Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: Get Out of Dodge

Another Monday, Another Bachelor, Another chance to debut new shades of V-neck

This episode will be featuring: 3 dates - 2 group and 1 one-on-one

Chris Harrison chats up the guys and leaves the first date card for: Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mike-Y, Brandon, Zack K, and Ben. The card reads: "Love is a battlefield". All the guys talk about how they are excited to be with Des, and Michael whines about sharing a date with Ben, because Des actually likes him. 
The hummer limo rolls up to a warehouse, and as the men roll out they all tell Des she looks "amazing" in her neon pink workout wear. Mike-Y and his muscles are like a wind up monkey all teed up on sexual frustration.  
Des rolls open the warehouse door to reveal a professional dodgeball team, and informs the guys that for the next hour, they will be pegged by 10 men for her enjoyment. They guys have no chance. It's like watching a fluffly, little lamb get slaughtered.
After 10 minutes of getting picked on like the ninnies they are, Chris Harrison walks in to relieve them. The guys will now face a competitor they can handle - themselves. The winning team gets to enjoy sexy boozy time with Des when the sun sets. Chris warns them that the match will take place in a very public venue. dun dun duuuuuun.
Switch to an outdoor mall outfitted with a giant cage. There is a crowd of screaming fans - never has the unemployment issue been so obvious than it has on this random mid-week day in LA where 100 people had nothing better to do. Michael says this isn't his grandfather's dodgeball. It's not mine either, Michael. My grandpa was busy dodging bullets in a real war called "WWII". 
Because The Bachelorette needs to embarrass the men on their quest for love, they have taken away their v-necks and put them  in "throwback" unis.

Mike-Y looked like this: 
Both teams sing their specialty cheers they crafted just for Des. She giggles like a school girl. 
The whistle blows for the first of three matches. The red team seems to be getting smoked. Then it comes down to Drew and Chris - obviously muscles don't mean anything in dodgeball seeing that the 2 scrawny guys are left. Drew gets Chris out and takes the game for the blue team. 
Red comes out hot in the second game, defeating the blue team. Brandon and his troubled past feel like the kids they never got to be. 
The game is tied 1-1 and comes down to the third game. Within 3 seconds of the whistle, Wimpy Blake Shelton jams his finger like a little girl in an elementary school basketball game.  He drops to the ground, and EMT workers rush over. Wimpy Blake Shelton squeezes Des' hand to comfort himself.  
We've got a case of the boy who called Tierra. 
As Wimpy Blake Shelton is wheeled away, the game continues. Chris is obviously the ringer for the red team, because the third game comes down one on one to Chris and Zack. Zack takes it. And makes Des look like she weighs 700 pounds as he hobbles away with her on his back.

See ya, Red Team. Michael starts to cry (I am sure it has something to do with Ben getting the date time). But because Des is the best, she invites everyone to sexy boozy time, even losers. 
The show comes back from commercial with ambulance sirens blaring in the night. Brooks is hooked up to 12 IVs and a morphine drip for breaking his finger. What a pansy!
Brad who I've never noticed before, pulls Des aside and says there is something he wants to get off his chest. These guys really come with a lot of baggage. Once he begins to talk, I hope it is something that explains his speech impediment. Sadly it's not, turns out Brad's secret is he has a 3 year old son that he chooses not to pimp out quite are openly as Ben. Brad talks about how his ex is crazy and had him arrested for domestic violence... Where does ABC find these guys?
The next date card arrives at the man mansion. Because she must be a #gluttonforpunishment, #Kasey gets the one-on-one date card. #suckstobeyou
Back on the date, instead of crushing beers and flirting with women, the guys are freaking out about the rose, namely Chris, the dodgeball star who can't finish the drill. He slips a cameraman a $20 goes on a recon mission and finds some helicopter launch pad to take Des to make out. She eats it up. 

Brooks walks in with the weight of the world on his shoulders and an itty bitty tiny splint on his finger. 

Having missed most of the day, he is going to milk this injury to get some kisses from Des. But, that oxy-induced kiss wasn't enough, because Chris gets the rose. Heli pad with a view tromps an abusive ex or a broken finger. Chris and Des go and dance to some girl named Kate Earl. They make out while dancing, and Chris calls it a "fairy tale". All the guys are watching them from above. The whole scene is terribly awkward. 
Des is (as predicted) doodling in her journal from Zak with abs, but no C. 

The phone rings and she walks to pick it up in flesh tone leggings. 
Chris is on the phone saying the he has some "bizarre" news, and the two conspire to call the dirtbag out on his game. She hops in her Bentley and races over to the man den to put the liar on Front St. 
Brian is the guy with a girlfriend - as totally set up by the producers at the last rose ceremony when Des asked him awkwardly about his past relationship. Des pulls Brian (pink v-neck) aside and questions him, dropping "I'm just trying to make sure everyone is here for the right reasons". I think you've made that pretty clear, Des. 
As Des and Brian talk about how his relationship with his old girlfriend is not really over, Chris walks out with Stephanie, the girlfriend in question, wearing leather leggings and a neon pink blazer. This show needs a stylist. 
Drew, who is super insightful, says that "he is in a lot of trouble". It brings him right back to when he would steal cookies with the foster kids in his troubled youth. 
Brian's girlfriend seems to be putting on quite the act, and I am fairly sure they set this up 2 months ago. Stephie-Face says she thought he was going to a business conference. Who goes on a 6 week business trip... to LA? 
Desiree asks Brian to leave because he "is obviously not here for the right reasons". His trashy ex-gf asks him what she is supposed to tell her son who looks up to him. Steph, maybe you should take a little responsibility and think twice about introducing your impressionable young son to greasy cheeseballs.
The guys sit around and talk about people being there for the wrong reasons. Ben is wearing the women's tank top we saw on Ryan from Emily's season. Someone please tell me besides Express, who is selling this top? 

