Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Bachelor Recap: Let's Spend the Night Gabbing Like Besties

For this episode, ABC decided to add live tweets to the bottom of the screen from "The Bachelor Nation". It was an incredible touch to see firsthand the freaks that take this show seriously. 
Tonight on The Bachelor, it is the Fantasy Suite Dates in the gorgeous South of Thailand. We know from the Virgin Bachelor issue of US Weekly there will be no fantasy for these ladies, no matter how hard army brat Lindsey turns the hussy on. 
The show opens with sweeping shots of Thailand and Sean king-of-the-worlding it solo on the edge of the ship. He's then hanging in shades and a tank top, while he recaps his blossoming relationships with all the girls. 
To be honest, I had to fast forward. All these moments were hard enough to watch the first time. Thankfully, I stopped my fast forward in time to get ABC's obligated shirtless Sean time. 
Lindsey is the first date. They hop in the worlds largest side car for a day of Thai adventure. 
First stop, the market where they play with humanely dyed birds and buy lame trinkets. Lindsey tries to pretend that she would rather walk through the market than fly in a helicopter. Because he is an asshole, Sean asks Lindsey to do the one thing she said she wouldn't do - eat a bug. And, because this is a competition for his heart, and on national television you show someone you love them by doing really ridiculous challenges, Lindsey eats said bug - but for the record it was with much hesitation. You know AshLee would have gobbled that puppy down to surrender herself to love and trust in Sean and vulnerability. Lindsey looks like she is going to puke, but that is what love does to you.
Lindsey & Sean sit on the beach and talk about how they are best friends after 5 dates. Sean wills Lindsey to say "I love you", because all the other girls are doing it. She chickens out, so instead they then feed monkeys on the beach in their bathing suits. 
For the boozy romantic part of the date, they head to some Thai carnival garden thing, because on this date Sean was aiming for showing Lindsey what a real life date would be like. 
They discuss Lindsey moving to Dallas and starting "their" life together. Lindsey still hasn't said "I love you". Sean prompts another deep conversation to get Lindsey to say those 3 little words, and Lindsey is saved by the sitar as Thai dancers come out and preform for them. 
The fantasy suite date card arrives - it however leaves out that they will not be sleeping over, only spending extra time with The Virgin Bachelor. Back at the fantasy suite, the cameras stick around for the most awkward "I love you" ever. Lindsey finally croaks it out and seemed happier to be eating a bug than telling Sean she loves him. To break the tension, they make out.  
Sean picks up AshLee and takes her on a boat cruise while AshLee does a voice over talking about... vulnerability. I am so surprised.  
Her melodramatic talk really ruined the stunning views of Thailand for me. Sean wants to test AshLee's OCD, so he takes her to a cave where they have to go in the dark or something. AshLee obviously talks about trust, being abandoned and being a foster child for a good 3 minutes. AshLee compares falling in love to going down a dark alleyway or swimming through a dark cave, because in AshLeeLand everything is a metaphor for love overcoming abandonment. I think her first step to finding a man should be to stop thinking of love as scary. 
To their amazement, AshLee and Sean find "the light at the end of the tunnel" (Sean's words, not AshLee's). AshLee says that the date was life changing and represents her completely letting go. I know the foster kid has a lot of baggage, but I think she has supposedly "completely let go" in every episode. To mark her 6th opportunity to let go, they make out in a lagoon. 
They head off to dinner on the beach where they start talking about why they are still single at their ripe old ages of nearly 30 and just over 30. Sean makes a comment about how he was focused on work and dated the wrong people, and then AshLee says she was the same way, and is glad she "waited" for love. Oooooh weee, AshLee. This isn't entirely true seeing that you got married at 17. 
AshLee takes a page from Sean's book, and says she can't morally put herself out there and stay the night with Sean in the fantasy Suite if he is with other girls. Sean says he just wants to stay up all night and talk with AshLee. I wonder if they will rent Troop Beverly Hills, because this is how most of my nights started when I stayed up all night long talking at a fifth grade sleepover. Because the romance is flowing, AshLee tells Sean she likes a "cushion cut ring with diamonds all around" along with her ring size. In any other situation, a man would have run for the hills of Thailand. 
After staying up all night gabbing with AshLee, Sean meets Catherine and they too go boating. It's now Catherine's turn to "queen of the world". 

They make out and talk about how they both love Catherine's weirdness. This seems strange to me, because out of this crew, Catherine by far feels the most normal. AshLee "surrendering" herself at every turn is way crazier than anything Catherine has done. Sean asks Catherine if she would move to Dallas, and she says yes, but we all know she is lying. Who leaves Seattle for Dallas? No one. They go snorkeling and then kiss in the rain, because ABC is blowing the budget on this date. Replicating The Notebook is every girl's fantasy. 
It's time for their dinner date - and a live tweeter calls Catherine "the cat's meow". This live tweet thing should happen every episode.
Pretty sure the producers pumped the girls to dis the fantasy suite, so Sean could look like he isn't The Virgin Bachelor studly. In no other season did a person have a problem with sleeping over with the Bachelor - and if any of these girls wouldn't have an issue, it's Catherine, the "vegan who likes the beef". Catherine accepts Sean's fantasy card invitation to stay up all night chit chatting. 
At the fantasy suite, they talk about how Catherine was picked on growing up. Her low self esteem makes me sad, because she is by far the cutest girl on this show, and the only one I would ever share a glass of red with - even if she was lame enough to go on The Bachelor, and let's be honest say "I'm vegan but I still like the beef". 
The camera cuts from hot tub cuddle time to a strange Chris Harrison hosted plug for OZ: The Great & Powerful, and we are reminded that Disney owns everything. 
Sean and Chris sit down to talk about who will be going home. 
Sean says he knows who it is going to be, but it will be tough. At this point, my money is on Catherine, because she hasn't said "I LUV U".
Sean gingerly picks up each woman's framed photo that have made the long trek from LA to Thailand. 
Even though he has already made up his mind, Sean watches the videos each woman has made for him. These videos are always gloriously awkward. Catherine may have won the award this time when she tells Sean that thinking about him "gives her the wiggles". I'm starting to believe all this big dork talk. However, not to be outdone, AshLee could barely get through her video without melodramatically faking tears of joy as she recited love cliches such as: "together we are whole" and "I am no longer broken". 
Based on Sean's reaction, something tells me AshLee may be going home...  Cue to ankle to butt shot of Sean in tight grey slacks. 
Sean picks up the rose and Lindsey audibly curses in anticipation.
 First rose goes to Lindsey. Guess a sailor mouth is okay, but spending the night isn't. Sean is wishing AshLee had that blindfold on now, because her eyes are throwing fire breathing daggers at him. 
And in The Longest Pause In Bachelor History, the final rose goes to Catherine. And my suspicions about the foster kid getting left behind once again are confirmed. 
The look in her eyes is terrifying! Someone should get that man a body guard. AshLee won't even talk to Sean as she leave. 
He begs her to hear him out and she gives him the death stare, and says not a word - but her silence speaks volumes.  
In her exit interview, AshLee basically calls out the other girls for having a sense of humor, saying "this wasn't about laughter and fun for me". We're aware AshLee. The Bachelor was the best free therapy your baggage ever got. Sean pouts by the Thai fountains of fire & ice. Ash is way more composed than I expected her to be. Please don't tell me AshLee is the next Bachelorette. I can't handle a season of trust games and visiting orphanages.  

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