Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Bachelorette Recap: Meet Me In The Fantasy Suite

The Bachelorette totally snuck up on me, but with or without my awareness, Des and her tiny teeth are here to find love! I usually like to peruse the website and make snap judgement about the contestants based on their cheesy application answers. Sadly, this time I can't pre-judge and it will be his terrible decision making about how to get a girl to notice him that forms my opinions about each bachelor.
Des pulls up to her Malibu digs in a '92 Honda to show just how down home and regular gal she is - the scene was complete with exaggerated car clanking. 

Within 3 minutes, Des is already in tears talking about how she wants to find the kind love she sees in her poor parents who raised their family in a teepee. Yep, living in a rented mansion and going on fantasy dates around the world while being followed by a camera crew is the perfect way to find a genuine guy to fall in love with you. 
Chris comes and meets Des at her rental, and they talk more about finding love and what a wonderful opportunity this is, because it launched an US Weekly cover found love for so many people in the past. And for the first time in bachelor history, Chris Harrison hands Des the keys to a teal convertible Bentley that "purrs like a kitten". Des promptly takes it on a product placement cruise along PCH. First stop, the Santa Monica Pier and then Venice Beach where she roller skates in pink high socks and a bikini. Don't believe me? Evidence: 
Stopping only to try on a neon pink cowboy hats worn by women who buy (and find no irony in) air brush bikini t-shirts.

After working up a sweat skating, Des sits down to sketch palm trees like a pre-teen bored in science class

After her adventures at the beach, Chris and Des sit down to have the same conversation everyone has with Chris Harrison about meeting 25 "incredible" men. Des and her tiny teeth talk about cuddling and snuggling and making the first move. We get the first of what I imagine will be many comparisons to Cinderella. It's going to be a long season. 
Des slips on a silver pageant number while her voice over cries about hope, and of course, fairy tales. The Bachelorette has begun.
The male montages begin. First up, Bryden (who also seems to have tiny teeth) talks about how he fell in love, got dumped, so he enlisted in the army. That sends a message. In his video, Bryden makes a statement about gun control by walking around in fatigues carrying and AK-98465.
Next, Will who screams "WELCOME TO CHICAGO" and declares that he "loves life" and bikram yoga. In his clips, he is walking around Chicago giving people high fives like the 30 Rock guy hugging in that Dave Matthews video. He tops it off by screaming "I LOVE THIS WOMAN" at the end of his montage. I think he was hoping the Bachelorette would be Ashley the screamer runner-up from Sean's season. 
Then we meet Drew. Drew jogs shirtless and tells a heartbreaking story about his parents' divorce, dad's alcoholism, and his sister's mental disability. Way to lay it on thick Drew. Memories of a kinder time in Drew's life:
Another Chicago guy is up next, Nick. He sports slicked back hair and is a dead ringer for the short guy Samantha dated on Sex & The City. Nick is a suit maker by day and professional magician by night. According to Nick R., "people are drawn to magic" and this "gives him an edge". You're right, Nick, all my girlfriends and I sit around talking about how everything would be right in the world if we could just find a good magician. 
Zak (with no c) jumps off a rock wearing aqua socks, and then has a clip daydreaming out into the Texas Hill Country in the buff. So the guy wears unnecessary garments to jump in the water, but drinks his coffee on his deck naked? Be afraid, Des.  
 Robert lives in LA and says that he invented sign spinning. 

Wow, Robert, I am so proud to hear that you were the guy who came up with the most degrading job a human could do. Congratulations! Robert does have a boxer - a one-eyed boxer at that! - so I am letting him stick around. 
Mike from Dallas is a dental student. He has one squinty eye that is very distracting. Mike says he's lived "a lot of lives in 27 years". Does that explain why your shirts are 4  sizes too small Mike? You're wearing a shirt from another life? 
Brandon, the self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie from Costa Mesa, has a sob story to rival Drew's. Only in his rough upbringing it was his mom with the addiction and he had great grandparents to raise him. So Drew with his retarded sister has the edge. In his pre-show montage, Brandon is already talking about how deep his love runs for Des. He's definitely going to be the guy that calls his roommates out for "not being here for the right reasons".

