Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Bachelor Recap: The Final Rose

ABC has pulled out all the stops for The Most Dramatic Finale In Bachelor History by finding a room full of desperate, single women Super FansChris Harrison sports a men's fashion mirage - the Regis Philbin patterned skinny tie. I didn't know this existed in nature. Chris explains the enormity of Sean's coming decision, and the crowd goes wild. 
Sean is still in Thailand, but has moved hotels - either that or ABC just wanted a shot of him in a 6-year old boy's lace-less Converse knockoffs and his heather blue v-neck, because he looks so manly in this get-up. 
Sean has his family come to this villa, including his rather small niece and nephew. I am really glad I was not responsible for traveling 24 hours with 2 children under 5 to Thailand. Now that is something to pray about, Pastor Jay. 
Catherine is first up for "Meet the Parents". Sean's mom, Sherry, is the voice of reason saying that if Sean is going to propose to someone, he should probably not still be deciding between 2 women less than a week out. 
At lunch, they all sit on the same side of the table to make things even more unnatural to get the best shots of every one's discomfort. Sean's dad, Pastor Jay, asks the question you always ask a 26 year old woman, "So, Catherine did you play any sports in high school?". They must have been really hard up for conversation, because trees falling on small children and suicidal dads exiled to China are not really first family date topics.
Sherry pulls Catherine aside, and Catherine explains how her love with Sean has grown over 6 dates. We discover that Catherine is in the 4th grade and sent silly notes to Sean throughout the show. Catherine knew he liked her when Sean checked "yes" to go steady, and then sent Chris Harrison to deliver the note to Catherine at her locker between 4th and 5th period. 
We then get to really meet Jay, Sean's dad. And boy, what a guy. He is the walking definition of non-denominational Christian pastor. I can just picture the acoustic guitars and hip Christian rock that accompany his sermons. Jay is just a TV contract away from being Joel Osteen - and now we are getting insight into why Sean may be on this show. Jay grills Catherine about The Bachelor "process" and how she can be in love after 6 weeks. I'm liking his realism until he brings Catherine to tears telling her he'd love her like his own daughter. He's known the girl for 20 minutes. Jay then drops the word "cool" in the dorkiest parent-way ever, because that is what the kids are saying these days and you have to relate to your congregation.
No, that is not a teenager in True Religion jeans from TJ MAxx, it's Jay
20 minutes into the show, Catherine says goodbye to the family. I have no idea how this is going to be a 3 hour episode - must be lots of falling in love montages. Hello, fast forward!
Next up is Lindsey. She is dorky as usual and hyperventilates talking about how she could be meeting her future family. I think Sherry would be hyperventilating if she knew her son was copping a feel as her brought Lindsey in to meet her.
Pastor Jay gives Lindsey the same lines verbatim he gave Catherine. And like an adult, Lindsey says she knows Sean is the one, because she "wants to hang out with him for her whole life". Pastor Jay bring Lindsey to tears when he says she may be the one they've been praying for. Her tears stop when Jay manages to drop "cool" again with no more coolness than before.
Sean and Lindsey passionately smash faces together as they say goodbye.  
After Lindsey leaves, Sherry cries that her son is going marry some chick from tv. Sean takes her on a romantic walk around the grounds to ease her fears. That hand that gently rests on his mom's back only an hour ago was doing the devil's work on Lindsey's behind. 
We return from commercial and it is date time. (This is how they will fill the remaining 2 hours and 20 minutes. More adventure dates). Lindsey is first for the date portion of the episode. As they walk through the gardens, Sean & Lindsey look like a couple out of Fast Times At Ridgemont High with Lindsey in her tied crop top and cut offs and Sean in a neon blue tank top. I'm embarrassed for the way Americans are represented abroad. 
Sean takes Lindsey on a Swiss Family Robinson raft ride. As they cruise down the river, he gives Lindsey a geography lesson and explains how the locals say "Laos". You can feel their love from the shoreline - or if you are the creeper sitting 12 inches away from them staring.
Lindsey and Sean then retreat back to her hotel room. She sets their coffee table with appetizers, because ABC wasted all their money on the live studio audience, and didn't have the budget left for dinner or a suite with a real table. 
For their big night date, Sean wears his pink v-neck, because that is what the chicks like. They talk about the only thing they ever talk about - their first kiss again as if it wasn't 2 weeks ago and they talk again about how Lindsey was so crazy(!!) when they first met. Lindsey then eats his face, because she was expecting dinner, but all ABC gave her was some cheese squares. 
After giggling for 2 minutes, Lindsey says she has a surprise for Sean. They walk outside and set Thai lanterns aflame, and send their wishes for the future together into dolphin habitats the sky.
The next day, it is Catherine's turn. Catherine and Sean are 2 members of the Purple People Eaters AYSO soccer team. Sean obvs is in a v-neck. Side Note: where does a man find a purple v-neck? Sean surprises Catherine and takes her on an elephant ride, because this, my friends, is how you fall in love in 2013. 
While riding the elephant, Catherine feels "unstable but in control at the same time since (she) knows Sean is there". As I gag, Catherine declares this the best date of her life. Her next boyfriend doesn't stand a chance to impress her. They cuddle on a futon in the elephant habitat while talking, and I keep waiting for Catherine to drop another sob story bomb - possibly, her Korean grandfather was crushed to death by an elephant stampede, so this date is so meaningful to her. 
As the sun sets, we are treated to an identical scene as Lindsey with Catherine setting the coffee table for their date. Catherine lights candles to set the mood. 
Sean knocks on the door wearing his black v-neck. Catherine babbles on about feeling comfortable, family, and holding back. It's all very eloquent  and I have no idea where she is going except that she said in her interview she wanted to tell Sean how she feels. Sean is having trouble following too, so he sits awkwardly and stares at her.
As Sean leaves, they kiss at the door cue the dramatic heartbeat sound bite. Catherine knows she is down to the final hour, and it is time to pull out all the stops. So, as a last ditch effort. she says "I love you", and strokes Sean's v-neck. Finally the V paid off! Catherine freaks out and says she "doesn't see love back in his eyes". As Sean leaves the hotel room, Catherine chases after him crying, they hug in a dramatic fashion, but it isn't enough to squash Catherine's fears. She runs to her room, slams the door, and thrusts herself on her bed to cry herself to sleep, regretting the note her bestie delivered to Sean in Mrs. Porter's class.  
The show then flips to Chris Harrison talking to the live studio audience. Luckily there isn't a man in America who watches this show, because those commentators would never get a date - especially this girl who talked about what "family man" Sean is. 
The show comes back from commercial to the first shirtless Sean shot of the episode. He's in his towel applying moisturizer getting ready to propose. Is this supposed to be sexy?
While I am pondering if men really wear moisturizer, Sean reflects on his relationships in his prized purple v-neck. 
Then it is the time all the materialistic girls have been waiting for - ring shopping. Sean meets with the jewelry industry's biggest sellout since Tom Shane, Neil Lane, and gives him a bro hug. 
Neil shows his new friend Sean engagement rings. As if to drive a dagger into AshLee's heart, the last ring Neil talks about is "a cushion cut with pave diamonds..." just the one Ashy requested before getting the boot. But a guy who wears a two-tone henley doesn't care about some adopted chick he sent home last week. 
And then, it's like ABC is toying with our emotions, we get a second shirtless shot while Sean picks out his suit! Abs! swoooon....
Flip to the girls getting dressed. I'm horrified to see Lindsey is wearing a silver disco prom dress while weeping about her love and this day changing her life forever. Catherine then pulls out the same disco prom dress only in gold! They must have been comped dresses by the winner of Project Runway Thailand. There is no excuse for 2 girls to wear matching dresses that are this ugly and unflattering.
To fill time in the 3-hour finale, we head back to the live studio audience where Chris Harrison talks to the cast-offs about who they think will win. When talking to Sara with one arm about how both girls laugh with Sean, he not so casually turns to AshLee who was booted for being the most dramatic contestant (In Bachelor History) and has never laughed a day in her life, because she was raised in foster care life.
Finally, the moment we have been waiting for... The Engagement! Sean stands at the end of a pond on a platform with dead trees.  
The first car pulls up. The first car usually signifies the loser, but sometimes ABC plays tricks on us (Actually, I think they only did that once, and it was a major fail, because the Bachelor had to leave his newly engaged future ex-girlfriend to break up with someone else.)
I wait with bated breath to see who gets out first, and then we see a drape of silver gown and a giant tacky foot tattoo, and I know, it's Lindsey! 

