Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bachelor Recap: Take Me Home Tonight

Well, kids, the episode we have all been waiting for is finally here - Hometown Dates! Someone's family member always botches the groundwork paved in sugar and flowers that the girls lay all season.    
The first hometown date of the week is AshLee. We travel to Houston, TX to meet the people who adopted her and hear her cry about trust issues and opening herself up. 
In the first shot of Ashlee, she is looking waif-ish wearing leggings as pants and has a plaid shirt tied while she walks her yorkie. I know this kind of girl, and I despise her. Because she is the most boring contestant of all time, AshLee has planned a super boring "fun" portion of the hometown. She took a page right out of ABC's book and planned a picnic in the park, only this picnic is on a tiny blanket and instead of repelling, they sit and discuss foster children. 
As AshLee talks about how she has never known love like this before - after 3 dates - Sean talks about how much she loves him while wearing a navy blue henley under a plaid shirt, under a jacket. This is Houston. There is no way it is that cold.
They discuss their families, and somehow in the 9 hours they have spent in total together, it doesn't come up that they both has pastors for fathers.
However, I can't concentrate on what they are talking about, because Ashlee has a huge smudge of black makeup on her nose. Where are the organization skills now, Ash? Re-watching this will probably send her into an OCD tailspin. 
After the picnic of broken childhood is over, they head to AshLee's parents house, a day she has been "waiting for since she was 4 years old". Just like every other American white girl, her Barbies met Ken on a national television show and got engaged with a sponsored ring 4 dates after meeting. 
AshLee's parents have a dining table set up in the yard. It does not appear to be lawn furniture, so I am pretty sure they have moved their kitchen table outside for ambiance. Luckily Sean wore 8 layers. 
AshLee's parents ask about where they have gone on their extravagant dates of love. AshLee gets overly-emotional giving deep meaning to the polar bear lunge - she went under water adn washed away all her abandonment issues. They then talk about St. Croix and AshLee describes all the "romance" in St. Croix.Her mother is visibly uncomfrotable and may denounce Jesus, so she can strangle Sean as they dine al fresco.
AshLee’s mom pulls Sean aside to find his intentions - her words, not mine. As everything with AshLee, the conversation quickly turns to foster homes. Next up to grill Sean is Ashlee's dad. Sean asks for her hand, and gets the okay, but not before he is told that AshLee’s dad will hunt him down if he does not pick her. Sean take a turn grilling AshLee's dad, and asks how he could be such a crazy loon to sign off on the marriage of 17 year old girl. AshLee's dad doesn't have a very good answer, but it still appeases Sean. As Sean leaves, the couple make some more romance outside her parents’ house.
The next trip is to Seattle to see Catherine. They meet at Pike Place Market, and within 30 seconds, this date is already more exciting than AshLee’s picnic. They hug and kiss as fat tourists stand behind them and take pictures. 
They each take a turn catching fish like it's the opening to Real World: Seattle. Catherine has a one arm grab which is way cooler than what Sean did. 
Sean says he never has to worry about being "the cool guy" in front of Catherine. So, just for the record, Sean, when you were swinging with Des and screaming "I LOVE ST. CROIX" with AshLee, this was you being a "cool guy". This explains a lot.
Catherine takes Sean to the house of estrogen to meet her grandmother, mom, and 2 sisters. 
To earn their approval, Catherine has her puppy Sean do her favorite trick - lift the little lady push ups. Her grandma suddenly can see the American dream she had for her children when she immigrated from the Philippines.
Catherine has some private time with her sisters, and they completely call her out for this whole "process" being a bunch of bull and elude to it all being a big joke for Catherine before she left. Suddenly, Catherine is getting more and more normal.
Sean talks to Catherine's sisters, and it's as if they have read a book entitled Things Not To Say To The Bachelor, and then said them all. Her older sister must hate her, because she not only tells Sean that Catherine doesn't want kids anytime soon, and she only dates guys until the fun wears off, she then goes on to say she is messy and severely moody.
After a horrible talk with her sisters, Sean pulls her mom aside to ask for Catherine's hand. She beats around the bush, and manages to not give her blessing at the end of this "adventure".
After Catherine's bungalow of women, Sean heads to the complete opposite, and meets Lindsey in Fort Leonard Wood, MO to recharge his testosterone. Lindsey greets him in town where they go to "like, the funniest antique shop. tee-hee, tee-hee. It's, like, this hoooouse. tee-hee" Great date Lindsey. 
She says she can see herself settling down in Fort Leonard Wood, even though she has admitted she only lived in this city for 6 months after graduating college. Deep roots, Linds. At the cupcake shop, Sean grills Lindsey on what to call her dad, and she she says she "doesn't knoooowwww". So, Lindsey has never introduced anyone to her father? I'm starting to think this whole three-star general father thing is just a rouse. 
