Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: On Cloud Nine

I've sort of had it with the guy who puts together the trailers for The Bachelorette. Please don't get my hopes up that I am going to see Desiree weeping on the side of a cliff after having been left by yet another guy. If your show is so boring that you have to twist scenes and take conversations out of context, then maybe you shouldn't be airing it. I came in expecting a lot of tears, but all I got was another episode of Des and the boys. 
The fog rolls, the waves crash... America's bachelorette screams off the edge of a boat. Must mean ABC has taken us to Madiera Island, Portugal. Last date before the hometown dates. 
This week we must endure 3 one-on -ones and a 2-on-1. However, the stakes have been lowered. No one will be sent home rose-less on any of the dates. 
To add some interest to the show, Des has invited "her friends" from last seasons to give her advice - Katherine, Lesley and Jackie. Glad to see Des was only friends with the normal girls in the house - well as normal as you can be to go on a dating show that has failed 20 out of 24 times. 
The girls sit on a balcony and watch the guys play in the pool. Katherine breaks out the binoculars to check out the fresh meat. 
As if this wasn't like high school enough already, Des begins to give out superlative awards to the guys. They went as follows:
Best Kisser: Drew (as if we didn't know she was into those dark alley assaults)
Most Athletic: Chris
Most Successful: Michael
Best Body: Drew (Zak is going to be so pissed!)
Best Eyes: Drew
Most Adventurous: Zak
Then Katherine asks something that was bleeped out - she is the "vegan who likes the beef" after all), whatever it was, the award goes to Chris.
Drew cleaned up in the sleepover pillow talk. 
Brooks is up for first one on one. Des shows up in her ugliest outfit to date, made worse by her terrible flesh tone orthotic wedges. 
Brooks is feeling more "pensive" after seeing Des create relationships with other guys. 
The couple cruises along the Madiera coastline in a Smart car. They drive to a cliff top above the clouds for a picnic on a tartan blanket where they talk about moving in with each other. 
Desiree continues her cliche onslaught with the pearl: "We didn't just break through the clouds. I feel like Brooks and I had a breakthrough in our relationship." 
But not to be out done, Brooks one ups her with: "It feels good to be lost in cloud nine with you"
The couple stands on the edge of the cliff and shouts out to no one "We're on Cloud Nine!". I'm sensing a trend. 
At the house, the date card arrives for Chris. He sniffs the letter in excitement. 
Des and Brooks settle into the second half of their date. She is wearing an unflatteringly short skirt more suited for Emily the Bachelorette. 
She says she is falling in love with Brooks. Yep, falling in love with a guy wearing a black t-shirt, under a chambray button down, under a diarrhea and navy striped cardigan sweater. As if this outfit wasn't dorky enough, he repeats his Cloud Nine comment again saying on top of the mountain, they were "by definition on Cloud Nine". 
Brooks begins to babble about Des meeting his family. You can tell by the rambling that he is having reservations about bringing her home. The awkwardness is compounded by how they each say "family" 3 times in every sentence. 
They then do some SAT prep work: "Like is to Love" as "Skipping is to Running". Des tells Brooks that she is running into love --- but wait for it... Brooks is "BEHIND in his emotional process". First time in Bachelorette history, someone has said "I love you" to a one of the masses, and not gotten it back!
Brooks uses the cloud nine comment again as they leave dinner for a firework show. Des reenacts the fireworks in her confessional saying that she "feels fireworks" when kissing Brooks. Too bad Brooks doesn't feel the same way, Desi.  
Time for the next date. The guys watch Chris and Des patter off to a yacht. They whine about Chris and Des holding her hands, and Michael with his anger issues, takes it to the next level saying "I'll break his knees". On the boat, Chris and Des repeat "We're boating... We're BOATING" and "So cool" for the next 5 minutes. Riveting television.  
Des says she wants to spend this day seeing what their future life would be like. I don't think that a season of the Bachelor makes you successful enough to be spending a random Tuesday on a yacht off the coast of Portugal. Des, let's rememeber your roots. You grew up in a teepee. How quickly jetting off to European islands can make her forget. 
The date card is delivered to the guys' house. It goes to Michael. Yikes, a whole day with Michael. Sucks for Des. Tension builds between Drew and Zak who will be competing on the 2-on-1. 