I find everything about Lindsey to be completely irritating, so I am rooting for her to get the boot. tee-hee tee-hee. Can't kiss your way out of this dumping, Linds. Walking up, Lindsey has no doubt that she is the one getting engaged today. However, we all know her order getting out of the cars, isn't helping her cause. 
Sean lays the compliments on thick, but his long sigh lets us know there is a "but"...wait for it... and there is! Lindsey is sent packing. She looks shocked and for once isn't giggling. 
Seans tells her he said prayers for "clarity", and those prayers didn't bring him to Lindsey. She doesn't say a word. Sean cries and says he loves her, but his heart is somewhere else. I am sure that Catherine would appreciate him telling another girl he loves her the day they get engaged. But the real reason Lindsey got dumped is written all over her chest - she stopped wearing push-up bras! Is it me or is Sean dumping a pre-pubescent girl in this picture? Where did her boobs go?
Sean walks fourteen steps behind Lindsey to the car. Guess it was a long walk, because Lindsey rips off her heels as Chris Harrison escorts her to the SUV ride of tears. Lindsey whimpers in the car, saying all the lines she hopes Bachelor producers will fall for, so she is the next Bachelorette. 
Chris arrives and hands Sean a letter from Catherine. Dun dun duuuuuunnnn. Previews have built this up to make us think Sean is going to be left at the altar platform on a pond. 
Cut to the wet eyed live audience. They are enraged that we have to wait to hear what Catherine has written to Sean. But like all things in the Bachelor, this letter was only built up by the previews. This was Catherine's most special note to Sean since the 8th grade dance. 
In her note, Catherine professes her love and hopes for the future. Sean and Chris are so relieved. 
Down the walk comes Miss America Catherine. 
Sean tells Catherine she is the one and anti-climatically asks her to marry him. Since she has low self esteem, Catherine can't believe she is The One, and makes this face several times in surprise. 
Sean gets down on one knee and gives her the ring ABC bought for him that was designed for AshLee's dreams. 
After the proposal, they ride off into the sunset on the Sean+Catherine mode of transit, an elephant. It's a good final shot... 
But not as good as another couple who rode off into the sunset - Ronald Miller+Cindy Mancini on the lawnmower.
And there you have it folks, another season of The Bachelor ends in love (for now). Sean and Catherine have already announced that they will be continuing to cash in on The Bachelor franchise by getting married (for free) on live TV and Sean will be participating on Dancing With The Stars. This is leading me to believe that when Sean's occupation was listed as "entrepeneur", it was not in regards to business, but instead being a professional fame whore. 
It was also announced that Des and her tiny teeth will be the next Bachelorette. God help us. 

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