Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: Singing, Dancing, and Drawing to Love

Ladies and Kelley Steedman, it's the episode Bachelorette trailers tease us with, Hometown dates. Des is traveling all over the US to meet the families of her 4 potential suitors. One man and subsequently his entire family will get the boot. 
The show opens in Dallas where Zak is walking towards the camera like a Neanderthal in a wrinkled blazer. He talks about loving Des and doodles in his sketchbook.

Des enters, walking pigeon toed wearing a striped crop top and cropped leather jacket with ugly boots is the picture of a Today show "before" on a segment titled: "How not to wear strpies/cropped shirts/boots/dress yourself". 

This girl needs to learn a little something about proportions. I thought Emily's cutoffs and Frye boots was bad, but I will take that over sausage casing any day. 
Zak launches into a story about his dream the night before -- AKA "The worst topic ever". Does anyone like hearing someone else's dream? Even if I am the star of said dream, I lose interested after "It was our house, but not really our house..."
After ranting about his dream, he races off and comes back with an Sno-Cone truck. I didn't even know such a thing existed, but apparently this is the family biz. Personally, my mom never let me eat frozen treats from a truck, because she said they were obviously laced with drugs. I wonder what this says about the fact that I now run a popsicle business... Freud? But I digress, Des and Zak drive around and give out sno-cones to a group of kids. They both say what a great mother/father the other would be.
After the after school special, Des goes to Zak's house to meet his mom, dad, brother, and sister. They ask how Zak introduced himself, and Zak explains the abs gag. His family is visibly horrified and his sister calls him "a weird-o". Suddenly I like this family a lot more. 
As the cocktail hour rolls on, each family member pulls Des aside to learn her intentions and give their campaign speech for Zak. She talks with his sister about how their relationship started as a friendship. It went a little something like this: Meeting 1: Guy shows up without a shirt, but she has to keep him, becuase that is better than suit of armour guy. Meeting 2-5: They meet while hanging out with a minimum of 10 other dudes. Meeting 6: They go on fantasy date where he strips down to his underwear. Meeting 7: He is on a date with another dude and doesn't even come out on top with a 50/50 chance and a sketch book of memories. I'd say only spending 1 day alone together is what one would call a friendship, Des. 
The night goes from bearable to cringe-worthy when Zak begins to strum his guitar. He has written another original song for Des, but this time, he has enlisted the help of The Partridge family. 

His brother and sister are on terribly off-key vocals while Des looks on in horror with tears in her eyes. 

If it were me, I would have tears of pain and beg the camera mand to get me out of there. As Des escapes my private hell leaves for the night, Zak gives her a promise ring he has been carrying since Atlantic City - all 5 weeks! She cries again and he says "I love you" repeatedly to make himself believe it. 
Next up is Drew's family in Scottsdale, AZ. Des awkwardly runs towards him in a strip mall. At first I thought, really a strip mall is the best backdrop you could find for their meeting? And then I remembered they are in Scottsdale. That is the only backdrop. 
Drew aggresively man handles Des' face. They sit looking googly eyed at each other. 

It's the moment of truth where Des will accompany Drew to pick up his severely mentally handicapped sister, Melissa (sweet name girl). Des says "ooooohhh... I'm like really excited". It's almost believable. Melissa walks out overcome with emotion. She starts flipping Des' hair, and you can see Des visibly shudder, but pretend to be cool with it. 
They get to his house, and everyone ignores Melissa - way to treat your "angel" - as she toddles in. Guess TV cameras tromp disability. 

Drew's adorable niece runs straight to the door, nearly slide tackling Melissa, to get to to Drew. 
The family sits around for a meet and greet where they discuss when "Drew knew". I think if this conversation ever happened among any first meeting of a family, I would literally die. Then Drew is pulled away by his mom. Buying into this whole charade, she gives Drew her blessing to pursue Des. Meanwhile Drew's dad asks Des if she believes in angels. This somehow is in reference to Melissa (who they have locked in the kitchen since she arrived) and links back up to getting married. I am not sure how he did this. He really is a master manipulator. I wonder if Drew pulled his dad aside at any point and let him know he sai don national television that his dad has cancer and didn't want anyone to know...
Drew walks Des out and tells her he loves her repeatedly in a grotesque episode of love vomit. He eats her face one last time, and she is off as his voice over closes out the scene saying the next time he sees his family he will be an engaged man. Bold statement for such a wimpy man. 
After Scottsdale, Des shoots up the coast to Oregon to meet Chris' family. They walk (pigeon-toed) around the baseball field where Chris used to play. He sets up some batting practice for Des. She tries to make a joke about there being "a lot of balls". Chris is way too mature to pick up what she is putting down. They paste on those lame eye black strips. 

