Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: German Invasion

Ratings for Des' season are The Lowest In Bachelorette History. I know, I am not surprised either. In an interview, Chris Harrison promises that the season is about to heat up. The intro before this episode is a montage of tears from Des and the guys. It is a pretty desperate attempt to reel in new viewers. Originally, I thought all this crying was happening in this episode, but instead, it only gave us a bunch of outerwear in Munich, Germany. 

The guys arrive in Munich via public transportation. Zak doesn't have a jacket, or anything that hides his abs, so he borrowed his little sister's camel pea coat for his big trip.
Swap to Des who is walking pigeon toed around Munich. I was hoping after watching Sean's season she would ask the producers to skip any walking b roll, but we're not so lucky. 
Des talks about how this is her first trip to Europe - because she is poor, and her family couldn't road trip across the Atlantic. 
Chris welcomes the men to Munich looking like a show choir member in a very royal blue scarf. 
Chris drops a bomb that there will be 3 dates this week. A group date, a 1-on-1 and the dreaded 2-on-1. The men, mainly Michael, whimper about who will have the 2-on-1 date as Chris sends them to their hotel, the Munich Kempinski. ABC has really upped the ante on the hotel. Mr. Fonty and I stayed at a Kempinski in Turkey, and it is probably the nicest hotel I've ever stayed at. The guys are obviously fitting in well in their v-neck t's, hoodies, and SWEATPANTS!  Way to represent America, Ben, in your "I've given up on life" clothing.  
Now that he is international, #Kasey has replaced hashtagging with speaking in German.  
 The men settle in, and the date card arrives. It goes to Chris, the poetry writing pansy. The date card is in German, so the guys have less of an opportunity to decipher what lines like: "Love is like a rock" means for the date.  Even though he has no idea what they are doing, Chris is "JACKED!"

He sets off to get his hair gelled to perfection for his date.
Turns out Des has a great day of "exploring" Munich with their "trusty phrase book". As usual Des "couldn't have picked a better guy" for this date. You're going to need to come up with some more one liners, Des. 
At the hotel, Bryden has crossed an ocean to continue his pouting about not getting time with Des - and Michael is complaining about anything he can think of. Rather than be normal and wait until he gets a group date card to head back to Montana, Bryden must.tell.Des.NOW.  He leaves the hotel, and sets out to the streets using his military training to follow the scent of Chris' Axe body spray. 
The date seems to be going swimmingly as they take pictures with what I am guessing is the German equivalent of the silver painted robot street performer. 
After encouraging panhandling, they try on lederhosen, because that is what Americans do in Germany. 
Just as Chris prompted by the producers says, "nothing could go wrong", we see Bryden tracking Chris' scent through the streets of Germany. He asks locals in broken English if they have seen television cameras, film-film, taking-film, camera with film. I am not entirely sure how the film crew kept a straight face. 
Finally Bryden talks to someone who can interpret "television-film, film-film, camera on film", and we get to see Des and Chris hamming it up dancing in a courtyard, embarrassing America. 
Bryden stands among the on lookers, and then chases them down. 
Des is breathless and taken aback. 
Chris says that the only thing that will bother him is if Des comes back sad, because having to comfort her instead of trying on lederhosen (which they do) would be a buzzkill. He sits with the pigeons and ponders his date crashing and burning. 