The first limo arrives. Tiny Teeth can't stop smiling. 
First out is Drew. Then Brooks who looks like Blake Shelton's wimpy brother. Brad is the next out and brought a wishbone so the two of them can make a wish. Bryden, the guy who joined the army over a broken heart, is out next. Then Michael G., who is definitely gay, decides to find Desiree's penny in the fountain from when she was a Bachelor contestant. He awkwardly can't find it, so they make a new wish together. Michael G. cant wait to meet the boys Desiree inside. 
Kasey from San Luis Obsipo works in social media, so naturally he created the world's most annoying trend - hashtags - for Desiree. They were super clever like: #letthejourneybegin. Kasey is a dead ringer for Michael Scott. He is going to be the comic foddor on the show without even knowing it. 
Will comes out with surprise, surprise, a high five!
Mikey T. and his muscles barrel out of the lime. Something tells me he's heard "Hey, Mike-y!" a time or 2 in his jabroni life. 
Smooth Moves Jonathon comes out with fantasy suite room key. Des is not impressed, because she "is not that kind of girl". Yeah right, Des. We'll be the judge of that come week 6 in Aruba. 
Zak (with no c) comes out without his shirt and asks "Will you accept these abs?" GAG! (Did you all see the Mindy Project episode where she tells her boyfriend that girls don't care about abs? It's true) Pretty sure he's wearing his aqua socks under is square toe dress shoes. 
James has the worst hair in the entire world and a totally rehearsed intense speech about loyalty. James gives me the creeps. Larry, the ER doctor from Berkeley comes out and teaches Des a dance that fails miserably and nearly rips her dress. He's pissed.
Nick the magician is up next. He lights a napkin rose on fire and turns it into a real rose. Yep, that's an edge, Nick, an edge. 
Zack (with a C) struts out of the limo in a tux and chuck taylor's. Zack is soooooooooooooo zany. But not as zany as Diogo who dressed up in a suit of armor and can barely speak English. This is way worse than the wedding dress girl. The guys freak when Diogo walks into the house. And Super Smart and Smooth Jonathon is so genius, he calls this a "Shining knight in armor" and equates it to a guy who waxes his eyebrows... sure Jonathon.
The second limo pulls up with the final 10 guys.
Chris from Seattle comes out. Seems fairly normal until he gets down on one knee and asks if he can tie his shoe. So very lame.
The guys get worse as Mike the dental student comes out in his lab coat to pretend to be McDreamy, a doctor from Grey's Anatomy. Sorry Mike, not only are you not a doctor, but a dentist, but Grey's Anatomy was relevant with only women about 6 years ago. 
Robert asks to get comfortable and take his tie off. Des, the girl who said she wouldn't go to a fantasy suite on her first date, seems genuinely shocked and disappointed that he was not taking off any additional items of clothing. interesting.... 
Juan Pablo from Venezuela comes out and spends 10 minutes trying to get Des to say his name properly. It's embarrassing.  
Then Brandon the giant sap adrenaline junkie with a bad past, but not as bad as Drew's, from Costa Mesa shows up on a white motorcycle - is this the modern day equivalent to a white horse? Brandon wears his biking gloves into the mansion. I am sure the ride from the front of the mansion gates necessitated driving gloves. 
Brian dressed down in True Religion jeans and a sport coat because tools wear True Religion jeans he wears suits all week back home. Brian will be a no story line character who lasts longer than expected by flying under the radar. 
Speaking of odd wear, the next guy, Micah, gets out in a piece-meal suit with "Designed By This Guy" written on the back. I guess this is some nod to how Des designed the dress she wore on the Bachelor. I watched every episode and wrote about it. And I am a woman! I had no idea about this. How do these guys know this stuff?
Nick M is the poem guy of the season. It's horrendous and could have been written by Jonathon and his shining knight of armor.
Next up, Dan from Vegas who looks like a guy that was a huge dork in high school, but lost 40 lbs in college and became handsome. AKA probably 90% of Bachelorette contestants, and definitely Sean Lowe. 
And to round out the 25, and in the biggest exploitation of a child in Bachelor history, out of the limo comes a little boy dressed in a suit followed by his dad Ben. Ben is actually cute, but from the scenes from the season, he is the one "not in the house to make friends". dum dum duuuuuuuuuum
Time to party. Chris tell Des she can give out the roses whenever she wants. #Kasey sees the plate and "hashtag iwantarose". #kaseyyourareeverythingthatiswrongwiththeworld
The Incredible Magician Nick has a trick up his sleeve to get some one on one time with Des. Now we can see how being a magician gives him an edge with the ladies. He swoops in and takes Des away, and as they talk, she could not be less interested in him. 