As a surprise, Chris pulls out some chalk, so they can write some Tebow bible verses on their face. Always ready for the obvious love pun, Des doesn't miss the opportunity to use the line "you're a catch" while on the field. A red blanket is laid on the pitcher's mound where the couple have a quiet romantic moment. Des - totally copying Zak! - whips out her sketch book of their moments. They are literally drawings I would have done in the 5th grade as part of my California Gold Rush segment. 

He says this is only something they have. which we all know if false, since Des used the pages from Zak's sketchbook.
They arrive at Chris' house and Des tells the family she tweaked her back on one of their dates. Oh really? Well how fitting, Chris's dad is a chiropractor! When Des is finished with her adjustment, it's Chris' turn in his dad's office. His dad gives him a nose adjustment - something that I A) did not know existed and B) would have to be paid $10,000 to get on television. We get a shot straight up Chris' boogie filled nose. It is one of the top ten most uncomfortable hometown date moments. My body physically cringed. 
Chris's mom talks in a very breathy voice and stretches ever word out like it is a chore. Her sit down with Des is painful to watch. She says that his old girlfriend really broke his heart, while inside his entire family tells him everyone hated his old girlfriend - including his grandmother. Burn! 
Chris joins his mom for a sit down. At this point I get really bored by Chris's family, and I fast forward. I return back to the Chris Family at dinner where his mom is crying at the table about their love. blah, blah. blah. Chris and Des make out after dinner at his car. It is fully sunny out, so maybe this was a wine-laden event was less dinner, and more lunch. 
Last stop on the Tour de Bachelor, Salt Lake City, Utah to hang with the wimpy Blake Sheltons. At first I thought, just because Brooks is from SLC, does not make him a Mormon. But then he, rather unconvincingly, says he is excited for Des to meet his 32 brothers and sisters. The stereotype is confirmed. Since Brooks seems less than into this relationship and because Des is a girl, this means that he is her front runner. She goes to great lengths to get his attention and passes him a note in the shape of a rose. The note list their best moments or some such nonsense. The line "Cloud Nine" is obviously listed. This couple makes me gag, and it isn't just because Brooks says "like" as much as a 14 year old teen mom on MTV. 

Brooks takes Des on a canoe ride in a public park. Pretty sure the "lake" is man made and 7 feet wide. He says this feels like they are really together and "just spending a Sunday afternoon". Hey, Brooks, if you were really together, you wouldn't be canoeing in a moat on a Sunday. You'd be watching football and Des would be doodling wedding dresses in her journal. 
Brooks brings Des into his decidedly Mormon family. Suddenly, we see where Brooks gets that high pitched voice. The entire family could voice small rodents in a Pixar movie. 
Brooks' mom notices "the tender love look" between the two of them. As the evening progresses, Brooks and Des both receive cliche love advice from various family members. 

Then Brooks sits down with his mom, and she says the Des asked if Brooks was ready to get married. Brooks responds with "I feel closer to that than I ever have." Evasive, politician answer Brooks. You are earning your place as America's next Bachelor. The evening at the Tabernacle ends without Brooks saying "I love you".  
Des brings in her brother who sabotaged her relationship with Sean last season. She says she hasn't seen her brother since last season. Wait, wait just one second... is this the girl who talks endlessly about family? But she hasn't seen her brother in a year? What a family bond you have with your only sibling, Des. 
They sit on a couch and he looks at her with disdain that definitely runs deeper than the scripted Bachelorette conversation.  
After they have a talk, he says he is here for her and wants her to find someone if it's meant to be. This scene was very built up by ABC with clips in the trailer twisting this interaction to his sabotaging Des. As usual, this was all a ratings ploy. 
Des meets Chris at The Beverly Hilton for the rose ceremony. Because he is wonderful, Chris points out that Brooks still hasn't said "I love you" while all the other men, Des included, have said the L word. She says she can feel the love, she doesn't need to hear it. I call bull sh*t. She's just being a girl and wants the guy that doesn't want her.   
Chris meets each of the guys and talks to them about how much they love Des. Each tells Chris there is no way they are the guy who will be sent packing.  
As we cut to commercial, the guys are lined up and Des says in a voice over "there's nothing holding me back from meeting my husband", and we see her brother lurking in the doorway. dum dum duuuuuuum

When we come back from commercial, we see no sign of her brother for the rest of the episode. This is getting ridiculous, ABC!

Roses are given out. The final rose comes down to: Zak and Drew. It goes to Drew. I am not surprised That one member of the Partridge family was sent home. Looks like a promise ring and an original song sung in harmony by your entire family isn't the ticket to love. Shocker. Des forces out tears as she walks him out. 

1 comment:

  1. It is getting really hard to keep watching this season. Des is so awkward and dorky, it is laughable that she was cast. I fast forward through so much, really only so I know the guys in case one of these dweebs gets picks to be the next Bach. Your posts fill me in on the deets. Thanks for that