey and I am so SILLY tee-hee tee-hee. 
AshLee, who is slowly becoming the strangest not clinically insane contestant in Bachelor History, brings a grey blindfold for Sean to blindfold her. She drops about 30 cliches about love and vulnerability, but my favorite is how the blindfold signifies Sean leading her into their future. They walk around the lobby and then Sean carries her over the threshold to the Loony Bin. 
I am having flashbacks to the weird 50 Shades of Grey girl from the premier. AshLee is a officially a (control) freak. 
Only 3 roses up which means 2 girls are going home. What is Tierra wearing? The front of her dress was eaten by the raccoon she then skinned and is wearing around her neck. 

Final Rose is down to: Tierra, Selma, & Daniella
out: Daniella & Selma
Guess that kiss wasn't enough Selma. Should have gone for the motorboat. 

1 comment:

  1. This was your best one yet. Hilarious.