Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bachelor Recap: Buffalo Checked Love

This may be THE most shocking opening in Bachelor history. The show begins not with Sean in a various stages of undress, but with Chris Harrison visiting the ladies at their mansion. Chris breaks the news that this week there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded 2-on-1. For those of you not familiar, on a 2-on-1, one of the 2 dates gets a rose and the other is sent packing, immediately. It's all very dramatic and feared. But, C.Harrison isn't just full of bad news, on the upside, they are taking this show on the road. First stop on their WORLD tour: MONTANA! Cheers, claps, and hurkeys abound.
Sean arives in Montana via Seaplane. Since it's chilly in Montana, he's traded his v-neck tees for an unbuttoned henley under a flannel. This can't be comfortable.
As the girls get settled into the Hampton Inn Whitefish Lodge, Selma spots the date card. The girls squeal and scowl as Selma announces that the one-on-one will go to Lindsey. Lindsey weeps tears of joy as she gets dagger eyes from the ladies.
Sean lands a helicopter on the front lawn and the plaid-clad couple embark on their Montana mountain date. Lindsey sees the helicopter, and despite growing up on Army bases, she is unfamiliar with this form of transportation, and needs to ask Sean, "Is that a helicopter?" Sean lets her know, it's not just any helicopter, it's "the most bad ass helicopter". Ooohh, Zing, Mr. Henley Shirt. 
The girls watch from the balcony as the helicopter takes flight with their hearts. I am surprised Des didn't jump. 
Sean tells us he wants to "find out if she can potentially be (his) wife". I'd say having a first date that resembles a mortifying engagement proposal is a great way to see the true colors of a person. 
Please note lindsey's shirt. before the episode is over every girl will have worn it. 

Sean and Lindsey tour Glacier National Park and hold hands in the helicopter. Yep, this is how people find out about their compatibility. The heli lands on top of a mountain in an Indian reservation. A blanket is awaiting them for a picnic makeout sesh. 

After desecrating sacred Indian land, the date moves into a lodge for fireside wine drinking - and Sean changes into a hoodie and purple-y-maroon v-neck. Lindsey talks about being an army brat and continually to a refers to her growing up as her "adolescence". I think the only other place this word is used is in puberty class. 
At the Hampton Inn, the group date card arrives for: Selma, AshLee, Des, Catherine, Sarah, Leslie, Robyn, Daniella. Which leave Tierra and Jackie for the 2-on-1. Tierra is giddy about the 2-on-1 which makes the girls really mad, because everything Tierra does makes the girls mad. 
Once he has gotten all the details on Lindsey's adolescence  Sean tells Lindsey she will be an incredible wife and gives her a rose. But wait, Sean has another surprise up his sleeve. They put on their coats and head to downtown Whitefish for a concert by Sarah Darling - who I would have made fun of if my friend Katie hadn't gotten me hooked on her song last week. And, like a page out of every girl's dream date book, they get on a platform and slow dance among a throng strangers.
I'm having flashbacks to the Emily and creepy Jerry Maguire date all over again. Get a little more creative, Bach. Enjoy this clip from one of said locals:
The next day, Sean has the group date show up for a Strongest Wo-Man competition. I'm starting to notice a Bachelor pattern - isn't this like the Scottish games Emily made the guys play? Do I sound like a Bachelor creep? Look what you've done to me!
Selma has completed her transformation to Disney princess by wearing a Princess jasmine turban, and declaring that she sees her "prince Charming waiting for (her)". 

She runs up and wraps her legs around Sean, subtly telling the women that she and Sean have the best connection. Des dies a little inside. Sean leads the ladies to the obstacle course where yoked goats await. One of the brilliant girls, I'm guessing Daniella, asks if the goats are dogs. Somehow this comment goes unnoticed by the group, probably because they are all thinking it. 
Chris Harrison explains the rules of the old tried and true Montana tradition: The Montana Wilderness Relay Race. Now, how else do people find wives while at summer camp? 
The girls are divided into teams and given coordinating buffalo check shirts that must be issued when you cross the border. At one point in the episode every girl has worn this shirt. 
Red Buffalo Check: Selma, Des, Sarah, Robyn
Blue Buffalo Check: AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine. 
The losing team will go home. dun dun dun... 
The blue team takes and early lead and it is obvious none of there girls spend time outdoors. They spend 10 minutes paddling their canoes into the marsh.
Then the hay running begins, but the Blue team's hay falls apart giving the Red team a chance to catch up. On to the milking of the dog goat.  
Des chugs the milk for all the glory. And the Red Team wins! 
Lesley gets feisty saying "weak people piss me off and losing pisses me off". Tierra may have some competition.
The Blue team is sent home, and it is now the romantic night part of date in "this quaint Montana town" (-Des). Sean, in another unbuttoned henley, is bored with his date options feels guilty about having the blue team disappear, so he calls the losers back. 

The ladies are ecstatic and call on their fairy godmothers to help them get dressed and head to the ball. 
Back at the date, Sean tells the girls he invited the Blue Team, and Des who chugged the goat's milk for this 4 on 1 time is pissed. Robyn, silent but deadly, sit coldly looking like a murderer by fire
Pining at home, Tierra writes her voodoo spells in a journal as she watches the girls depart for their date.