The yacht arrives at a remote island, and they set out to a picturesque flower meadow for a standard issue Bachelorette picnic. Des chose to compliment her BP dress with  white Keds. Will someone get this girl a stylist? 
Chris brought a surprise for Des. Yes, a surprise of the poem variety. But this time, they are going to write a poem together, put it in a bottle, and then throw it into the Atlantic - where it should be for no one to ever find and read again. Their creative process was so cringe-worthy that I nearly lost my dinner listening to them rhyme. 
Des, wearing a near replica of the unflattering outfit from the night before, and Chris arrive at a winery for dinner. Chris is literally panting in fear of telling Des he loves her. He then decides that their joint poem wasn't good enough, so he wrote Des a poem to say "I love you". This poem, titled "Individually Defined", obviously references their 5 minutes on the roof of the hotel again. It must be hard to creatively rhyme "roof" 14 different times. 
After dinner, romantic acoustic guitar picking plays as they walk through a garden and stop every few feet to make out. 
Now it's time for Michael's date. Des seems about as excited as I am to watch Michael on screen for 15 minutes. Michael got the "exploring" date this week. In a voice over, Michael says: "If you were on a scavenger hunt to find the perfect woman, and there were 47 criteria to find that perfect woman... Desiree has 48." Something tells me that Michael is the kind of guy who actually has a list of his 47 bullet points for said perfect woman. 
They walk around town, and Michael talks robotically off his script about love and feelings - of which he has none, because  he is the male Vicky from Small Wonder. To add some excitement to the date, they ride a wicker sofa down the winding alleys of Madiera. 
Inspired by the sofa on wheels, Michael rattles of love cliches like, "Love is a wild ride" and "Love is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes you are out of control". Somewhere Chris is laughing at this simile amateur. 
ABC has set up a full dinner spread complete with bistro lights in an alley, and Michael, says "awww.. that's nice" with about as much enthusiasm as you would have for someone's gaggle of stray cats. 
Dinner conversation flows to natural topics like diabetes, absent fathers, and tombstones. The happy stuff you talk about when getting to know someone. Michael is toast. 
The 2-on-1 date begins with The Bachelorette's favorite activity - a competition. This week's competition pits the men against each other in go-karts. Des is at the finish line with the checkered flag - the least attractive flag girl of all time. Zak kicks Drew's butt. Drew is pissed, because like many men before him, he wants to use this date to tell her he loves her. 
Zak's prize for driving a tiny car the fastest was to get one on one time with Des first. They walk to a scenic lookout where Zak pulls out a sketch book. He has put together a picture book of all 7 of their memories.
 Zak says he didn't tell Des he loved her out of respect for Drew. Guess he isn't aware that Drew is ready to drop the L-word. All's fair in love and war. 
Drew and Des sit atop a piles of tires while Des fishes for compliments about Drew's family liking her. 
Drew may not have a picture book, but he has an even better ace in the hole - his disabled sister. Drew asks Des if she will go with him to pick his sister up from her special people home when she meets his family. You think I am joking, but this is for reals. 
After their talks, Des has a safe zone rose to give out, and it goes to.... Drew. Zak, devastated, retreats to draw a picture of a heart split in half bleeding down his rock hard abs. 
We come back from commercial, and it is time for the rose ceremony. Des meets Chris Harrison, and she gets teary eyed talking about being in love with Brooks. Chris points out the main issue - that Brooks did not say "I love you" back on a show where people say "I love you" after meeting someone for 20 minutes. Des says this makes her "unsure". Yeah, I'd say it should Des. Not to quote an embarrassing self-help book, but has Cosmo and Sex in the City taught you nothing? "He's just not that into you!"
Cue the dramatic musical score, it's Rose Time. The final rose comes down (predictably) to: Zak & Michael. And even more predictably, Michael is sent home in the limo. He reads off his devastation script with no voice inflection saying he is heartbroken. Michael tells Des no girl will ever match up to her. Do I need to remind him that he went on one, ONE(!) date with this person?!
In the limo, Michael whips out his cell phone to call his mom, and tell her that he got dumped before the home town dates. To which his mom, who talks like Janelle's mom from Teen Mom, says "Here we go again". Ha! So supportive. 

See you all at the hometown dates. 

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