Brandon who's life is bad, but not as bad as Drew's, is pissed that he was scooped by a magician, and breaks in on their one on one time. Des looks relieved. Brandon dramatically tells a story about flipping a coin to decide to come meet her, and he knows this is real and that he just met his future wife. More poetic waxing from the first-to-fall-in-love guy. 
Ben kicks Brandon out to talk about fatherhood and camping. Desiree is totally smitten. They bond over stuff like... loving road trips. Since Des wants to road trip through life with Ben, he gets a rose. 

The guys flip out, and the shirtless guy flexes his pecs as she walks by. I wonder if Zak (no c) thought about his confessional shots when he decided not to wear a shirt for the duration of the first night:  
 Zak, wearing no shirt, says he is "super serious about this". What's that #Kasey? Oh yea, I agree, #oxymoran. Zak decides that since he is so serious, he is going to take off his only remaining article of clothing, his pants and jump in the pool. Desiree walks away holding hands with #Kasey. I am thrilled at the scene until Des decides to give Zak a rose for jumping in the pool. Don't encourage this kind of behavior! 
Bryden, the vet, talks about how he hangs out with his dog and made a lasting impression on a young Iraqi boy. Total natural progression in a conversation. Des is obligated because the premiere aired on Memorial Day impressed and gives him a rose. 
Juan Pablo, the hot ex-pro soccer player from Venezuela, tries to get Deisree to play soccer in an evening gown. Juan P, she couldn't even do a spin move with the ER doctor. She is not going to kick the ball around with you. The game quickly turns into a battle among all the boutonniere-less guys for a rose Desiree's heart.
Since his intro with the card for the fantasy suite went so well, Jonathon goes and creates a fantasy suite in the house where he does one-legged push-ups to get his muscles all muscle-y. 
This is his ploy to "kiss Desiree on the mouth". Jonathon says he's nothing like her last "boyfriend" Sean. He tells her she needs to be crazier and go in the fantasy suite with him. She can't get away fast enough, so Jonathon retreats to the suite by himself to reflect on his "love tank" and how large it is (I couldn't make this stuff up).
Jonathon isn't happy with how it went and wants to show his "other side". I want to see his other side! He leads her to his "fantasy suite", and she refuses to go. #Kasey narrates with direct quote "Hashtag fantasysuitefail!". Desiree kicks Jonathon out of the party and her life, because he was "not there for the right reasons". First one of the season! We know there will be many, many more. 
Time for the first rose ceremony. Des was handing out roses willy nilly during the party, so there are only 13 B-team roses left.  Suspense is high among the men. The final rose comes down to the ER doctor, the dentist who thinks he's a doctor, the guy who made his suit, the magician, some  guy and the armor guy. 

Some guy turned out to be "Hey Mike-ey!", and the jabroni gets the final rose. 
Diogo (armor suit guy) is "so lost" he "doesn't know what to do" and "gave her everything". Dude, you've known the girl 2 hours. I'm pretty sure these are the only lines he learned in English while watching past seasons of The Bachelor to prep for the show.
With all these clowns and those tiny teeth, it is going to be ab awesome season. 

1 comment:

  1. hooray! so glad you are doing this again. this is amazing.