Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: Who's Here To Be The Next Bachelor

The group of lovers continues their quest for roses in Barcelona this week. 
Des says "this place is full of life.. perfect place to fall in love." Is there anywhere, according to Des that isn't a great place to fall in love? As Des walks around being inspired, the men sit at an outdoor cafe and toast to love, because this is what dudes do in their natural environment. Now that Ben is out, James who is busting out of his plaid polo shirt,  is the new most hated guy in the house. 
In case you were to busy following the Supreme Court's latest decisions, last week the two weeniest guys - Drew and #Kasey - overheard the guys with the biggest muscles - Mike-Y and James - talking about how after the Bachelorette they are going to kill it with "hot, rich girls" on Mike-y's boat in Chicago. James went a step further and said he will be the next Bachelor. This really riled them up that James is #notherefortherightreasons.
Chris meets the dudes and explains the date layout for the week - a group date and 2 one-on-one dates.

The first date card goes to Drew, the guy with the depressing childhood that is more depressing than Brandon who said he had the most depressing childhood. He is bubbling over with girlish excitement.
Des calls Drew "reserved, but so romantic and passionate about romance". I call him limp wristed and too effeminate to actually like women. Drew meets her for the date, and Des tells him they are going to explore the city. The couple barely takes 3 steps before Drew sashays to a halt, pops his hip and says "Guuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllll, first things first, ihaven'tbeenabletostopthinkingaboutkissingyou!! (girlish squeal)" and grabs her face in the most awkward first kiss ever. 
They get hot chocolate and kiss the whipped cream off each others faces. 
Then they drink out of a sketchy public fountain and kiss because they both contracted dysentery. 
Drew gets serious spilling the beans to Des about his family and growing up with an alcoholic dad. He gets choked up and starts to cry, on a first date(!). He tells Des that his dad has cancer now, and his dad is very private about his battle. No one in his dad's office knows... well now America knows, Drew. Way to respect your father's wishes.  
As the sun goes down, Drew kicks the making out up a notch to making out every other frame to prove he likes girls. They walk through the streets of Barcelona and shimmy to street music while they make out. Drew's "emotions are running crazy". After they sit down to dinner, Drew surprises Des - and the camera crew - by whisking her off to an alleyway to make out. He pulls a Sean Lowe and forces her up against a wall. Des says his "sensual" kissing makes her "feel special". Other people call being pushed up against a wall in an alley sexual assault.
While Des and Drew enact a scene from a made for TV movie date rape scene, the guys sit around and await the date card. The group date card arrives, and is addressed to: Brooks, Chris, #Kasey., Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. This means Zak has the one-on-one. Let's hope he wears clothes. #Kasey whines in his high pitch voice about James who sits beside him in a neon pink shirt. 
Des, overcome by Drew's make out, gives him a rose. After securing the rose, Drew says there is one more thing he has to tell her, and he launches into the James & Mike-Y take over the world of hot, rich women discussion. Des is disappointed, because she thought Thickneck was "an honest man". I am sure James gets accused of this all the time. 
The next day, Drew debriefs the others in Team Whine-O, #Kasey and Michael, about how he told Des about James. #Kasey says he is going to have a hard time balancing his feelings for Des and his love for anger at James
The minivan filled with Bachelors meets Des at the Barcelona futbol stadium. Des says she wants to find out from James if those comments were taken out of context. Not really sure how "I am going to kill it on a boat with hot, rich women" can be taken out of context. 
The group plays soccer and Des does this:
Juan Pablo, the former pro soccer player, is in his element being hot kicking the futbol around. Des brings out her team, a bunch of super butch chicks. The guys who are sweating after their practice, say they are not afraid. Juan Pablo scores the first goal. The guys have a lot of confidence early on, but then the girls start scoring on James who is the worst goalie of all time. His neck is as large as the goal, I am not sure how he is missing so many balls. 
Des translates James' lack of athletic ability to him not being here for the right reasons. 
The game ends with a chick victory of 10-2. 
Time for sexy, boozey time at Des' pad. More toasting commences. Des pulls Chris aside to her bedroom to talk. They lay on her bed and talk about how athletic he is and how he is good at everything. I am waiting for some cheesy joke about being good in the bed, but neither of them are that quick. Instead they recite rhyming lines to each other which inspires Des to pull out her own original poetry. Her poetry is as good as Chris' rhyming "view" with "knew". 
 Some of the rhymes were definitely recycled from a 4th grade Father's Day poem written on a construction paper tie.
#Kasey thinks that because Des isn't confronting James, that he should. He tells James what he and Drew overheard and how disturbed they were. As expected, this goes over very well. #Kasey wets himself in fear of the bulging vein in James immense neck. 
While the guys yell at each other, it is time for Brooks and Des to talk about how "emotionally involved" they each are while laying in another bed in Des's house. 
