|Dance like nobody's watching|
This episode is going down in history as The Most Annoying Use of a Bachelor Catch Phrase Ever. If I never hear: "Here for the right reasons" again, it will be too soon.
The episode begins with guys Des liked enough after meeting them for 7 minutes, moving into their mansion where they will live for the next 6 weeks. The house is a total bachelor pad (no pun intended) complete with black leather couches. I imagine these couches will hold many a pow-wow where the guys talk about how Ben is a jerk, because he doesn't drink Mike's Hard Lemonade by the pool with them.
Chris Harrison stops by and explains the dating game to the boys. It's a room full of riveted v-neck tees.
On this episode, there will be two 1-on-1 dates and 1 group date. The first date card arrives, and a balding guys I didn't know was on the show reads the date card.
Brooks, the wimpy Blake Shelton, who is "so pumped, like Rocky Balboa pumped", is the winner. He's so soft and I can't stop staring at his teeth for some reason - are they fake? I've decided he is perfect for Tiny Teeth.
Brooks says he needs to "go get ready". When we see him again, he has changed from a black v-neck to a blue v-neck. The Bachelor uniform.
a pre-teen's room Des' house where she is doodling again and talking about dreams and fairy tales. Typical Des stuff. I wish she was wearing a glass slipper instead of those heinous boots with a tank top.
Des heads over to the guys house to get Brooks. She walks in and says "I love seeing you all in your normal clothes". Normal clothes for beefcakes on TV apparently consists of super tight v-neck shirts in varying colors of black. Maybe it's because I live in preppiest part of the country, but I don't know a single guy who rocks a v-neck tee.
And so begins a lesson in "Everything You Shouldn't Do On A First Date".
Lesson 1: When driving around with a girl, don't spend 2 hours rambling on and on about how you are shaking from nerves. You're a man! Act like one.
Lesson 2: Save the date where you try on wedding dresses to at least the 4th date. I'm dumbfounded when Des takes Brooks to bridal salon, because she "has a desire to design wedding dresses". In the real world, this guy would have run so fast for the hills and called all his friends to tell them what a psycho he just met. But in Bachelor world, this date is really "cool".
Lesson 3: Don't enact scenes from a wedding together by smashing cake into each other's faces while a crowd looks on.
The date moves on to the Hollywood sign where Des and Brooks have champagne on the L. This part of the date is actually pretty fun, but it brings us to - Lesson 4: Learn to tie a bow tie - or at least get a producer to help you. In the shop, Brooks had his tie tied like this. I thought for sure a producer would intervene before their big location change, but no, they let him look like a fool. Nice move, ABC.
Lesson 5: Wait until at least the 3rd date to talk about your past relationships, your tenuous relationship with your father, and your parents' divorce.
Driving home, they "get lost", and Brooks is scared shitless of the graffiti and "razor blade wiring" on the fence. Pretty sure if Will (the high-fiver) walked by he would have called 9-1-1, because he saw a black person. Lesson 6: Be a man, Brooks. Or at least pretend to not be a sheltered Mormon from SLC.
They arrive at a "Closed Road" sign, and Des tells him to move it so she can drive through.
Lesson 7: If you are on a fantasy date planned by people with city permits, don't be a rule-following pansy when a your date tells you to move a sign. Brooks finally gets up the nerve, and obviously, ABC has something planned. The bridge has been shut down and they have dinner set up on the bridge - complete with chandelier.The couple starts talking about Des' parents and their love (again...). Wimpy Blake Shelton gets choked up talking about his relationship with his parents and their divorce.
Lesson 8: Don't cry on the first date.
Back at the house, the group date card arrives. It is for: Dan, Juan Pablo, Zack K,Will, Bryan, Drew, James, Mike-y, #Kasey, Zak W, Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben. The card reads "Who's here for the right reasons". The favorite line of The Bachelor, and soon to be so worn out my brain wants to explode.
On the bridge, Des is bowled over by
what a cheese ball how open Brooks is, and he gets the rose. But, just when Brooks is talking about still being nervous (Lesson 9), some guy on a keyboard starts playing, and the dancing that ensues made me embarrassed to be a white woman. More kissing commences.
Every season, the producers of The Bachelor find new ways to embarrass their contestants. This year hits a new low. The men, clad in Bachelor issued v-neck tees in all colors of the rainbow, arrive at a mansion with a bunch of sports cars.The guys will be making a rap video with Soulja Boy - they must have wasted their budget getting that no name keyboard player. I don't think anyone has heard of Soulja Boy in about 4 years. However, it's a good thing they brought in an actual black guy for diversity and realism, since Des only kept the Caucasians (and Will who high-fives, making him whiter than Carlton Banks).
The song they will be "rapping" is entitled "Here for the Right Reasons". This prompts a slew of confessionals where each guy talks about how he is here for the right reasons. In a scene made for my personal horror, each guys takes a turn throwing down some rhymes. It is painful. Three guys are picked to be rappers and the others are back up dancers. James' neck is so thick it can barely fit in the screen.
Since they are so smart, they realize the lyrics to the rap are about past bachelor contestants. Clever, producers, clever.
Ben is up first and the couple is dressed in western wear. It's a nod to some guy who came on to promote his singing career. Guess he went far if I have no idea who they are emulating.
Brandon is wearing some sort of jock strap. He keeps pretending like he is totally cool with it, but you can tell he's never been more uncomfortable in his life. During his scene, he seduces Desiree who is laying on a fur rug on a couch.
