Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Gentlemen, the final rose tonight

The big night has come and gone. What was just pictures, are now walking, talking, horrific characters. The Bachelorette has begun.
The show opens with Chris Harrison talking to Emily in her evening gown version of a figure skating costume. Do you think the producers purposefully had her meet all the guys with her back turned to show off the control top panty-ho netting up her back? And did anyone notice that Emily's forehead was as frozen as the arctic tundra? She proclaimed about 12 times that she is 26, I don't think a 26 year old needs to botox their forehead into submission.
The limos arrive, and the games begin...
First out is Sean, the insurance agent from Dallas. He walks in with an embarrassing swagger and undresses Emily with his eyes as he walks away. Sean's sultry eyes get to stay until next week.
Then we meet David, the singer/songwriter from NYC, who I thought would make us wait to hear his vocal stylings, but oh no.. David showed his cards early with his lyrically deep "Emi-ly, Em-i-ly, Emily.." in the bio bit at the beginning.
Doug, the single father who has an 11 year old got the first impression rose, because of his letter from his 11 year old son. I'm not trying to be mean to a defenseless little kid, but did anyone else think that letter could have been written by a 6 year old? Maybe the Seattle school system needs a little help. Doug's first impression rose made him safe through next week.
Jackson, the fitness model far exceeded my expectations for the embarrassing factor by coming in, dropping to one knee, and professing to Emily that: "life is not about the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away". That may work for an 18-year old's senior quote, but not for a grown woman. So terrible. Luckily, Emily has some sense, and Jackson was sent packing
Joe/Dawson Leary came in how exclaiming "I'M SO EXCITED!" Let's hope this enthusiasm was just first night jitters.
We then meet Arie, who is much more handsome in person. He seems nice, and dare I say... normal. I predict Arie making it pretty far in this competition.
Kyle comes out of the limo, and is "in awe" of Emily's beauty. Standard introduction, but I will take this over some of the other male hi jinx.
Then we see Little Foot in the flesh, who went to his dad for advice on the show. His dad told him that he would find his true love in the land of the tree stars. During their "getting to know you time" Little Foot gave Emily a a bobble heads of themselves. His bobblehead's eyes were not nearly close enough together.
We then meet Aaron, the biology teacher who came out with a sexy teacher impression wearing glasses only to rip them off to make a bad pun about chemistry. Aaron stayed.
Alessandro who was listed as from Brazil got a lot less exotic when we disclosed he has lived in Minnesota now - and when he barrelled out of the car like a linebacker. He is way chubbier than his picture led on.
Jef was the last out of this limo. He was dragged on the back riding a skateboard. Nice, Jef. Emily declared him "cool". I declare him the real life version of Johnny Newtron. 

Lerone starts next round, and talks about how he is attracted to single moms. This wasn't enough to get him a rose to the next round.
Stevie, the "Party MC" is by far the worst character on the show. He steps out of the limo with his own boom box and does a terrible dance. He is wearing a bright green shirt, and all I can think about while he is dancing is who stole my lucky charms.

Stevie O'Shea already has a vendetta against Mr. Luxury Kalon for his extravagant entrance. He over dramatizes an interaction that Mr. Luxury has with Arie when Arie wants to "steal" Emily away. Stevie O'Shea is the worst, and I can't wait for him to get cut.
Stevie O'Shea being a jerk
Randy leads the next limo dressed as an old granny who rips off his wig and house dress to reveal... A VEST! Randy apparently doesn't go anywhere without a vest. Too bad Emily does.. Randy is out.

Nate from Laguna seems remarkably normal compared to Randy's get-up. Emily calls him "so cute" and says he smells good. Nate is in to the next round.
Brett is as nerdy as I expected and came complete with his own name tag, too bad remembering his name isn't enough to get saved. See ya, Brett. And what was all that talk about 6 kids?
Tony, Toni, Tone. This guy is so painful! He showed up with a plastic ballet flat on a pillow talking some jibberish about Prince Charming. Did anyone else think that a young Steve Carrell was punking us? That crap was way too much to be real. And when are guys going to learn that not every woman wants to be a princess.

John AKA "Wolf" was on the prowl, and checked out Emily's rack during their entire conversation.
Travis was a sweaty, bumbling mess and to top it off, he brought an ostrich egg (?!) that he will protect like he would protect Emily and Ricki. Who tells these guys this is a good idea? Sadly, Emily pittied him and kept Sweaty Egg to next week.
Get a sweat rag, Travis.
Limo #3 pulls up, and first out Music Mike from Austin. His locks were so shiny. I am sure Emily kept him around to find out what shampoo he is using.
We then meet Charlie from Nashville who was in a terrible accident and suffered a brain injury. He seems like a very sweet guy, and will probably hang around for a few more weeks, but I don't see him being anywhere near a top contender.
Jean-Paul looks way older and stiffer than his picture. He wore a terrible plaid shirt and plaid tie combo. Emily must have taste in mens fashion, because she dumped him.
Emily got to practice her Spanish with Colombian mushroom farmer, Alejandro. I hope we never have to hear her talk Spanish again.
Ryan was handsome and seemed pretty normal - I am letting his stupid sign thing and his sports agent suit slide.
Last out was Kalon, the luxury brand consultant, who arrived in a helicopter. This stuff just keeps getting better. He kept patting himself on the back for his grand entrance. All the guys hate him already - and so do I.

In the end, Emily has 20 guys, most of them total dorks. I think there are 3 guys in there that I would actually talk to at a bar - one being Dawson Leary, because I want to see how long he can keep that excitement up. I really wish Sweaty Egg had gotten booted, so he could have had a rant about his eggs rotting. I don't know how long I can stand having to watch Stevie O'Shea on this show. He is beyond painful.
Did anyone watch until the bitter end (after the 3 minutes scenes from the season montage) of the ousted "Fitness Model" showing his muscles? I have never seen someone so in love with himself. And if there is a girl out there (not on Jersey Shore) who is really into big muscles like that, I'd like to meet her.


  1. you are clearly an idiot the show is rigged and if people are told how to act on the show because the producers tell them to do it who are you to judge them you dont even know them and you are making judgements off of an edited version of the show do you even realize how fake reaity tv actually is? APPARENTLY NOT! good for you to have no life and blog about your stupid opinion If any of the guys see this i feel bad for them they have to look at your comments that arent even true. Sorry but please have some consideration the next time you want to write mean stuff

    1. Nice run on sentences, Anonymous commenter. Loser.