Flash to #nerdconfrontation. James denies starting the conversation with Mike-Y about slaying chicks in Chicago - but really doesn't deny anything that was said. James then turns the conversation around to pointing out that Michael hasn't been on a one-on-one date yet. It's the most amazing jedi mind trick I have ever seen to change a conversation topic. James screams at the guys that he didn't bring the conversation up, Mike-Y did. I didn't know that who started a conversation negated everything said in that conversation. 
#Kasey gets his alone time with Des, and he tells her that he stayed up late the night before girl talking with Drew about how he told Des about James. He rehashes the whole story that Drew told her. She hugs him like a gal pal, and heads out to get James. Des drops the bomb that she won't be handing out the rose that night. #Kasey #ruinstheroseforeveryone.
James tells Des that Mike-Y is the only Chicago muscle milk who chases girls around the Windy City. It is the most unbelievable excuse I have ever seen. James tries to force out tears talking about his feelings for Des. She starts to eat it up and begins to cry. It's easy to see why she is single. Des takes a minute to think and stare at the rose. 
She comes back to James and tells him that she needs to think about it over night. James is "emotionally exhausted". 
#Kasey runs back to the hotel and rehashes the story- his favorite topic - to the other guys. #Kasey says he could have seen James and his Hulk hands reaching over and grabbing Michael. At this point I want to reach over and grab Michael. 
James walks into the house and the guys are shocked he wasn't sent home. James heads straight to bed. 
Cut to the next morning. Zak says he is bummed the James drama will carry over to his date. He meets her in the city where Des is doodling in her friendship journal. They head to a gallery to paint. The teacher asks if they have drawn before and Des says "a little". Oh come on, Des, don't sell yourself short. You've been deeply doodling on every episode. First they sketch a random dude dressed like a hobo, and then they decide to sketch each other. Risky endeavor on a first date. Des is totally serious with hers and it looks like shit. Zak's is a joke and makes Des giggle.  
Then a nude male model comes out, and Zak stares in awe of his abs. So for teh record, this is the 3rd figure they have drawn. I think they could have stopped at 1. Zak leaves and comes back in the model's robe. The man would not miss an opportunity to capitalize on getting nearly nude. He flexes in tighty whitey and thinks he is an Adonis. Des thinks it is "sooo funny". 
Time for dinner. They head to a winery where they will be dining in a wine cave. Des says they have a "friendship that is growing into a relationship" while Zak says he is "absolutely in love with this woman" and "at this point (she) means everything to me" -- after ONE date! I think they need to align their feelings a little more. 
Des tries to recreate her alley wall kiss with Zak. This time she is the aggressor. 
Back at the house, James pulls Drew aside to talk to him. The other guys have the policia on the line in case James strangles him. James, n his defense, says that it isn't a bad thing to get in the top 4 and become the Bachelor. So...when defending himself, he is confirming what the guys are mad at him for. James starts screaming and tells Drew to lower his voice. 
It is the day of the rose ceremony - I think. Des pulls James aside and the guys head to the roof to watch Des and talk about how this will be the last time they see James. James belittles Des in a defensive conversation about how she is so stupid to believe those little whiners. It all sounds very fake to me, but Des calls it "sincere". James has somehow turned the conversation around to how this is so hard for him and the guys are bullying him. He is an amazing emotional manipulator. It makes me embarrassed to be a woman. James tells her that he feels more alive than he has before as Des begins to cry again. The conversation goes on and on. I have to fast forward, because I have heard enough BS for one night. 
Drew looks like he is physically gagging as the guys on the roof look down at James and Des canoodling. 
Des ends up giggling and hugging him - and says she resents the other guys for putting her in that position. What a freaking WOMAN!
Manipulating a little woman was some strenuous work for James based on his boob sweat.
James goes back to the room and talks with the guys. He gives them a totally different rendition of the conversation he just had with Des. Chris wigs out. I am so bored by this story-line. Lots of heated tone of voice, use of the words "disrespectful", "next Bachelor" and "Des". Around in circles, blah blah blah.
Time for the rose ceremony. Drew says Des may have a mutiny on her hands if she makes the wrong decision. These guys have been cooped up together with nothing to talk about but this girl for way too long. 
Des looks at James' framed photo, and tries to make a decision. She looks out the balcony of her Spanish mansion, and tries to make a decision. She doodles wedding dresses in her journal, and tries to make a  decision.
Time for the moment of truth. Three guys are going home tonight... will James be one of them? 
Final Rose comes down to: James, #Kasey, Juan Pablo and Michael. And the shocker of all shockers... the rose goes to Michael. What? The only person worse than #Kasey is Michael. At least keep Juan Pablo for eye candy! At least we don't have to hear anything else about this stupid James story. 
Michael closes the show with the line: He was found guilty. People v. James. Case Dismissed. 
I hope Des ends up alone choosing tools like this.  

1 comment:

  1. This is great! Now I don't even have to watch the show, because you have just written every snarky comment I said last night. Brilliant!