But the date must go on, and #Kasey is excited, because he is #herefortherightreasons
Brandon weeps in a hoodie about how growing up he was like poor Donovan, Steph's son, who's mom was slutting it around and the guys would leave him behind. He squeezes out tears about his love for Des.
As Des and #Kasey head out, the date card arrives and Brooks nurses his boo boo. Zak lets us know he wants to go on the date to prove he is there for the right reasons. We got it, Zak, we got it. 
Group Date #2 is for: Dan, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden and Zak. 
Back on the date, Des and #Kasey will be doing some sort of repelling dance on the side of a building. First use of a harness on The Bachelorette this season! I am sure we will see many more. They must be in West Hollywood, because a crowd of middle aged men begins to gather to ogle #Kasey all strapped up. 
The dancing isn't as easy as it looks as #Kasey explains, "you have to utilize your core ab muscles". The two pretend to be having fun, but Des can't get her mind off being deceived, and #Kasey's core ab muscles are tired. They decide to call it a day on the building dancing. 
The sun sets and the couple goes to dinner on the roof of the building they danced on. - yes, you read that correctly. A hurricane comes through and blows out all the ambient lighting. The rose flutters in the wind, so they decide to go swimming. But the pool was cold. Luckily for Des, Kasey knew how to fix that, warm her with a peck kiss. It wasn't passionate enough, and they escape to a stairwell. Worst date in Bachelorette history. But Des can tell that deep down, #Kasey is #agreatguy, and he gets a rose. 
Time for the group date. More dressing up and acting like you're on a school field trip. 
James (pink v-neck) is expecting a Bentley, but the boys got picked up in a horse and carriage. This date will be taking place at some sort of wild west dinner theater set. The stunt team for the Lone Ranger comes out, and tell the guys there will be a stunt competition for who gets one on one time with Des. I am sure this is a highlight in their stunting careers. 
James tells us that, "The Lone Ranger rides for justice, but this Lone Ranger rides for Des." I wonder which muscles he used to come up with that one. 
Each of the guys does some fake punches, fake shoots an old man and then comes up with an original cheese line to say to Des as they whisk her away. 
The winner of the Ranger contest is Juan Pablo, totally based on him being hot and Des being shallow. 
The two watch a screening of Disney's The Lone Ranger in a barn. It is "the best date" Des has ever had - now we know the producers can shoot a little lower in their planning. The two make out... "passionately". 
After the movie, they all reconvene by a fire to hang out with Des and talk about the rose. 
James tells Des that he is having a hard time, because his dad is at home with pancreatitis. You know, just getting a chance to tell Des he is here for the right reasons. I really wish Des had sent him home to be with his dad, but of course... this confession earns James the rose. The two kiss super awkwardly to celebrate the rose
Chris surprises the guys at the house to tell them the cocktail party has been canceled in place of a pool party at the Man Mansion. Michael is cracking under the "day time pressure". 
Ben comes out in his Express tank top right as Des pulls up. He asks her to go for a quick ride. Ben says he is nervous Des is going to put him in the dad-zone - which is such a thinly veiled ploy. The guys start getting suspicious that Ben is up to something. Michael says he is a little angry, but his body language and voice inflection say that his is F*&king PISSED THE F*$K OFF!
Mike-Y calls Ben out for his cruise with Des. The guys get really fired up. Michael can't miss a Ben confrontation, so he comes up in his hoodie. He makes some comment about unscrambling an egg? Not sure where that was going. I was really hoping they would accuse him of wearing Des' tank top as a jedi mind game. 
Brandon pulls Des aside to talk about how he wants to protect her and make sure she never gets hurt, never, ever. He spills the waaa waaa story about his mom dating people and the men ditching him. He somehow relates this back to how he is never going to hurt Des. He confesses he is falling in love with her in the same breath that he says they never get to see each other - yep, we're watching The Bachelorette. She barely reacts, so he kisses her. 
Des leaves the pool party, and it is time for the rose ceremony. Brandon "has never been more confident" that he has the rose in the bag, because he said he loves her. Chicks dig when guys tell them they love them - especially after one date and with tears in your eyes. Pan to Michael who all he can talk about is Ben. Pretty par for the rose ceremony course. 
Final rose comes down to: Brandon, Dan, and Ben. Ben gets the rose, and I have never been so happy to see a Bachelor contestant go home. See ya, Brandon! Milking a rough childhood is pathetic. 
Brandon curses and looks like he may kill Desiree. She should probably hire some security. Des follows him out, because she is crazy, and tells him he is going home, because she has no chemistry with him. Way to lay it out there. 
dan didn't get any goodbye screen time. Not even an opportunity for one last dad-joke. 

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