Des and BRYden say goodbye forever, and I am 90% sure she calls him Brandon. 
Bryden's deception makes Des wonder if the guys are here "for the right reasons", just like how everything the guys do make Des wonder who is here for the right reasons. 
Chris capitalizes on the opportunity to tell Des that he is here for the right reasons, and really enjoyed their 7 minutes on top of the roof 4 weeks ago. 
Flash to the guys who are talking about Des and relationships - the only thing guys talk about when left to their own devices. A date card arrives. It is the group date for: Juan Pablo, James, #Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew,  Mike-Y. Which means (one-sided) mortal enemies Michael and Ben have the 2-on-1 which is AMAZING! 
Michael reveals himself as a secret assassin who is not here for the right reasons when he says that his plan for the date is to "convict Ben as a fraud". He then takes it to the next level saying, he is going to "go and murder Ben" in this "gladiator style setting". I don't have a lot of experience with guys who go on dating shows to promote their business, but I think I would rather be with a guy who "is here for the wrong reasons" than someone who plans on murdering an opponent, gladiator style.  
Back from commercial, and Des & Chris are all dressed up. Des eats it in the street, but Chris saves her from falling, and she says "I knew you'd catch me". Is part of Bachelorette prep to watch a marathon of Nicholas Sparks books adapted to film? There is no excuse for using lines like this.  
The couple arrives at a palace for dinner. They sit at the dinner table and talk about past relationships. Once Chris is sufficiently bored of listening to Des talks about her ex-boyfriend, he pulls out his journal to read her another poem, an original entitled "Thoughts So True". This gem not only utilizes the word "cute", but rhymes "you" with "true". Whitman would proud. 
In an effort to get him to shut up and put his journal away, Des gives Chris the rose. 
Just when Chris thinks the date is over, a pianist starts playing, and there is more awkward slow dancing. Chris says this is a fairy tale. Maybe these 2 really are meant for each other. Making his fairy tale comment even more manly, Chris says he knows Des is falling in love, but she doesn't have to say it. She can "say it through her kisses". Looks like Chris learned a lot from his marathon watching of A Walk to Remember. He's a huge Mandy fan.
Time for the group date. The men meet Des at the highest peak in Germany wearing Bachelorette issued parkas. 
James is feeling like a commoner again after the magic of his 1-on-1 date. 
Atop the mountain is a real live yodeler. Each of the guys tries to yodel with him, and it is only cute when Juan Pablo does it. 
Once they finish their episode mandated singing, they come upon a row of sleds. The group sleds down the mountain. Zak compares love to sledding down a hill. He is coming up with ideas for his next original song to please the masses, "Love is Like Sledding Down the Tallest Peak in Munich, Germany While a Camera Crew Is Filming You."
The sexy, boozey part of the group date takes place in an igloo lounge covered in fur throws. The rose sits upon a pile of ice. 
Brooks pulls Des aside and eats her face. They can barely hug with all the down feathers between them. 
Mike-Y, per usual, talks intensely about the rose with the guys. He then gets some one on one time. Des acts like his idea to make mini snowmen in replicas of their future Buttafucco family of 5 is the greatest idea of all time. The two are talking about Mike-Y's family in Chicago when Zak, scheming behind them, yodels Des over to his snow bank o' wine. I hate Zak, but wine beats a snowfamily any day. 
Next up, James and Des are having some time together. Brooks can't take it anymore. He wants Des to know the house has picked another villain, and James is vulgar with the guys and not the sweet guy he seems to be with her. Brooks stands like a creeper watching them kiss, but then wimps out and can't interrupt them. He doesn't have Michael's gladiator spirit.  
Despite his sweet kisses, James is denied the rose, and it goes to Brooks.
Two-on-one date time. Let the television gold begin! 
The guys ride in the limo in silence. Michael's voice over says he will use his attorney tactics to reveal Ben as "a fraud and impersonation of a Southern gentleman". I am not lying. This was really said!
It's a battle of egos from the start. Michael one ups Ben by learning "you look beautiful" in German. And then Ben one ups him by bragging that Texas is flat. The guys talk past Desiree in sarcastic jabs about confrontation.
They arrive at a dock, and Des tells them that they will do a polar plunge, because she wimped out last season. But, hardy-har-har, that Des is such a jokester! At the last minute a floating hot tub dubbed "The Hot Tug" pulls up. They are going to cruise around the lake ina  hot tub. Ratings gold. 
In the Hot Tug, Des brings up her favorite date topic - past relationships. For the record, in the real world, this woman would never have a date talking about fairy tales and ex-boyfriends.
The men share politically correct cliches to answer Des' questions about love and if opposites attract. I am really surprised no one quoted Paula Abdul. 
Ben talks about his son and Michael tries to call him an absentee dad. And uses this time to talk about how his dad abandoned him as a child. Hey, Michael, rough childhood is Drew's angle! 
While Mike-Y is manhandled by James, Brooks, Chris, Drew and #Kasey hide out in a room talking about guys who are not there for the right reasons. 
The new target is James. #Kasey and  Drew were hiding in a van playing magic cards, when they over heard James tell Mike-Y "when this is all over they will run Chicago" and take "tall, good-looking chicks, with a lot of money" on Mike-Y's boat in an "intimate setting". Pretty sure that direct quote was cleaned up by Drew.  
On the date, the trip is enjoying dinner. Michael tries to make conversation about how Ben doesn't have friends in the house. Des isn't interested in this topic, so to change the subject, she asks "what are some new traditions you want to start with your family". What?!
Michael nit picks at Ben about fatherhood and attending church on major religious holidays. Ben excuses himself to literally blow off some steam. 
Michael has over-prosecuted the situation, and Des is not impressed. But, because she is someone who thinks that ex-boyfriends is an interesting dinner topic, Des somehow finds Michael's nasally whining endearing, and  Michael gets the date rose. Ben storms out. Des tries to follow to calm him down. 
Ben is super creepy and seems a little bit on drugs as he says, "Hi, Hollywood" to the camera and tells the camera that they are missing out on the single dad from Texas. Then he asks where they are getting drunk tonight. Ben is redeeming himself. 
 It is time for the rose ceremony. Des and Chris have some irritating small talk about who is the best kisser.
Brooks, #Kasey, and Drew are on a mission to tell Des that James is... dum dum duuuuuum... "not here for the right reasons. 
But much to their dismay, Des does not want to have a cocktail party, because her mind is made up. 
#Kasey is nervous because "James is here for the wrong reasons, and it will be really disheartening if somebody with the right intentions gets sent home." #Kasey I'm impressed that you have found a synonym for "reasons"!
Final rose comes down to Mike-Y and James. Looks like Chicago ain't bringing it. 
James gets the rose. It's a party for one on Mike-Y's boat
Mike-Y barely says goodbye before racing the limo. Wearing his plaid on plaid, he says goodbye as ungraciously as a meathead can. 

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