The scene ends with Des rapping in a bikini. It's no wonder the producers cut the clip very short. My whole body was cringing in second hand embarrassment. Watch the video HERE
Sexy, boozy time follows as the sun sets. Zak, the ab guy with no C, brought a backpack of gifts on the date. He got Des an antique journal that had never been written in. It has a neat inscription from a father to his daughter. They keep talking about how amazing it is - all I can think about is how crappy it was of that daughter to not only not use her gift from her dad, but to then sell it to an antique store! I'm sure Des will use it as a sketch book to draw pictures of Brook's teeth and bow tie.
While Zak is flashing his
abs gifts at Des, the guys freak out over the date rose on the table. Brandon compares his love and the rose to a butterfly (yes, this really happened), and he is "not going to squish it".
Mike-Y sits down with Des, and talks about his grandma and how close his Italian family is. Couldn't have guessed that, Mike-Y.
He's interrupted by Ben which prompts James (who is just a burlier version of Mike-Y) into a tirade about Ben - "I don't know if he is here for the right reasons, or not here for the right reasons, but my intuition tells me, he is not here for the right reasons". It seems like a lot of words for that much muscle to get out.
Ben and Des talk about
his ace in the hole son, and then he leans in and kisses her. Brandon was creepily watching just out of their view and sees the embrace. He gets visibly emotional talking about how he's "here for the right reasons", and Ben may not be. It is so hard to see another man kissing his woman - first guy of the season to just realize that he signed up for The Bachelor and is competing with 25 other guys.
Michael gets his time with Des to tell her he is here for the right reasons. He talks about how he is The Respect Avenger with all the women in his life, and he will be her respect caped crusader too.
While Des and Michael talk, the guys stand in the corner and stare at Ben. Mike-Y takes it upon himself to air his grievances with Ben. They go sit by a fireplace, and all is good once Ben tells Mike-Y he likes his shoes and asks to borrow his plaid on plaid formal wear.
The next 1-on-1 date card comes. There are 4 guys vying for the last one on one. And the date card goes to: Bryden. The card has two words: Road trip. Maybe this should have been Ben's card, since Des fell head over heels for him talking about road trips at the first date party
Brandon thinks he needs to be more aggressive with his little butterfly tonight, so he interrupts Des' time cuddling by the fire with Drew. Brandon, with watery eyes, launches into his sob story and how he raised his family. Des seems bored, probably because he isn't talking about her favorite topic: DES. He brings her back in by ending his speech with how he wants to come home to DES. Tiny teeth eats it up. Brandon has "fallen in like" with her, after 4 minutes together.
Ben ends up getting the date rose over Brandon. Scowls all around. To break the tension, Des has the guys break into the hook of their rap. I hope I never have to hear that song again.
Des honks her Bentley horn outside the house, and out runs Bryden and the V-necks.
The road trip begins, and they head towards Matador Beach. Des talks about her favorite subject: her poor family. She says they couldn't afford to fly, so they drove everywhere - well Des, you weren't as poor as Brandon who changed his sister's diapers if you were even taking road trips. Booyah. At the Lamest Beach Scene In Bachelor History, they try to fly kites and write: des+bryden" on a 4ft patch of beach.
They then eat fish tacos, and she takes him to an orange grove to live like a migrant farm worker. Cruising on up the coast, they visit the well plugged Ojai Inn & Spa for dinner. Bryden talks sternly about how he likes to joke and have fun. I have a hard time believing him. Discussing his fun side somehow leads to him talking about some awful accident he was in while working construction, And then, for some reason, he had pictures of his totaled car and him laying in a hospital bed with a teddy bear in his jacket pocket. Des is moved by all he has been through.
They talk about their future, and then, because it is The Bachelor, they hit the hot tub.
"Soooo.... " He awkwardly chit chats while trying to get the nerve to kiss her "Soooooo..... ahhhhh". They finally kiss once Des tells him to. Des gives Bryden a rose and keeps him and his "great sense of humor" around for another week.
Time for The Rose Ceremony
Michael has some HUGE news for Des. It is very nerve racking for him to tell Des that he is.... Type I Diabetic. Michael, Brandon told her his mom was a drug addict and he changed his sister's diapers. This is nothing. Right as Michael is spilling his heart out about insulin and blood sugar levels, Ben - who has a rose! - walks up. Michael freaks out in his confessional.
Mike-Y catches wind of this, and not even complimenting his shoes can make him forget Ben's latest indiscretion. Ben gushes some super cheesy line about loving watching her smile and kisses Des. I'm gagging.
Michael, Mike-Y and the balding guy confront Ben about not being in the house for the right reasons. As Ben walks out, James, Bryden and Brandon walk out and the guys talk in sarcasm speak about how Ben is there to promote his bar. Brian - and his slick back Charlie Sheen hair, who I thought was James this whole time - takes this opportunity to talk to Des since all the guys that are there for the right reasons forgot there is a girl inside. They talk about the ex-girlfriend he broke up with a few weeks before filming began. I'd listen but I am so bored and can't stop staring at his greasy forehead and one squinty eye.
In usual dramatic form, roses are given out - Des even asks Juan Pablo if he wants this rose in Spanish. she must have been practicing this all week seeing that last week she couldn't even say his name.
The final rose comes down to: Robert, Will, Brandon, and the balding guy. And the rose goes to Brandon. For the record, Will did not high five her goodbye. What burn, Will!
The balding guy's name turned out to be Nick M. He's heartbroken.
Robert said he was "there for the right reasons", and it just didn't work out. "Nightmare, absolute nightmare"
The remaining guys toast to the right reasons.
**Full disclosure: Not a single use of "for the right reasons" was used in this post when it was not said on the show.