After giggling over cupcakes, Lindsey makes Sean get "army strong", and, because it seems to be every girl's favorite party favor, Lindsey has Sean do lift the little lady push ups. 
They head to her parents house where Sean meets Lindsey's mom, dad, and awkward teenage brother. Her dad hugs her like she is a distant niece, and I am fully convinced that she has never met this man she hired for intimidation purposes. 
Sean shares a beer with 'the general', and asks for his blessing. In a long winded make you wait for it response, Sean craps his pants Lindsey's dad finally says yes.
And then it is time for the hometown date we've been getting previews of for months, meeting in Desiree in LA. Sean has chosen his navy two-tone henley for meet the parents day. Desiree walks pigeon toed up Runyon Canyon to meet Sean for a hike aka "just a normal Saturday". When they see each other, they break into a sprint for a dramatic hug-lift. 
They make out on a bench on their hike, because making out in public is how Des sees a normal Saturday. 
After the hike, Des brings Sean, now in a dark grey henley, back to her house and shows him her heinous 3-D art. She tells Sean she made all the art herself, as if we thought anyone would buy these. 
There’s a knock at the door, and as scripted, Des’ ex-boyfriend shows up. She opens the door revealing her business in the front, slashed party in the back shirt. 
The bad acting is a scene straight out of Saved by the Bell. After this guy tells Des he loves her, it cuts to commercial leaving the Biggest Cliff Hanger in Bachelor History. When it comes back from commercial, there is a split second of tension, and then the light-hearted music begins, and we all know it is just a joke. That crazy Des! It was her payback for the uber lame art prank. Sadly, the only one who loses on this is that terrible actor who will surely never be getting another job.
Sean has his hand on Des' butt when they hear another knock on the door. 
And this time, it really is her parents who are quite possibly the nerdiest parents of all time. 
The skeptic in the house, Des' bother, steals her away to talk. Des tells him that she is totally Sean's favorite in the house, obvi. Her brother borrows grammar from Tierra’s book, and tells her “not to fall for nobody”. So with that double negative, Nate, you are telling her to fall for Sean, correct? Once he finishes grilling Des, Nate asks to “holler” at Sean. (How those two nerds produced a thug is beyond me) Her brother says Sean is not as into Des as she is into him. it becomes a pissing contest on how much affection Sean shows Des which seems like a strange conversation to have with someone's brother. They then sit in silence until Nate cuts the tension by slinging more insults and calls Sean a playboy. Anyone who has seen the "Virgin Bachelor" US Weekly knows this isn't ture.  Nate flexes his forearm, so Sean can see his hard as nails cross tattoo - there's more than one lover of the cross in this house, Sean. 
When Sean and Nate return to the table, Des can sense that her man is in distress. Her family tries to lighten the mood by talking about every nerd's favorite topic, the weather. The camera flashes to another shot of Nate's tattoos. be afraid Sean, be very afraid.  Des apologizes for Nate's behavior and kisses sean goodbye. 
All the girls return back to Los Angeles for the Rose Ceremony. Finally, we are treated to more shirtless shots of Sean, because this season is Skinemax for bored single women. 
Sean ponders his future as the sun sets. He tells the camera he has the A team picked out - Lindsey & AshLee, but 2 girls are tied for last place. Des is on the chopping block, because she has an a-hole for a brother, and Catherine is questionable, because Sean says she has a lot of dreams and is not ready to quit her job and be the pastor's wife.
The ladies line up and Sean grabs the first rose as the dramatic music begins. Des feels the tension and cries out that she needs to talk. 
Catherine voices her fears to the camera, that her ta-tas hanging out may not be enough to overcome being called moody and messy. She fears Des may have the upper hand now that she has talked to Sean. 
Sean and Des return, and the dramatic music begins again. AshLee & Lindsey are given roses and then it is down to who will win last place. Nothing like being told exactly where you stack up behind other women in the eyes of a man that in one week could be down on one knee proposing.
And, just when we think he’s made a decision, Sean puts down the rose and leaves the room to do some rogue pondering. He stares at the framed pictures of the girls willing them to give him an answer. Chris Harrison enters for some guidance. Chris’ wise advice is “Get this right”, and now we know why he has hosted this show for 11 years.
Sean returns and hands out the final rose to Catherine. Pretty sure, someone should get professional protection for Des' brother. That woman will be out for blood.
As they walk out, Des tells Sean he is making a mistake, because she is his favorite. Sean tells her he didn’t see her in his prayers. (That line lets me know you dodged a bullet, Des) Like always, Des begins tooting her own horn again, and talks about how people take her for granted because she gives so much.
After a 45 minute hug, he finally puts her in a limo. I think I aged a lifetime before he let her go.
Sean pouts in the driveway as Des pulls away. Des tries to milk out a tear in her goodbye speech. She finally gets one, and makes a dramatic scene of wiping it away. This is her final on air audition for the new season of Passions. 

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