Her journaling gets her fired up, and the scene closes with Tierra putting on her Montana issued buffalo check shirt and Uggs. Tierra says she needs to see Sean to see "where his head's at". Again, with the grammar, Tierra. 
While Sarah is away with Sean, Selma, Robyn and Des get angry talking about what will happen if one of the Blue Team gets a rose. These girls are out for blood. 
Sean is giving a producer prompted  confessional when Tierra comes up and does a creepy guess who.

 They go to a dark park bench, so Tierra can corner Sean on why she is having a 2-on-1. It's very strange since in the last scene she was thrilled. What a minx. Proud of herself, Tierra says she "got a head start on the 2-on-1". She is so annoying. 
And then there were 8...
Robyn is almost in tears at her rage about the Blue team. Des is having private time with Sean when AshLee comes up and breaks them up. AshLee thinks she is the reason Sean called the Blue Team back. He couldn't live without her organization. AshLee says she has a "like, a, soul connection" with Sean. AshLee is "like, falling in love" 
The date card arrives, and Jackie has no idea that while she was silently sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket, Tierra was midnight stealth bombing her. The card ominously reads: "two women, one rose. One stays, one goes." The tension and intrigue of who is getting the boot would have been a lot higher if we didn't get clips of Tierra getting hypothermia on the 2-night Event every commercial break.
On the date, Sean says that every time he sees Catherine, he just wants to "snuggle" with her. I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and say that the vegan who "likes the beef" may like to do more than cuddle. Catherine saddles up on Sean's lap and makes out. 

Daniella comes out to interrupt, but loses her confidence, because she's so drunk she forgot what she was doing she sees Catherine on Sean's lap. Daniella goes back to the girls and starts to cry, probably because she is smashed or because all the other girls can get their hair to look so coiffed and pretty, but her's is always a mess. 
Sean comes back and pulls Daniella aside. She begins crying again, but Sean's soothes her fears and says he still wants to get to know her. Daniella mauls him with a kiss and Sean returns the gesture with some super nasty tongue action. 
Sean comes back to the group and presents the rose to Daniella. Robyn tears up in disdain. She is shocked that not only did she not get the rose, but someone from the enemy team captured the flag it. 
It's time for the 2-on-1. I can barely watch Tierra's smug face for one more second. She keeps referring to Sean as her husband in her squeaky voice with her annoying smile. 
Sean takes the girls horseback riding, and they both think he looks soooooo sexy on a horse. For the duration of their ride, Jackie is about 300 yards behind the others, and Sean is too big of a dork to hold up and wait for her. 

Jackie wants to spill the beans on Tierra. Watch yo'self Jackie. We saw how well drama worked for Casey B... 
Sean and Jackie step away to a picnic blanket, and talk to each other for the first time this season. He asks her every job interviewer favorite question - where do you see yourself in a year? After she tells Sean about her biggest strengths and weaknesses and what she can offer the company, Jackie tells Sean that Tierra was flirting with a cute guy at the airport. They kiss on a picnic blanket in a meadow. 
As the sun goes down, it's time for the romance portion of the date. And nothing says romance like a table for 3 by the fire. The threesome cheers, and the mics magnify the gulping sounds and the awkward silence. 
Sean pulls Tierra aside. He tells the confessional that he sees Tierra's drama. I have hopes that maybe the previews were a trick and Tierra is going home. But, that girl has tricks up her sleeve and wins sympathy points from Sean. Tierra says she is scared bc she has "the biggest heart" and she "just wants to love and be loved back". Tierra tells what is probably a lie about how her old boyfriend died of drug addiction. She says she is afraid to get close to people. That makes sense since she is the most aggressive person in the house. 
Sean returns to the table and says his relationship with Jackie has been slower to develop. maybe because he hasn't talked to her.  He gives Tierra the rose for "opening up" and sends Jackie home. Without the dead weight, Sean has a bonfire and fireworks for Tierra. Tierra gets smug and pretty creepy with her rose, cackling at Jackie having tears in her eyes. Seriously, dateline... 

The girls watch the fireworks from their hotel. Jackie weeps in the limo. 

After commercial, the ladies exit a limo and enter the camp cafeteria for the rose ceremony. 

Tierra says she wants to "punch every one in that room". Des talks about how Jackie was the sweetest person in the house, which causes Tierra storm out of the room. If I were her, I wouldn't storm out so much, the booty/thigh shot is not her best angle. Tierra then gets even crazier and declares she "wishes (she) was a fighter, because (she) would beat the sh*t out of these b*tches."
Robyn confronts Tierra, and puts no stereotypes to rest by declaring "I will make this the Bad Girls Club". 

Tierra calls it "pity sh*t" Does she think pity means petty or is she one of those people who calls their writing instrument a "pin"? Either way... Their confrontation conversation goes nowhere. Sean walks by as Tierra is saying that she "is a Scorpio and (she) will bite. (Her) tail will sting you". 
It was around here I started losing interest and did an online palm reading of my hand. 
Lesley has her one on one with Sean, and all he asks about Tierra. Sean wants specific details about Tierra's craziness, but no one can provide them. Botched opportunity, Les. 
Sean and Chris Harrison have a talk about Tierra. Sean is really down and losing faith in the process. Poor Sean. I bet it's because he didn't get to start the episode shirtless. 
The tense rose ceremony begins and the final rose comes down to Robyn and Des. Like Sean would send Des home. 
Out: Robyn
Robyn goes out talking about Tierra. That may have been your problem, girl. 

Tomorrow, the second half of the two night extravaganza promises to be very dramatic. I hope my brain cells can handle 4 hours of the Bachelor this week. 

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